Saw pain in a new way.

Ceiling in my room is like a sky with a thousand stars if I put on Across The Universe.Inhale.Exhale. Sometimes solitude hollowed me in such height , leaving me bare with such hideous sorrow. My mind was a shinking ship saccred me with indignity of emotion. My expressions have been a bulletproof all this while. But I'm so fragile like a translucent paper.
You should be greatful to have a healthy mom who you can see her face everyday,and ask about you and stuff like that. I just miss that , like hell I've been missing that

The sun was high so was I

Life is indeed like a bottomless refills of Coke in Mcdonalds.Or something infinity like the existence of days and night and the creation of time that never stops or even more precise is like how much human blinks their eyes in their life.
I am in the floating state of mind.Life without parents for a couple of days is a catastrophe,I left my prayers and I sleep all day like theres no tomorrow and woke up feeling hungry like a zombie. Still having no one to tell you this and that is pretty awesome but turns out to be very dull and directionless.
And for some reason I got depressed around couples.

So like I really can't understand my sleep patterns these days and I'm becoming more lifeless than ever.My family are not around in the house so there's really no one in the house except me.And I'm  so lonely like, literally.
And I  pictured death of my beloved one, in dreams , in everywhere.It's like inhaling flames.

I hate that the fact most of my friends start dating and they leave me.Food you are my only companion...

I am a quitter.All I see is some kind of dead ends and fullstops. Maybe I think there is no amusement in anything.All the interest just falls like the hair of a cancer people going through a chemotherapy.
Chemotherapy has it's own funny way of existing too, it's like love literally. It hurt , hurt , hurt to the very core of pain.And it's stupid how I can't feel the pain and how I can't help anything and let my ear hear all those cries.
And the dreams , how I always thought sleeping and dreaming is the greatest things in this life that God had inhabit us.But I hope I can't sleep at all if I had to have those dreams.Those fucked up emotional dreams.

Experiencing one of live music is the bestest experience.It's worth it , go out and enjoy the blasting music in your head and the neverending blood rushes.All the tiredness on your face must wear off sometimes with a blissful event.I never fammiliar with this strange odd alien feelings inside of me , that raging wildly.I wonder why I always have the feeling of bursting into some kind of particles or atoms,and  break free with the dust.
I was actually seeing One Night Only with my own eye after all this while I streamed them on youtube.I could just ran towards George Craig and hug his marble chest since I was just 100m from him but noo...that would be beyond possible.
Even the crowd was kind of crap and I'm enjoying myself like an idiot ,I could feel some guy giving me a wtf shot .but it was a good start perhaps.
And shit I should take some pictures but I certainly forgot since well I've been jumping and singing like a mad cow.*sigh

Unattainable.Maybe you are just an illustration that wandering in some 16 years old boy.Fuck you.I swear I'll never fall in love again.

My ear is almost plugged with distortion music and adrenaline tunes every second in my life now.Violencing every fragile feelings that kept me weak.Using destructive language just to loosen the grips in my head. The question is , until when do I have to suppressed this impulsive unecessary rebellious feelings? I declined every urges to keep me think about my future, my whole life in the futuristics. Getting absolutely in stabilized condition eventhough I failed to handle my studies.Not even bother to feed the understandings of the hard knowledge in my head. Only desires and peer pressure that lose the fuck out of me. I cannot wait for the good fate from the sky to cling over to me out of nowhere, do I?

I have nothing to say hahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha , fake laugh seems to confide me to move on

I'm a rebel or maybe it's just that I hold on to my principal too much. I just want to be independant to my decision thats all.

Negativity brings me nowhere actually. But really I don't know what to figure out now . People says I need to sketch my future in this kind of age. Really? where all the uncertainty leads? Maybe later *yawn My vocabulary is drying ,It's just make my style of writing dulls.Toodles

Cursing seems to be like a therapy.It heals my furyness and anger management pretty well.Exams was devastating. I have lost count of paper I destructed. If this is how love concreted my mind with agony , I'll choose unloved instead.I never wanted pain leads me after a long hour of sleep , it's just out of my definitions.There was no vacancy to the pain , I never allowed such thing to make me weak. It's uninvited and conjure. Ego is what I'll lead in my perspective of love now , I'll rather be sadistic than being hurt.Well precisely he just killed my old self that believes a love like Twilight-pile-of shits existed

I want to do music , but can't find the right person to collaborate.Starting alone is fine I guess,first thing first I need to fine a tuner and a nice camera with superb audio. It's not like I have money , but I'll try.

