mixed up emotion.

I just arrive back from Kelantan,have cleaning myself and i'm ready to tell my bitter experience i had in my whole life,

27 MAY 2009
The date i can't surely forget in my whole life.I havent felt this tragic feeling since my UPSR result.My grandma is surely gone forever.Eventhough i cant accept it,but what can i do?It's God will.She was actually sleep with me in the same room i sat here.But yeah,i'm feeling really sad because she's living with me almost 1 and a half year.And i always accompany herwhenever she felt lonely.

It started when it was 8.15 ,my maid woke me up panicly and said she was already dead,and i was like so suprised and woke up shockingly.Hve to wait until my cousin pick me up to Masjid Tabung Haji to shower her body.I enter the room where her body had to shower,and i was like suprised seeing her calm,sleeping face.But her face was little yellow because of her illness,and i was eventually i cried,i cannot accept that she's dead and i cannot accept the fact that i eventually seeing her corpse.I waited the showering session with my mixed up emotion until it was over.I want to shower her actually,but my mom wouldnt let me.I was kinda dissapointed with that.And then all the relative was asked to kissed her.Everybody kissed her and first time in my life,i cried with so much sadness.And my relatives,even the boys weeping for her death.Her bodies have been bought by the jenazah van and my car following the van to Kelantan;her hometown and her bodies was safely in her grave right now.May her soul be in The Paradise.

Exams,i dont want to talk about that,I dont take many papers.And i'm very very not doing well in that.I dont even have time for myself.I dont even have time to say goodbye to my friends.I'm so sorry,i dont even want for this to happen.Hmmm,i wanted to meet my friends so bad but i dont have time.I will be busy for this whole holiday.And i'm not ready for my moving.I dont want really.But what can i do?My life totally messed up lately.The person i loved is already gone,i'm leaving my friends,i have to face those stranger i dont even know in the new school.This all happen too fast,dont even realizing me.I just have to continue my unfaithful
life.

Aida,thnx for being my super-duper best friend in my entire life!
2J,thnx for memories.
Aini,thnx for being there when i need you
Aidil,thnx for your support
MCSH,thnx for making me obsess and gone crazy for you


:D.

Khairunnisa.

i dont want to go up there and pretend i'm okay

I just finish from 1 hour chatting with Aida and my internet friend guy.He asked me to hear Blue sand song that addict me.I can understand your feeling very well :) .Somehow,your life are match with my life and we have to stuck from the harshness of reality.

So i'm still on exam.My grandma's illness is becoming even worst and she might not live long anymore,and Mama still on sober.And at the same time,she doesnt really much gave attention to me,and even worst i didnt do well on exam ,i cant concentrate at all.And here i am ,stuck in front of PC.Saying rubbish at my own blog.I dont know how to describe my feeling anymore.

People around me saying things like"I will gonna be miss you","Are you moving?!".I can see fakeness in them.I dont see any difference wether i'm moving or not.Since they got in high school,they totally forgot me and when they knew the news that i will be moving,the pretending to be pitiful at me.Why did they even bother?
-even a book of memory will turn into dusk.

Exam are getting pretty sucks to me.I dont know if i pass or not,i dont bother to get A's nowadays,because i wouldnt get even how much hard work i put in.Haaishh.I more spend times with my only chocolate-black coloured guitar.Ahhh,sometimes i can't stand being in my room,cuz it reminds me of my grandma,her baby poder face,her hairbrush,her lotion,her clothe.Everything,haunting me.Eventhough she live with me for just 1 and half a year,but still it reminds me of her a lot.

Shenn huan,i dont see him for a while now.I think it's almost second week since i dont get to see him.After all,it all turns to unrequited love.Haaih,i dont know.Maybe i'm too unlucky with love.

I just cant believe i still got 4 days left in my-not-reach-2-years' school.I dont know about the teacher's day performance.Impossible i can do with in front of so many crowds.And with my unconfident feeling,i decided not to do for the sake of myself.Cuz it only brought shame to me.
____________________




Khairunnisa.

Gee gee gee ,baby baby .

I'm impress by this talented people -:







That's all for today.I decide that i dont wnt to review about my life,cuz it's too misery.Maybe later.

Khairunnisa.

i just cry a lot.

