Gloria~

Once again,this woman makes me stand on my own feet for my upcoming PMR.

I smiled faintly to this person,who had appeared in my life,giving her strength.Even if my heart ached,separated in a junction,where we go to our own path,stepping slowly to the every square as if we're walking in those checkered floor at any shopping mall,chasing the drop of time to our own future.

I can't sigh nor cried,smoldering myself of my own sorrow.Even if i'm alone and confused,i must step with my own feet,feel the earth ground.Even if this life is uncomplete puzzle,where i just search like a brainless mice in a complicated maze.Find my own wings ,or invincible,even if it's not realistic,the wings for my own freedom.

devastating

In a calm night,hearing his voice,his shallow voice,his deep chuckled,his calm humming,made me fall to deep sleep.Until i was drown in nightmares,blood all around the illusions,a pain death.As i ran to nowhere ,escaping to bright side,escaping and escaping.Until i woke up sweating,hearing the fierce thunder,don't know wether im still in the field of dream or in reality.I hugged myself in a dark room ,fearness entangled in my mind,gasping to breathe right air.

Urghh,i hate nightmares.

Baka.

Swearing at the laptop's monitor,the cheeky "Server Not Found" makes me slammed the Mcdonald's french fries,who the delivery-boy
trying to flirt,telling me im matured with my age on,and where studying whatsortever,with my small devilish mind speaks
"Take the damn money and get your ass out of here,you fucking fatty".Ahh,the cruelty and sadist sometimes played in my mind,with a mask and plastic smile thats covering them.
Fakeness,yes one piece from a hundred pieces of personality in me ,stick as if like a nail on everybody's finger,the tool for me to confront people.Smile,just smile even if my hearts
aches.

Baka.(stupid in japanese)

the connection is risen up my anger,missing out a precious conversation,missing out a talk from soul to soul,even if we're bound by an invicible wall,
Wait,this relationship,neither lover nor a typical friendship, middle i guess.No,it's not bothering me when others made false conclusion,perspectives on us.Because i have my own perspectives on how it works.
Coming from a rainy November,out of nowhere,He's like a person reflects my inner sef,mutuality i guess,he's just like my another self,that reflects towards the mirror.


Oh,another day,another steps towards the brick of boring days.The schooldays are inches above me.
Here comes another lonely schooldays,where i just doodled,staring at the textbook,talking with myself in my box of mind maybe with my imaginary friend,hoping for her to listen, in my own little world
.And all around me was strangers,talking crap with their typical minded.Envying the laughter around me that breaks my ear-amplifier.
And all my days ends with sigh,as i slammed myself on my bed ,trying to shout in the tiny room,but failed,even my voice wont come out from my throats,from empty hearts.

I really need a psychologist,im arguing with my inner self.


Maybe someone out there when they read this,the first thing when their mouth came out was "she's an emo".Think again,don't rushly mades assumption.
Imagine,that you were in my shoes,in my body,in my soul,in my own thoughts,in my own lack-of-strength.What do you feel?What your inner self tried to whisper to you?
Think again.

Deep,like Laila said :)

Rubbing my unopened eyelids, I can see
Into a pastel-patterned future
I’ll pursue an inlaid symbol
As my expression were pulled in closer

Say, what was it that I’ve been searching for?
That’s right, exactly when were those days
When we defied gravity to see each other / When we used to meet, denying the attraction that was forming between us?

It’s like a waltz, isn’t it? So wondrous
At a crossroad lit with sunbeams seeming to whisper through the trees
As the two of us rotate as if in a waltz,
We express ourselves

Throwing up all my overheated emotions,
I could see the landscape
Over half a year ago, I made it smolder
By setting the image on fire

What was it that I’ve lost?
Even so, I’m fine, I tell you
We’ll probably seek out comparisons with our gravity

It’s like a waltz, isn’t it? So lovely
As we listen to chirps that seem to murmur
As if we’re dancing a waltz, the two of us
Express ourselves

Ah, repaint reality, which is playing dumb, with primary colors
I’ll draw you close to me, so, please
From there on, let’s continue to dance
Our very own waltz

It’s like a waltz, isn’t it? So wondrous
At a crossroad lit with sunbeams seeming to whisper through the trees
As the two of us rotate as if in a waltz,
We express ourselves

This song,engtangling my ear over a week now,the dreamy feeling,the searching feeling embrace my mind.Ahh,nostalgic.

Mutual.

"No,please don't go away from my life,you're my drugs to cure this broken soul"

This phrase echoing in my mind,tightened my grip and closed my eyes.Somehow he's the reason i lived,I started to learn to step with my own feet in this real world.He makes me alive,existed,subsist,breath.