I nearly choked to death seeing this blog almost removed.Thank god, no.I have been slaving my creativity just to squezee some idea to write.I really have no idea now because I just got up from sleep and felt like a major crap. And yes, my expression did not tell me what the fuck I'm feeling.I felt worse.What people are you.

Maybe I should create a blog only for me , for my state of mind alone.

I guess cramming my throat for explanations is worthless, when you beholds the ego all in your mind . Maybe the ties between us isnt that strong as I expected when your faith just faded away.
Fitting in with some social cults are not easy as what I pictured , it sucks. I appreciate the people who does notice me smiling my cheek out, but no I can dig your eyeball out and make a soup and give the cats in the street to eat if you look me up and down.
So my play-girl looks totally deceived so many people, I'm still a virgin in love.No history of exs or boyfriends at all. Sad, I know.

"I don't want what you want , I don't feel what you feel"

I swear I'm gonna bitch-slap people who judge me. I don't give a flying fuck this time.

JC.

I hope it's not too late to wish him Happy Birthday , the greatest man was born 33 years back. Lol okay I'm actually obsessed with a guy who is over 30 and have a wife and a kid.But I somehow believe that there is another "Julian Casablancas" that's existed just for me either in heaven or in the reality.

As I wanted to throw myself in this imaginary-literary world , I've been using the same word to accesorized my statement. It's such a disgrace sometimes. It's obvious I didnt really read lately.

My language is sometimes very obscene , it is not something that I do to empower people or anything.Well , sometimes people do that to authorized people's attention on how cool they are to swear and shits.But well, it's pretty hard to explain on why my language is too obscene sometimes. The end.

we all are actors.

I wanted to experience a youthful night. Withsome great people hanging around to fill the time which obviously pouring with such intense.A crowd which are drowning into the music noise , exhilarating sounds fills all night.Energy bursting wildly , screeching it's intensity into the air.Fear and boundaries are just defitionless that time.

But life has boundaries after all..

utopia trauma

Decomposing the innumerable sins in Ramadhan , maybe it will take a thousand years if I'm too ignorance.

My imaginations are wild nowadays, beyond boundaries. I'm afraid of my thoughts sometimes , they are too .. bold.

If I'll fall in love, there will be apocalypse.I'm an extremist towards my emotions. It's hard to get to the surface with a flick of insanity like this.

10 days.

I shouldnt complain , as I admit this stage of life is pretty cozy.But high school is an apocalypse sometimes . Especially when you meet the same old shit and the same circle of friends everyday. You're perceptions will never change , so as you're shallow immature mind.I can't wait to end high school , and meet an idealist type of people not just people who make blunt statements.

But on the bright side, it's actually pretty challenging and uncomfortably exaggeratedly fun.

Loving a band with all your heart is something you only understand when it happens to you.

On the surface, others can see it as a petty obsession, but they’ll just never know the feeling of putting so much faith into a few people on the other side of the world. It’s hard to explain it to them, the listening to song after song on repeat, the waits for new albums, the excitement and surreal sensation when you finally see them live. They don’t seem to understand why the lyrics booklets give you a sense of comfort, or why you paste photos of them all over your bedroom walls. And they can’t understand why one band could matter to you so much. And you think to yourself ’Because they saved my life.’ But you say nothing, they wouldn’t understand.

- Alex Gaskarth

crying lightning.

Hi.

ok bye.

The ground is a magnet , I can't get to my own feet

"The guitar's all very well, John, but you'll never make a living out of it"

-Nowhere Boy , John Lennon's early life adaptation film

This picture reminds me of my dad . He's currently servicing the country for as long as I can remember. I remember when he left the family for nearly 2 years to work in Afrika. It was a hard time for my family .

Viewing the future, he will be the person who will fight whenever catastrophe or chaos flooded in this country. He will be mudded with blood and corpses , with riffles and snapes vomiting the bullet.His very own life is perhaps like a gambling dice at that time. Before I knew, his body was stranded in a bloody ground , gasping the air to live , while huffingly saying the kalimah syahadah.

I could not bear the dreadful views. It kills my soul.

