Tudung

Mereka kata prinsip yang aku pegang tiada makna
Kerana aku tak memakai iman atas kepala
Siapa sangka
Manusia biasa boleh menilai seperti Yang maha Esa

Bukan apa
Aku menganggap seperti aku memakai iman atas kepala
Seperti mahkota
Status agama
Mana boleh aniaya
Aku taknak mencerminkan agama
Dengan perangai aku yang cela
Percakapan aku yang durjana

Dosa

Menuding jari ke dosa dosa kasar
Bertekak macam di pasar
"Tuhan aku lagi bagus dari tuhan kau"
Perangai jijik  tak terlangkau

Dari mana datangnya agama dengan egois
Baik aku kawan dengan atheist
Rasa diri tu bagus tak habis habis

Mungkin aku berdosa
Aku minta maaf, Yang Esa
Harap Kau jangan putus asa
Maafkan aku walau aku berkali kali berdosa

Live
And when they leave
You turn a new leaf
For an emotional uplift
And your money, you thrift
To live

When will this feeling gonna go
When it makes you so low
When your guts down below
Ended up these feelings you sow
To see a little glow

See, sadness is not for worshipping
Life will always be tripping or falling
But it's time we'll be soaring
And maybe smiling

Khilaf
Apa akukah yang khilaf?
Apa akukah yang naif?
Ataupun dosa itu subjektif?
Mungkinkah kita yang terlalu primitif?

Mencari ciri ciri tuhan di setiap orang
Agar jalan lurus tidak songsang
Tetapi rupanya iman pecah tembelang
Akhirnya masa yang dibuang
Ah, sayang!

Ilmu disuap
Status digilap
Kita asyik menghinggap
Sampai gelap

I've sinned and I'm continously sinning. I've pulled the curtains, i ate the forbidden fruit. I may not care what people think, but i'm sorry mama in heaven, i'm sorry God, please don't stop forgiving me if i ever sinned or will be sinning.

I'm in a pitch of darkness. Getting myself deep into the black hole. Into the most unorthodox and indecent desires thats just consumed me like leech. It's very awkward that God gave me this indiscreet nature but forbade it. I wanna seek salvation again , hard times makes me do rather unconstituitional thing to do.
I refused to be a damsel in distress but how do I be a heroin for my ownself, how do i venture this frustration. This contentious and hypocritical dual identity crisis, and I'm 20 I thought I'm too old already for this. I'm constantly tired and underprepared, can't have authority or jurisdiction over myself again since lately I'm so alien, I don't understand what i want

Law degree is---------------hard. Like a fucking brick, it makes your self esteem hurt and injured your self-confidene, and then you started thinking your level of intellectuality doesnt fit in the decision-making subjects  indecisive Judges judgement and puzzling law principles, endless disputes between human and etc etc etc.
But I'm just gonna try yknow, I'm just gonna stretch my ability, how far I can go, before changing directions and regret.

A death so significant that it changes your life instantly, that it penetrates deep into my heart, a life that you didnt expect to be, so free and independent but also so unsettled. But I soldier on and I martyred myself to find the in between.

I guess when you look forward to what lay aheads you, suddenly, there's no room for unnecessary sadness. I puckered up from a withering leaves to a green one, when I'm 19 nothing else matters but myself. And I feel contented. ---- and believe me, this is not a self defense but a statement, seeing how unloved I am well atleast I wish God loves me.

Paces

just like water, i flow the river of life like a normal late teen . Finally realizing i'm at the edge of the teenage years. Daily routines govern my mind a little too much, sometimes i lost track of imagination and dreams. Ah, how ironic.

It's getting tired and old to rebel with no major positive consequences but only irrelevant destructions to own self and to martyr myself with silence and patience, is winning. And Allah knows best cuz He do not test a soul more than it can bear.