I'm crying right now.I really am.My tears cant stop pouring down like crazy.I think exams make me feel like that.I dont study for Science tomorrow yet,i dont know i just dont know.Many unhappy things happened and i'm at my extreme point of inferiority complex.My grandma is in coma right now.Her illness is getting worse.Whenever i need mama,she's not in house.Each time i woke up,and each time i go and coming back from school she's nowhere to be seen.I think i maybe failed for Science tomorrow.I'm just suck at it.I sleep ,unrealizing maybe tiredness affect me,and all the tension i got.That cause me crying for a countless time today.I need someone to talk to somewhow,Aida is the superwoman .But somehow,i can't disturb her,she's on exam and in fact she's studying hard right now.

Now wht?I'm not study anything for Science that have 4 chapters though it's already 12 am.And the paper is tomorrow.Sometimes i just want to shout for the fact it is.Nobody's home,my mother spent all day in hospital.I felt really really stress and lonely.I hate this.My eyes have already swollen.I dont even know why i cry that much.I dont even accept the fact tht i was such a cry baby.

I called mama like and i was crying that i'm afraid of exams tomorrow,and i dont know wht to start or wht to study and i'm clueless.And with her calm voice,she just said that she'll not getting mad even i failed.She just asked me to the test and and thts all.But somehow,the words is not easy as she speaks.Because,i have once when i was 10,i cant do the mathematic test at all and i'm actually cried at the very same time when i do the test.I'm afraid that i'm going to be like that for tommorrow.I'm unexpected.
My head,my mind are so flustered right now.I felt like i wnt t0 die now.

Khairunnisa.

2 weeks.

There's only 2 weeks remain time for me to stay in this Selangor state.
I dont go to school today for revision reason and i'm not in the mood because of yesterday but i only revise like half an hour and then i close the book.I dont know what will happen to me in exam time.It's only left 4 days for me to revise more than 20 topic all together.I am doomed.
Nonetheless,i should just make the exam ,i dont care the result anymore because i wouldnt know them anyway.And just look forward for my new life in Malacca. Abah have been putting air cond in my new room and i paint the room with turqoise colour.It all depends later.I just felt this happen just in a wink of an eye.

I talk a long hour with Aida yesterday.Talking about yesterday,i upset with Aini.She's not the one i'm looking for all this while.My problem is maybe well you may think i'm childish.But to me,it does really hurt me.She firstly upset with Amirah because Amirah said that she accidently tell aini's secret.Well,her fault too because why she bother tell her secret to someone like that instead of me?!I get upset because i didnt know the secret.After all,i think she's the closest friend in my school.This is unfair.When Amirah told me,i just said what i want.I dont care what your heart feels like.What about my heart?Just left them rotten because of your act?Don't kidding me.

And after all,all i tell all those unsatisfied feeling at Aida.She 's the trustful person in my whole life now.But reality force me to separate from her.Reality is unfair.But seriously i hope the exam will past quickly.I can't stand,i felt insecure.Especially Science,i'm weak at that subject and Geografi too.Well,let's just say that i've got C or D for that subject or maybe an E.Who knows,i'm not smart.

Last Sunday,well i go out with Aida and Anis.Despite that Anis will going to Matrix to further her studies.I hope she's ok in there.And i felt pity for Aida because her sister left her ,i will left her too.And she said she's not in the good mood with Chai Yee,her friend.But what can i do?I hope we will still keep in touch.Unlike my old friend,i've never made a contact with them.But since Ili spread the news about my moving plan,somebody did gave respond that is Nik.It's ackward because she's never greet me or anything.

I just dont care about the result.Sorry for repeating this many times.I want to erase my worryness.I will not get an A's,but at least god ,70 ++ will do.Except,miracle happens.

KHAIRUNNISA.

YAY for YUI-san!

I just watched Again MV.Guess wht?It was soo cool.And i have read the english translation.It was so emotional.I can feel it,because she loves music,either me.So that's why,and her feeling exactly as mine.And the song makes me want to play it all over.Well,i love her as usual.Ganbatte YUI-san~





I hope Sony didnt delete this MV,because where else i want to watch it.There's none in Malaysia.
____________________

Kono omoi o keshite shimau ni wa
Mada jinsei nagai desho?
Yarinokoshiteru koto
Yarinaoshite mitai kara

Yume no tsuzuki oikakete ita hazu na no ni
Magarikunetta hosoi michi hito ni tsumazuku

Ano koro mitai ni tte modoritai wake ja nai no
Nakushite kita sora o sagashiteru
Wakatte kuremasu you ni
Gisei ni natta you na kanashii kao wa yamete yo

Tsumi no saigo wa namida ja nai yo
Zutto kurushiku seottekun da
Deguchi mienai kanjou meiro ni
Dare o matteru no?
Shiroi nooto ni tsuzutta you ni
Motto sunao ni hakidashitai yo
Nani kara nogaretain da
…Genjitsu tte yatsu?