Ahem *cough

Aku bersifat liberal kadang kala dan mungkin terlalu keterlaluan. Mungkin itu tabiat aku untuk menegakkan keadilan daripada perspektif aku sendiri. Orang-orang yang hanyalah taksub dengan pendapat mereka sendiri bagaikan mengagungi refleksi wajah mereka sendiri di cermin. Tetapi tabiat aku yang sering gagap dalam sesuatu perbicaraan menghadkan aku untuk terus bersuara. Keyakinan yang terbantut sering menghalang aku untuk menyuarakan keadilan .Seringkali suara aku yang terpendam jauh di lubuk anak tekak ini sering dilimpahkan di atas kertas ataupun blog entri ini yang ternyata sudah usang.Aku mengaku , kadangkala pendapat aku tidak masuk akal atau mungkin jauh dari segi rasional , mungkin kerana aku tidak suka keseriusan dalam melimpahkan idea.

Aku sendiri pun tidak tahu apa kejadah yang aku nyatakan dalam entri ini .

They act like Romans but they dress like Turks

Distortions of the guitar embark, as the raspy voice of Julian Casablancas just echoed following the flow of the music. The drums roaring with magnificience beat . The bass line is probably arranged with such accuracy.There's a glimpse of vintage sound in their music , somewhere in between of the tune, kind of reminds me of the old The Velvet Underground. There's something about Indie , garage-rock music that makes me rage with wild sensation.

Oh.

2.40 am

Pens scattered on the table, unfinished addmath homework just pulling me to the core of fed-up-ness.The sounds of air conditioner and the clock ticking just filled the loneliest place on the planet that is my room. I've got unstabilized hormone , fury in my head just won't go away. I always thought there's a reason behind all this unfairness . I believe , I do.

Probably I have to start running on my own track , eventhough this very own feet is very sore and tired.I should thrive.Despite that words will never overtake my actions. Virtue is high , high up to reach, i'm down below the gravity.

My parents are finally going to Makkah this October.Praise to Allah.

Lesbian moment.

Jasmine Van Den Boegard/Birdy

The anonymous guy in my dream . A beautiful human , probably he is made of from paintings , illusions.Every atoms , molecules, compound of his skin probably meant to sparkle.His skin makes me cry.His beauty is indescribable.

If you want , we can be passionately in love like John and Yoko , Sid and Nancy or maybe Romeo and Juliet . Just let me sure that I'm losing contact with reality first and I'll be meeting you in the garden of paradise.

-___- okay that's hardcore.

Feel your eyes of malice
Like a bullet through my heart
So unkind
Words,
Like gasoline,
Burn a hole into heaven
Then rain down on me
Everything falls apart

-Officially loving the song.

That strange , odd years , where I filled my time directionless , dreaming and drifting.

When I'm on the edge of consciousness , the bubble in my head shattered.

When all those moments become the food of thoughts , it makes me crawl.

Your weird attractiveness is just an accessories

You leave you're very own presence that lingers around my life and the real you just dissapears like a wind. It gave me a slight ache since I never share dreams with anyone.Now I'm surrounded by reality.

Even in a crowded place , hollowed out with the same silicon smile , I clutched with my other-self eventhough they are not in contact. Gripping with the music to stand up again if I fall.

Life's puzzling , like addmath . Even the right is wrong.I never will please their understanding.Communications seem not to be a good idea with their plastic self-righteous.Admitted to be one of the pious people , look at you're reflection , does it show?

Egoness are in your blood vines.

Fearless are definitionless , I don't know how to soar when there's a wall around me.

Promises.Everything I did have reasons.If you are spitting you're blame on me , you're just swimming with you're own insecurities. Faith seems not to be the subject in yourself anymore which I thought it lives with you. Face the problems , I'm insignificant for everything.

Let's change our roads , and twist the mole around.

It's like ancient love that won't outgrow. They say they knew love , the laughter feels like it echoes to me.The present of the person just itch so slight , I have nobody . While I swam in the sea of catastrophe , there's just homonculus that lead my path .

I'll cross the drowny ocean myself .

The stars , the moon , they have all been blown out.

I needed someone who can actually talk with my mind , my perception. That can understand my lyrical eyes expression. That speaks with my entire emotion. Typical teenage boys are actless.