“And God said “Love Your Enemy,” and I obeyed him and loved myself.”
—Khalil Gibran

It's always nightime in my life, always a reversed. Years after years I found myself dreaming and wandering less and less, it's like there are huge walls constricted in the middle.
There are always a void , an empty cell or space in my heart, while I constantly disallow any form of affection that go through within.I thought, the love in front of my eyes are partly disenganged, I began to have a mindset "what's the point?" My life is always a void from any attention, but I'm greatful enough to have a shelter on my head and a 2 times meal to fill my stomach, eventhough there's not much of affection,guidance, any sort. Alhamdulilah, I'm still greatful, as it is.

I'm looking forward for the future, be it a raging sea or a calm pond.

If the difficulties,oppression and injustice define to your destructions, then you had to have a white flag. Difficulties meant to made us stronger and change to be a better person, not cursing to the air hoping that things change and turns to the wrong direction. Like a domino, I leaned to something that I expected to be inspiring but it turns out the wall doesnt have a strong base that results to my fall. Now I got nothing but inches above the ground. I got nothing to look forward to but a rusty wall that is too egoistic to even mend itself. I am dissapointed.

Desires can be heavenly but annihilating.
"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing."- Sylvia Plath

 Sometimes when I make-believed that I'm lost,I became one and i'll tell you it's one hell of a parasite. What's with me and pessimism? It's a love-hate relationship really.
You know when you're in the middle of 2 person talking and you're there convincing people you listened but
you was actually in this tiny little box where all psychedelic things happen. Yeah "pop that bubble" but it wasnt just a bubble.

Sure, you can be the night, but the night and the loud thoughts in an insomniac night is different. It gobbled you up to no extend. But I martyred myself to sleep because reality told me so, and i was dreamless and unfascinated. I see no dream but just comfort in a long hours of sleep.

People sucks. I don't know their true objectives or if they really sincere

I sink further like the depth of the sea,
and there you are floating

Qhilav that makes us in doubt, when we're so full of ourselves when the knowledge is as wide as the ocean and we only claim to know a drop of it, that's where we're mistaken.
And that's why even how victorious Khulafa Ar Rasyidin was, they can fall down like gravity just because from the pinch of arrogance and proud.

It's like a circle,really. When you point your finger, and a shield that protected your pride, reflects back to the opposition, but the opposition has the same equipment. Conclusion is endless, and our self defense was nothing but a time bomb that even destructs us.

Who am I really? To bark and scream to the thin air, for my own fate? Still stuck on the same path when you can just find the lights. Blaming sadness is like spitting to the air, pointless and frustrating.

Smile, even how shitty things are

Apabila reality laju macam peluru,
 ilmu untuk dicapai setinggi langit biru,
aku resah keliru
dan mencari apa itu yang satu

undang undang membuat aku bertelagah
pendapat yang gelisah
lidah yang kesah
mana satu kah?
sudahlah.

undang undang tuhan paling padu
bukan kamu.
yang jahil dan tidak tahu menahu
apa kamu tahu?

apabila ummah bersatu
iman yang jitu
bertelagah tidak perlu
dan itu kau harus tahu

Verily, with every hardship comes ease” (Qur'an, 94:6).

Foundation in Law, International Islamic University Malaysia.
Deep breath, this is the road I've taken and know that there will be no turning back. I was struggling with self blamed, envy of my other friends who gotten place in university, while I feel utter loser never knowing what I want to do with my life, a bit suicidal after what I went through after the love of a mother was lost and an attention from a father that never return. I thought I was all alone.
But Allah exists. And I need no one.

It's been 10 months, and I was wondering like a beggar for purpose. What was it that I want again? Which road again?
 Eighteen drought with this life saltiness, seeking for parents love,guidance that never exist, seeking for objectives . Perhaps if I dissapears no one actually notice.





 I miss you mum, it hurts

"So I kiss goodbye to every little ounce of pain, light a cigarette and wish the world away"
"So I hold two fingers up to yesterday, light a cigarette and smoke it all away"