Kanaeru tame ni ikiterun da tte
Sakebitaku naru yo kikoete imasu ka?
Munan ni nante yatterarenai kara
…Kaeru basho mo nai no
Yasashisa ni wa itsumo kanshashiteru
Dakara tsuyoku naritai (I’m on the way)
Natsukashiku naru
Konna itami mo kangeijan

_____________________

Isn’t my life still too long
For erasing these thoughts?
I have things left to do
Because I want to try doing them again

Even though I must have been pursuing the continuation of my dream
I stumble over other people on a narrow, winding road

It’s not that I want to return to how it was like back then
I’m searching for the sky that I’ve lost
I wish that you’ll understand me
Stop making that sad face like you’ve been sacrificed

There aren’t tears at the end of sins
I’ve painfully bore them all this time
In the labyrinth of emotions where I can’t see the exit
Who am I waiting for?

As if having written it in a white notebook
I want to divulge myself more honestly
What do I want to flee from?
…Something known as reality?

I’m alive so that I can fulfill myself
I feel like shouting so; can you hear me?
Because I can’t be doing it safe and sound
…There’s no place for me to return to, either
I’m always grateful for kindness
So I want to become strong (I’m on the way)
I even welcome such a pain
That turns nostalgic
Isn’t my life still too long
For erasing these thoughts?
I have things left to do
Because I want to try doing them again

Well,i review about my life late,i'm busy right now because exams are coming.So later~

you want me to die in shock?goooshh.

I just played the Scary maze game for the first time in my life and it was like BABI--.I screamed my hearts out and i almost crying and i cursed a lot ,very very a lot.Seriously,never gave them play to the heart disease person.I see some reaction for people who played it at youtube.Some really really crying,some just screaming and knocking monitor,some fell from the chair.Haha,it's really funny.But serious people,when you play the maze you concentrate a lot,because it's the hardest maze in the world,until it was level 3,at the very end.You put so much concentration on it and of course silence is needed.And ohhh,i get phobia to just storying it back.And then really really scary face appear on the monitor with the screaming background sound.I mean all of a sudden,when you put all your concentration.Oh my god,my heart jump like a thousand miles then.And my cousin happens to be in that room laughed their hearts out to me,and i was like fucckk,babi kau.My aunt scolded us because i screamed too loud,that's the loudest screamed i've ever did in my life.Not to mention,the house have guest and i screamed like someone have bommed the house.Of course we got scolded;but not actually me who got scolded is my cousin.My other cousin who is only 8 years old,really crying.I felt pity for him.He's only a kid.


Abah trade in for new cars.I dont really care much,because i dont want to show off anything.Schools are fine.I thought i'm going start study today,but i dont.Because i go out eating sate and went to my cousin house of course.And i'm exhausted.Sara said that Ili want to make farrewell party for me.Ahh,ili.I miss her so damn much,i still can remember her motherhood attitude.I have not contact her for like a half year now.People's way,is very different from my way.As like in honey and clover,when we're walking life together and met a junction ,only goodbye is to said.I really admire the quote.The mangaka is just like a poet.She can make anime with aspect of arts in it.Haaissh,i'm damn worried with my exams.I wanted to study,but laziness took over me.I guess i really have to make a full concentration on my study and just accept whatever the result is.After all,i am going to move out and i wont know my exams result.
Now i damn missed Aida,tehre's only like 3 weeks remain for me to spend time with her.She's like my best friend who i trusted a lot.And the longest true friend i can remain.

I saw Shen huann today,He wear a hoody ,damn he look so good . And since i have ERT today and i have to make currypuff,i saw him.Apparently,today when the muslims boy went to praying Jumaat,there is somekind of singing competition.And it's all chinese.Including him,but he dont participate he just peeping from the window hall.He wear hoody with of course school uniform.And he melt me----.I know this is kinda cheesy.
Simon,back from recess time,when i was going to return back to class,his friend and him is behind me when i going up to the stair,and i dont know why his friend patting my shoulder,like twice.And i looked back,and his friend make innocence face and simon;he laughed showing his teeth.I was like omg,Simon!Maybe because his friend making fool out of me that he laughed.But i dont know,i was shocked mixed with happy.And i tell you,his teeth is not good looking you know.Haha,get a braces.