I open my eyelid and s sighed , after looking at the unreply message,waiting and waiting like a doll waiting in a toys shoppe,waiting for her owner to pick her up to their new home,.Is his heart ached because of my true feeling to him?Is my words distracted his mind and left him with a great dissapoint lingering around his soul?
I'm not rejecting him,or threw what he felt as if a bunch of expired cake into a dustbin full of rubbish.This kind of person,appeared in my life just once ,there will never a single human who have thoughts like a deep ocean like him,and a words that risen up my courageness,to live again and walk this chaotic life.

Crossing boundaries.

I really wanted to run from this family,this place.This world that my soul have placed in a ordinary looking girl body.Placed in this chaotic family,who argued about finance and bills,hardly even recognized my existence,my desire.I'm like living in a box,im trapped in the middle of sounds and fury.

Ahh,what am i chasing?All the unsure,the invincible arrow?That future canvas,i hoped to see it,with a curved smile on my face,seeing with my own eyes,my own happy ending.And through those sigh and lies within myself in a sacket ,a huge sacket that i carried too far,until my legs dropped on the dirty soil on a rowdy road.

I wish i can scream my hearts out just like when i used to feel the adrenaline when riding the rollercoaster like last week.My mind is pretty messed up right now.

doubt.

Lying on a carpet in front of the un-off tv,playing a random advertisement.I lay helplessly on a green carpet,with no one in the house in the wet ,cloudy evening.Her voice with guilt saying apology,calling me while i was still in a dreamless dream,my mind still suffocating back then.
I just replied with a glad but weak voice.Just erased your guilt,no our guilt, and just bury it.
And she said she was dreaming of my last breath in this world,and she woke up crying.
Do we have a sixth sense,or soul connection,Aida?haha XD

My dissapoinment increased like a lava going up to the highest level of volcano,after knowing i have to stuck in a 3 wholesome family holiday.And erased the long-planned comicfiesta where i can see cosplayers lingering around the hall,and a jpop song that run through my ear amplify.Ahh,that scene locked in my mind.But it all turns to dust,when i heard the rejection by the queen of family.

suffocating.

Throw all your blames on me,I accepted better than not knowing what you keep marinade in your heart.I'm like an annoying mosquitos that buzzing near your ears,you should slap me alive instantly.I dont have to even existed your life,maybe.I'm a bother to you.I just wanted to be with you,sincerely ,with my heart singing to it's pride to even sat beside you,and see your curved smile and your bright laughter.
Maybe i demand and depend on you too much that it troubles you.

If only i can tore this ignorance feeling in myself,and killed it alive with a sharp knife in my hand stabbing to it's last breath.I should go back to Melaka,with no one d to even speak with,spending my time in that dull spacious room,laying on the bed while staring on that dull ceiling,just like myself.


Shut.

Drive me to the pillow.

With my half-closed eyes,no electricity in my veins,and air-mind.I still wrote this somehow with my mind staring at the place where i drown my energy with the comfy pillow,whenever i put my head on it,and just bring my soul into the dream.

Where i was enjoying my food,my dinner with my family,enjoy the last bite of the Nando's chicken that melts my saliva away with their ingredient spices.Unknown number said hye to me,and when i realised who it is,i harshly said "bye" without a greeting on it.Am i harsh or too ignorance?or i'm just freaking not interested in boys with a typical mind that hunger for attention and compliments.I always glance them with a cold stares,with a despise feeling and whisper to myself "typical" in such way,or is it i ran away from this love/crush feeling because it's too heavy for me to hold,to heavy for me to carried this big crechet and somehow can faint every pieces of my heart.I'm clueless.


Ahh,i should do some exercises that can eventually will rush back my adrenaline,my sweat,the oxygen that makes my head feel energetic and powerful in some way,to bring back my rush-self,to make me alive again compare to this lifeless person that i lie my soul in it.

crush over a picture.

I smiled furiously ,to this young guy but had an old soul,closed-eyed singing with such passion with guitar on his knees.He's nothing special when you look at this broke musician,that performing local shows with just a jeans and a tshirt and a messy hair like he's just woke up from bed.Still,his voice that sounds like he got a sore throat,and a wondering lyrics that he gets maybe from strolling around a streets observing people's act,though sometimes he just crapping in his lyrics,and chuckled with his scottish accent and smoke his last cigarette,showing how much calm person he is.Why,why i eager to this kind of person again to straightly said "it's alright',with a calm voice,patting me to make me feel good after i cried sobbingly.

Get over it,Khairunnisa..geez.

Apology.

I just made someone cursing over my inbox message,i can see his anger.And i actually didnt realize it.I'm deeply sorry,i'm just a weak human that make mistakes hoping that this two words would change his anger and hateful towards me.As a friend,i admit my mistakes.
I'm sorry.

million faces.

