Apabila reality laju macam peluru,
 ilmu untuk dicapai setinggi langit biru,
aku resah keliru
dan mencari apa itu yang satu

undang undang membuat aku bertelagah
pendapat yang gelisah
lidah yang kesah
mana satu kah?
sudahlah.

undang undang tuhan paling padu
bukan kamu.
yang jahil dan tidak tahu menahu
apa kamu tahu?

apabila ummah bersatu
iman yang jitu
bertelagah tidak perlu
dan itu kau harus tahu

Verily, with every hardship comes ease” (Qur'an, 94:6).

Foundation in Law, International Islamic University Malaysia.
Deep breath, this is the road I've taken and know that there will be no turning back. I was struggling with self blamed, envy of my other friends who gotten place in university, while I feel utter loser never knowing what I want to do with my life, a bit suicidal after what I went through after the love of a mother was lost and an attention from a father that never return. I thought I was all alone.
But Allah exists. And I need no one.

It's been 10 months, and I was wondering like a beggar for purpose. What was it that I want again? Which road again?
 Eighteen drought with this life saltiness, seeking for parents love,guidance that never exist, seeking for objectives . Perhaps if I dissapears no one actually notice.





 I miss you mum, it hurts

"So I kiss goodbye to every little ounce of pain, light a cigarette and wish the world away"
"So I hold two fingers up to yesterday, light a cigarette and smoke it all away"

muntahkan semua

Aku lalang, terumbang ambing malam dan siang. Duit macam air di padang pasir yang kering kontang. Suara yang terngiang ngiang, cinta putih keluarga yang curang, pudar kepercayaan dari seseorang dan lampu malap yang dulunya terang benderang.

I was a spoiled teenagers, everything from my educations to my tampons on my first day I got period my late mom was there and take cares of me, I never knew this stage of life will happens to me. Now I'm almost 18 and she leaves this world without me ever feels ready, and a dad that remarries leaving all behind, and a rejected university applications, and a daily money that is too little to survive.
I begin to ponder whats there in life?Why for a sudden everything is gone? What did I do wrong?
All those sleepless nights I've been asking, playing like an old record the back of my mind.
I never blame god however, I cry in front of Him and ask Him to lighten the burdens I felt if my life meant to be windy.It's just that how do I deal with sadness? How you can handle this uttermost depression like everythings fall apart? Is there still hope? Will my life gets better? Will I ever be happy? I'd rather be numb than to feel pain but I didnt feel numb because pain penetrates every goddamn inches.

sakit

"Sometimes I wish I stayed inside my mother, never to come out"

anesthetize

There's a point in life where everything just fucking happens.
'Home', a place you thought you knew so well, so complete, so safe ,so sedentary, individual warm feelings that you're home. You knew every cracks on the wall and uneven surfaces, fammiliar marbles of floor that crack, family photos and every faces with lukewarm fammiliarity.
Now it's just a fucking place where I put my shit and live in it with no meaning, no such purposes but to have shelter on your head and a bed to hibernate. Because if you say you have a family but you have no parents, you're a fucking delusional.

I'm just a star that made out from a cardboard hanging with plastic strings. I got nowhere to hang and I am lost in the wind.
I know and I try so hard to understand that we all had a design.If my life is design to be this way I just had to draw the way out of this frustration, well at least, to keep sanity or not to blow my head. Life is a shitholes shades of grey and I frequently ask why to a simple answer