Waiting for love seems like waiting a bunch of money from the sky. Hopeless fantasy.

Desire exceeded in ascending. I will never lack of it , infinity. It seems that my lust is for someone who never knew me. How I can desired but never meant a thing.

My heart swells just seeing this. Envy . While I'm trapped in my little room of mine , loaded with pile of works . These people have this freedom , to discover life, the masterpiece of it . Making tune out their fingers. I yearn for this kind of experiences.

And I'm inches above the dust on the ground.

The best thing in life is to hear acoustic songs while watching trees through the window's car , while others are busy arguing about reality.

I am trying to find the right ground for me to walk even the path is wrong, totally winding.

Exam grades were suckling down.

Perhaps , we are at the crossroads .You walk your own path , going to your own corner , while I'm here stuck up figuring where the hell should I go.Left?Right?. If only you would not say that blunt statement that makes me suckle all the false hopes. Words.

I wish you the best.

I show different sides of me to certain people . The other self which are rare. Now that's new.I don't know in what logic senses that someone have somekind of superior aura that makes people weak.Even with silence.

Damn those talented people. I don't have anything to show.

Well , this is experience.

Now I know how it feels like being a performer, battling with your ownself for something worth it for people to watch.My vocals dissapoints me. Nevertheless , I should finish what I started.

Will be performing for the first time ever this wednesday . I'm speechless.

Aini : Kau memang banyak guna metafor kan?

urm yeah pretty much . I love relates with things because i don't want people to know the exact meaning of it in their raw understanding. It's pretty much a strategies to hide what's inside my mind . Besides , it's the art of writings. Haa i felt like taking journalism after spm.

No dawn , no day , I'm always in this twilight.

When my future architectured , and maybe the dream that I fold in the back of my mind will sink . I'll learn to be passionate in life somehow.

I'll find the seeds of my own future . Rather than seeing the reflection of the fogged mirrors.Nevertheless , I hope for a glistening cloudless future , Insyallah.

I muted my voice about love , when all I want is to peel it.

Peer pressure . Am I part of the cure or am I part of the diseases?

Instrumentals. I found out that these simple instrumentals have such powers , combining together to make a beautiful tune . I love that blown-melodica that Alberts used in this song . It's such an eargasm.

I may be look tough , a steel from any sayings and judgements , a mere shield for protecting my ego from bruising . But sensitiveness stills in me.Upgrade your freaking perceptions.

new gaymate ~ lol

someone dare me , i had no choice but to do it. someone shoot me.

Honestly , i just wish i was born with a good vocals -.-

suckle on the hope in lite brazziere

I ruined most of my exam papers . Apocalypse awaits me.

I am the victim of myself. Serves me right.

It's like aiming a bullet to a person , but eventually the bullet hits me back.

Aku tak faham kenapa propaganda lebih berkuasa daripada kebenaran yang sahih. Kita still tak sedar , tak buka kelopak mata sendiri untuk mencari kebenaran yang merayau di sekeliling kita .

Ya , aku tak mengaku yg aku ni betul je 24/7 , tapi dunia sekarang memang dah tercemar. Orang je tak sedar dengan media yang banyak memanipulasi kita ,membutakan kita . Bukan semua indah , hanyalah kiasan mata untuk realiti yang membahang , yang mencekik.

Aku tengok lautan orang dekat bandar ni macam pelakon , stage diorg adalah kehidupan diorg sendiri . Remaja adalah climax dalam sesuatu plot kehidupan . Mengharungi arus yang semakin deras , melemaskan. Di mana , pada masa tu kita mencari identiti kita sendiri , sesat dalam tarikan peer pressure. Ironiknya , aku bercakap tentang diri aku sendiri . Yes , aku memang sesat sekarang ni , dan aku ingin dijumpai.

*This is for you Farah Farif! haha nak sangat aku post entry dalam malay ,haha rasa mcm

A. Samad Said kejap *flips hair* tehehee

Violet Hills- that song surrounds me with some sense of dark aura , frustration of how media and politicians manipulate us. Where war seems to be the dice when future architectured.

This song reminds me of my dad , being a soldier to feed the family, for the sake of the leader's pointing finger. Citizens's voice are somehow inaudible.

When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away

Sometimes people around me is such a bitch. Judgement seems to be their language without looking at their own reflection . Some says that I'm monotonous even when I'm laughing , the good thing about being expresionless is I can hide my feeling very well , a good liar in my own pool of silence.

