A death so significant that it changes your life instantly, that it penetrates deep into my heart, a life that you didnt expect to be, so free and independent but also so unsettled. But I soldier on and I martyred myself to find the in between.

I guess when you look forward to what lay aheads you, suddenly, there's no room for unnecessary sadness. I puckered up from a withering leaves to a green one, when I'm 19 nothing else matters but myself. And I feel contented. ---- and believe me, this is not a self defense but a statement, seeing how unloved I am well atleast I wish God loves me.

Paces

just like water, i flow the river of life like a normal late teen . Finally realizing i'm at the edge of the teenage years. Daily routines govern my mind a little too much, sometimes i lost track of imagination and dreams. Ah, how ironic.

It's getting tired and old to rebel with no major positive consequences but only irrelevant destructions to own self and to martyr myself with silence and patience, is winning. And Allah knows best cuz He do not test a soul more than it can bear.

“And God said “Love Your Enemy,” and I obeyed him and loved myself.”
—Khalil Gibran

It's always nightime in my life, always a reversed. Years after years I found myself dreaming and wandering less and less, it's like there are huge walls constricted in the middle.
There are always a void , an empty cell or space in my heart, while I constantly disallow any form of affection that go through within.I thought, the love in front of my eyes are partly disenganged, I began to have a mindset "what's the point?" My life is always a void from any attention, but I'm greatful enough to have a shelter on my head and a 2 times meal to fill my stomach, eventhough there's not much of affection,guidance, any sort. Alhamdulilah, I'm still greatful, as it is.

I'm looking forward for the future, be it a raging sea or a calm pond.

If the difficulties,oppression and injustice define to your destructions, then you had to have a white flag. Difficulties meant to made us stronger and change to be a better person, not cursing to the air hoping that things change and turns to the wrong direction. Like a domino, I leaned to something that I expected to be inspiring but it turns out the wall doesnt have a strong base that results to my fall. Now I got nothing but inches above the ground. I got nothing to look forward to but a rusty wall that is too egoistic to even mend itself. I am dissapointed.

Desires can be heavenly but annihilating.
"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing."- Sylvia Plath

 Sometimes when I make-believed that I'm lost,I became one and i'll tell you it's one hell of a parasite. What's with me and pessimism? It's a love-hate relationship really.
You know when you're in the middle of 2 person talking and you're there convincing people you listened but
you was actually in this tiny little box where all psychedelic things happen. Yeah "pop that bubble" but it wasnt just a bubble.

Sure, you can be the night, but the night and the loud thoughts in an insomniac night is different. It gobbled you up to no extend. But I martyred myself to sleep because reality told me so, and i was dreamless and unfascinated. I see no dream but just comfort in a long hours of sleep.

People sucks. I don't know their true objectives or if they really sincere

I sink further like the depth of the sea,
and there you are floating

Qhilav that makes us in doubt, when we're so full of ourselves when the knowledge is as wide as the ocean and we only claim to know a drop of it, that's where we're mistaken.
And that's why even how victorious Khulafa Ar Rasyidin was, they can fall down like gravity just because from the pinch of arrogance and proud.

It's like a circle,really. When you point your finger, and a shield that protected your pride, reflects back to the opposition, but the opposition has the same equipment. Conclusion is endless, and our self defense was nothing but a time bomb that even destructs us.

Who am I really? To bark and scream to the thin air, for my own fate? Still stuck on the same path when you can just find the lights. Blaming sadness is like spitting to the air, pointless and frustrating.

Smile, even how shitty things are

Apabila reality laju macam peluru,
 ilmu untuk dicapai setinggi langit biru,
aku resah keliru
dan mencari apa itu yang satu

undang undang membuat aku bertelagah
pendapat yang gelisah
lidah yang kesah
mana satu kah?
sudahlah.

undang undang tuhan paling padu
bukan kamu.
yang jahil dan tidak tahu menahu
apa kamu tahu?

apabila ummah bersatu
iman yang jitu
bertelagah tidak perlu
dan itu kau harus tahu