KHAIRUNNISA.

messed up mind

Yup,yup exams are around the corner.Less than 2 weeks.I havent do my revision yet.I just hate doing that.I'm not gonna know my exms result anyway because i will be moving.Yup,less than a month from now.I hate this but i have to.Aini sometimes pissed me off with her attitude,she always defend Amirah but not me.I felt threatened for some reason.Daamn.I'm beginning to dislike Amirah behind my fake smile.Yeaah,when i'm mad with someone,i dont tell them directly.I created fake smile.So you never know i'm mad or what.

At Art time at school,my hand bleed,and i licked them.And myclassmate at the same time like "EEUUWW".Haha what's wrong?i mean the taste is just salty and ironic,they called me vampire and all that thing.Haha.I just dont get it why they say that.In fact.dont they at least once taste it?

I'm very worried for exams,seriously daamn.I haaatee to study.I cant stand it.I'm better off studying music than science and sejarah.Hmmm,life is chaotic.Everytime i went home from school,i got this pile of homework and a heavy aching head.Huuuh.And parents quarelling about that this.My life is soo damn boring.I havent seen Aida for like a month.My love life,puuuh still not improving.In fact,some bitch called gedikly to him.Siaaalaan kau---.
Ahhh,my homework isnt finished yet and yet i still hearing screamo song.And its 4 am,i slept last night so my eyes can't sleep a wink now.My friend still calling me braces for that incident.Ohh,how many million times do i have to tell them,i will not fall to that guy.I just like his smile.

Ahhh---what i'm gonna do now?I'm totally clueless!!I'm not i the mood to study right now.I just have to finish my shitty homework,and manga-scanning.Maybe i start this friday.And AIDAA,i'm dying to meet you.

crowded mind --

Too many,too many things left for me to say.But somehow,i dont know how to start.Okay i just back like 2 days from camping.I felt 3 days just like 3 weeks.Seriously.I'm exhausted and all that,i got fever ,i talk to strangers.Well,i have to for some reason.And I just like to see someone with braces.

Okay the first day,arrived with bus and ceramah2 and all that,at night went for nightwalking without torchlight or anything in the middle of the night almost like 1 am .Only god knows how scared i am.In the night i cant sleep at all,not even a wink.

Second day, got up at 5 am and felt really 2 blank.Hell sleepy and unfortunately i have to hear all those ceramah2 about nature something like that.I have to endure it how much sleepy i am.Exploracing with my team ,well it's fun actually but i have to walk to many places.Sliped for many times.Fell for many times.

And blindtrail,it was so so so GILAA--.We have to closed our eyes and walking with just people's instruction,and i fell for countless time.I dont even know how ridicolously look i am.And i dont even know who's hand i held that time.Wether boys or girl's hand,i dont know.I just held their hand for support.I just can compare the rough one and the soft hand.Haha,ridiculous.And i just swim in mud,and when i open my eyes back,i just realized i'm covered in full dirt.I was so suprised i cursed.And i have to go back to my dorm from that place which has lots of people stared me because seriously you dont know how embrassing state i am that time.Okay they look me as if i'm alien or something.Embrassing.
The next day,well went for jungle tracking and swim in the fontain.And went back to dorm to backpaking to return.

My lead group who happens to know Wafi.He said my face looks exactly like my brother and he knows that i'm playing guitar which i dont know how he know .I dont know why he know me soo well detail.Because i've nver met him,i never talked to him.I never playing guitar in front of him.It's so ---weird.And i have to admit,he has a beautiful smile and attractie eyes.He wore braces,but i dont know why i find it cute.That's it,dont misunderstood because i dont ever have love feeling or sortever because i will never fall on malay guy.That's it,and he's pretty nice to me and he's a simple guy.So yeaah.I just only thought that,i dont like him or whatever.Dont minsundertand AIDAA!!


So that's it my experience for the first time left home over 2 days.Well,it was an experience to me..I cant storied it detailly because i want to sleep so badly now.

KHAIRUNNISA.