I'm too ego to even compliment people. And why do I even break the walls , the boundaries to the expresionless puppet?

ö

My nerves are poles that unfroze.

Boldness owns , when the nerves are wrecked.Bestowed upon weary feelings.When love seems to be a pricetag and appearance seems to be the weight , let me sink with my own self . Hollowed out by unfold dreams , where it melts away into the deep night. Bury me in hopes when uncertainty stinging clear. The lies that so real it populates. It speaks.

Cut all the ropes and let me fall.

I'm not worthy ? thanks.

See You Soon -Coldplay

Hearing this songs in the rainy days . I imagined that I'm in those classic black and white film , where I sat in a car watching the trees passed by , reminiscing.

If I could write thousands of letter just to vomit my feeling , I would . But it will returned back after all , like gravity.I'm acting like a bulletproof , while I'm just as fragile as ever.

Okay , no more false hopes . I'm tired of it.

I never seriously love someone , The weight of attaching to someone is too heavy ,this is how my heart behaves.

I often thinks that i'm stuck between two types of peers or clique. I am a versatile indeed , I befriended with all kind of peoples . I embrace my open-ness and littered away the shallowness.

I hanged out with most of the boys lately , their carefree attitude and the jokes that seems to be laughing machine are really giving me the ease compare to girls nonetheless . I would not have to mind my language or jokes that seems to be offensive . But of course , as a girl I have my limitations

I want to fly , but gravity still holds me

The Lovely Bones .

I was struck with the spilled emotions which the film delivers , which succesfully makes my tears shed.The uplonging pain of murder,the separations with the love ones . And then came the part when it shows the illustration of heaven .The massive colours of nature ,when birds flew magnificiently , enjoying the timeless second, the beauty is indeed unspeakable.

You should watch this movie ,it teaches us to cherish the life while we still have it.

I was perhaps thinking that it was rather perpentually ,infinity waiting for this nearly 2 blasphemy pages speech to end. Literally , I admired the theme , but the overflowing of guts that it needs was swallowing me down .

It was bad enough when I was selected for the first girl ever to be given speech . There was no face I knew , no lights of familiarity that would perhaps calm my nervousness down.

You had to speak with enthusiasm, show the world you are capable , you are worth it was all my inner-self whispered to me. The inner-self helped me , at least it did .

I climbed the stage , carefully watched my steps , as I knew clumsiness is a part of me .

At first , the mic was not working , second try ;none , third try; my voice audibled.

I read the speech like the news-anchors without any gestures whatsortever . I was indeed blinded by my own fear .

The text flew from the podium , I took it greedily .Embarassed flushed. Thank god it didnt flew far. I continued , made some pronounciation mistakes and the list goes on and ended up with "thankgodit'sfinish"-Thank-you.

Abah did not quite happy I did not win . He was afterall the one who wrote the speech , putting some fierce-military-words , and teached me how to speak like a roaring waves . sigh / when is my turn to make them proud for something on me?

When sometimes I want to voice out my thoughts ,deliver messages through out the people ; my voice is somehow inaudible . Writings is my only weapon nonetheless , that's why speaking was never my thing.

I've tried my best , it was an experience nonetheless :)

I swear I will be in a deepshit this Friday. And so , I didnt even prepare my speech yet .

A song for the sun

26th March . Happy 24th Birthday YUIsama.

I remember when I first heard of your song ,Life, the way you break the crowd in that massive town and the way you stared at the clouds ,it gives me a piece of your strength somehow.

I wouldnt know the true beauty of music without knowing you.

I found out that piano is such an enchanted instrument.The symbolism of sorrow and clarity really caught me , I craved for it honestly. But I never affords it .

It seems that my dream is far away , far away even my eyes can't caught the sight of it. Blurred in total confusion. There are invinsible walls in my reality , caught up with the same perception , my conditions stop me .I want to be heard honestly ,but it seems that my voice is inaudible .It's like I'm just an outcast in a particular film. I'm almost sick with people's echo ,that's like a wave stuck in my head .But when I turn my back on them ,guiltness possessed me.

There's a time of the month when I had my PMS and everybody seems hateful .and everything seems apocalyptic.