I finally seen the world after a week being a hikikimori,with my lenses,a long sleeve hoody,a jeans,a sneaker,and my lucky charm necklace that has a K wood's carve.Step onto the simen ground,flared my nostrils to breathe the fresh morning air,and smiling over myself to the sunlight that shone over my hair.

heading toward's old friend's place that have lost contact almost 1 year.Ackwardness and silenceness surround myself as if this person is a stranger to me who i found in the middle of a streets,i must don't have a face because for a sudden shamelessly asked to go together.I hope she didnt mind my ignorance.

These faces i'm meeting that have registered in my crowded brain since i was primary school.I'm just a bit lost in this social gathering,with aida's absentness,she's like my lucky charm that strenghten my confidence.And of course those taking picture time is a must.I just look pale and colorless in my picture ,and if i smile hard these fluffy cheeks will risen up like a chubby-kid smiling furiously over a Bigmac.

We talk a lot and gossip haha.she still her old self not a bit change though i did think she change a bit but my thoughts have made a false conclusion.She tells other's life,that leading a luxurious and easy life,they didnt do anything really just borned into a rich mom's womb,and demand so much.I just silently envy having whatever they want with just a blink of an eye,still they argue with their parents though eventhough their parents poured so much love into them.Just imagine you were in my shoes,parents didnt actually care,sweating and crave for the thing i want,friendless in my life and having people's acceptance.There's more ahead.


This person,confessing her life that bothering her,felt like she should end it.Seeing her eyes like i've just seen a clear glasses,i understand her,felt like i was in her shoe.Life is not a bed of roses,my dear.Sadness and trouble may locked our soul,feeling as if we're not leading this so called life.I wish to make the sad faces lits with colours and a bright emotion on it.Stay your faith,no matter how hard this journey is,no matter what obstacle are facing us like a big stone rolling just inches of us.Be strong.

unchased dream.

Cool ,hmm i love to do that someday.

Breathe.

Finally,all those thing that stuck in my mind burned to ashes.I learn something and treasured in myself,just vomit the words ,that disturbing thing that stuck in my mind,and let it out ,just let they know even if it's hurtful,you're being ackwardly honest,and that's a key to get out from confuseness,a key to get out from this damn cage.I can't believe i actually believe my own friend had enganged,and i can't believe my PMS betrayed me and think dump stuff.Your loosen my sanity,dear PMS btch.

I asked my mother,she deserves to know about my plan.With a stuck voices,I confessed my desire.She scolded angrily to me,with a wide eyes,and deniable voices.I expected this.
I can't have my own wings,i'm trapped with her invincible fences.Seeing people going all over the world,with a happy emotion in their.I'm just stuck.

Get over it,my ears or my eyes can't hold anymore for the Twilightfangirl who screams for Edward or Jacob like a machine or just a thriller character that chased by a psychopath killer.You should enjoy more the movie or the arts of the literature in it,girls.No offensive,i'm just saying.



Paolo Nutini,singer-songwriter.I can't get my eyes on him when his music video Last Request,and his voice,so mesmerizing.Now i am being fangirl now.

Give back my sanity.

I felt like drowning myself now,or just knocking my head on the floor,to end this confuseness,to end this massive in my head as if I was in a circle of those policemen that walk around the circle,asking for admitation by my guiltness.Everything odd,unexpected,unordinary possess my soul and mind.I need a key to get out from this cage,i need a clean,freedom air from a dark and trapped used air.I need a proof to end up my misery in this puzzle.

I'm so emo right now,with PMS i'm carrying around in this body.With a shocking fact,and a unconformation invitation.I can't rest my case,nor even closed my eye,if i close it i will dream what i am having now.The confuseness,and i woke up feeling stress and disoriented,can't accept that fact ,that i had to carry those like a heavy crachet that can never broke,nor seal.

Give back my sanity.

Sleeping beauty.

I tried to dream today,i somehow force myself to stop the energy flow in this body,this head drown in unconsciousness.My soul been take from my body temporary,like he said.I failed again somehow.No dream,no illusion,nothing.Ahh where that pretty boys that i had in my dream long,long ago.Where I sat in a green pavement,with the wind brushing my hair,and there he go,so vivid and real.I woke up feeling frustrated,my hope just die.I'm being lunatic again.


He who said the phrase,that any boys or man wouldnt say that to me.My first ever phrase,i was speechless .Eventhough I can sense it from the start.Hmm,i don't want to faint your heart because you're being too nice to me more like my brother or a friend.This heart doesnt beat too long,i guess no one to beat it back somehow.But just watch and see,how far this will go on,it just fate can tell the ending.So chill out :)
He is like an open book,who freely gave his knowleadge to me , his words stung me and opened my eyes for the first time."Life is simple" is what he said ,just follow the simple rules and we'll be at the heaven.


I keep lefting my prayers lately,and doing back my habit again.This devilish voices somehow whisper to me and posses me ,slowly rotten me like i'm an orange that's got rotten little by little by bacteria that spreading it's illness.
Dear God,please washes my ugly sides that somehow will conquer and contage me.