I laughed too much , am I changing into something I'm not? I'm concealing everything , justifying myself .
Coldplay's music bringing my mind into the depth of ecstasy , it makes me taste what fearless feels like ,making me want to run on an open track ,running my life out without any care.

Homeworks untouched .There goes myself , lying in a bed stucked with tonsil's fever.
Indonesia's trip was fine , learn how to be grateful eventually.

When people opened up topic about love , I was like "what is love? Is that some kind of food ? " and laughed myself out, alone. Well to be exact , I love myself more ,mighty Allah and my parents .it's not worth it to pour down the strong feelings to such person that in the end will eventually litter it away . But in the end , I'm just a clueless teenager who don't really know what love is.

I just got lost ,every river that I tried to cross.

can i take you ,take you higher?

My life went so fast .Full of acceleration and momentum (there goes my Physics -.-), and I tried ,tried so hard to follow the flow that brings me God-knows-where . It's been so fast,exhilarating with great energy, that I can't really understand what I'm going through. And how bitter to swallow the fact that I failed 2 subjects and gets a B on my English.

Separations and tears are a part of what it is now . I'm almost immuned to that , that's why I'm not really affected . Meeting in the same direction but splits on the corner of the road , it's a cycle of life really .So I don't see why I have to shred tears.That salty yucky liquid that runs down from my cornea.It's disgusting, and it brings pain to my entire soul , pours down my misery and chocked down my motivation. So I don't need them when afterall all it does is taking away my liveliness.

*what happened to me? all this positiveness 0.0 but afterall im sure this wont last long ,knowing who i am.this is creepy seriously.. lol

She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway.

I swear.

And she swears that the moon don't hang quiet as high as it used to .

I'll try to learn from my failure ,mistakes ,imperfection , incompetent . I swear I will regained back my dignity that slowly bleaches because of my natural inhabitant's habit that is procastination on my studies . I shall put all the blame on myself for being such ignorance . I am currently in the lowest degree of failure.
I don't know why I'm being in sciencestream in the first place.

I remember when I picked up the guitar, my eyes sparked with admiration .The thing in my hand is like magics. It was bringing out it's soul and was like interconnected with my soul.

And then , I started to plant some dreams and hopes in my self .Silently crying wanted so bad to be on stage ,singing with my uttermost passion.But then ,I realize I was running in the same place.

Fck off seriously , music may not be important to you ,but it's like oxygen to me.

... and money is just a freaking paper . You adults work like ants.

If if if if if

People changes .

I felt somewhat I'm left behind a thousand miles , a thousand steps . Washed in bewildered sea of people ,blinding lights. But then , gravity still holds me ,my feet on the earth crust as my dull emotions twitched with uncertainty.

What was it again that I'm running for ? that I'm chasing for?

Rather than a cheap love ,I rather go around embracing loneliness that perhaps really loves me.

Or a scarlet letter that will make my pride stands in a high height.

I have no idea.If only I could paint my future with a canvas and pastel colours.

Deep down inside , i'm actually really lonely.

So I've been sitting in front of computer , actless . This relationship thingy is so powerful ,it's actually controls people's mind. Maybe this jokes are getting too far .I watched Easy-A and intended to follow the main character , out of boredom. Lies is really powerful , it conquered one's mind completely . I laughed silently ,hidden in my smiles , and pretended it was true all the way .

Lol.

I never know when's the time anyway , to actually falls in those traps ,crachets ,cages that are so mind-blinding. Love is such a joke , sometimes.

Seeing couples with gazing eyes , blushing cheeks ,and holding hands .. Totally deprived my presence. Is there such feelings in me?

So there goes my life , going with the flows and people ,it's like a rush of waves ,totally swept me.

The blue clouds are so fine , it's an advantage to sit near the window.

I see nothing worst than to sail this universe without you

If only I can peek people's thought .

I still can hear the school's bell in my box of mind , when all it does is fading away the imaginations i'm trying to create.Time is like a loaded gun . School days are restless , I can't even explore my dreams in my sleep .When all I wanted to meet is the guy in my dream ,the faceless guy , he had succeed to possesed my so called "felt belonging" feelings,eventhough I don't actually know the face. It is so pathetic .

Sub-Science .I am still feeling wavery on my decisions. Everytime people asked me what I want to be ,can I say "I want to be myself" instead? ,and not the high status that the societies eager to hear?