Gloria~

Once again,this woman makes me stand on my own feet for my upcoming PMR.

I smiled faintly to this person,who had appeared in my life,giving her strength.Even if my heart ached,separated in a junction,where we go to our own path,stepping slowly to the every square as if we're walking in those checkered floor at any shopping mall,chasing the drop of time to our own future.

I can't sigh nor cried,smoldering myself of my own sorrow.Even if i'm alone and confused,i must step with my own feet,feel the earth ground.Even if this life is uncomplete puzzle,where i just search like a brainless mice in a complicated maze.Find my own wings ,or invincible,even if it's not realistic,the wings for my own freedom.

devastating

In a calm night,hearing his voice,his shallow voice,his deep chuckled,his calm humming,made me fall to deep sleep.Until i was drown in nightmares,blood all around the illusions,a pain death.As i ran to nowhere ,escaping to bright side,escaping and escaping.Until i woke up sweating,hearing the fierce thunder,don't know wether im still in the field of dream or in reality.I hugged myself in a dark room ,fearness entangled in my mind,gasping to breathe right air.

Urghh,i hate nightmares.

Baka.

Swearing at the laptop's monitor,the cheeky "Server Not Found" makes me slammed the Mcdonald's french fries,who the delivery-boy
trying to flirt,telling me im matured with my age on,and where studying whatsortever,with my small devilish mind speaks
"Take the damn money and get your ass out of here,you fucking fatty".Ahh,the cruelty and sadist sometimes played in my mind,with a mask and plastic smile thats covering them.
Fakeness,yes one piece from a hundred pieces of personality in me ,stick as if like a nail on everybody's finger,the tool for me to confront people.Smile,just smile even if my hearts
aches.

Baka.(stupid in japanese)

the connection is risen up my anger,missing out a precious conversation,missing out a talk from soul to soul,even if we're bound by an invicible wall,
Wait,this relationship,neither lover nor a typical friendship, middle i guess.No,it's not bothering me when others made false conclusion,perspectives on us.Because i have my own perspectives on how it works.
Coming from a rainy November,out of nowhere,He's like a person reflects my inner sef,mutuality i guess,he's just like my another self,that reflects towards the mirror.


Oh,another day,another steps towards the brick of boring days.The schooldays are inches above me.
Here comes another lonely schooldays,where i just doodled,staring at the textbook,talking with myself in my box of mind maybe with my imaginary friend,hoping for her to listen, in my own little world
.And all around me was strangers,talking crap with their typical minded.Envying the laughter around me that breaks my ear-amplifier.
And all my days ends with sigh,as i slammed myself on my bed ,trying to shout in the tiny room,but failed,even my voice wont come out from my throats,from empty hearts.

I really need a psychologist,im arguing with my inner self.


Maybe someone out there when they read this,the first thing when their mouth came out was "she's an emo".Think again,don't rushly mades assumption.
Imagine,that you were in my shoes,in my body,in my soul,in my own thoughts,in my own lack-of-strength.What do you feel?What your inner self tried to whisper to you?
Think again.

Deep,like Laila said :)

Rubbing my unopened eyelids, I can see
Into a pastel-patterned future
I’ll pursue an inlaid symbol
As my expression were pulled in closer

Say, what was it that I’ve been searching for?
That’s right, exactly when were those days
When we defied gravity to see each other / When we used to meet, denying the attraction that was forming between us?

It’s like a waltz, isn’t it? So wondrous
At a crossroad lit with sunbeams seeming to whisper through the trees
As the two of us rotate as if in a waltz,
We express ourselves

Throwing up all my overheated emotions,
I could see the landscape
Over half a year ago, I made it smolder
By setting the image on fire

What was it that I’ve lost?
Even so, I’m fine, I tell you
We’ll probably seek out comparisons with our gravity

It’s like a waltz, isn’t it? So lovely
As we listen to chirps that seem to murmur
As if we’re dancing a waltz, the two of us
Express ourselves

Ah, repaint reality, which is playing dumb, with primary colors
I’ll draw you close to me, so, please
From there on, let’s continue to dance
Our very own waltz

It’s like a waltz, isn’t it? So wondrous
At a crossroad lit with sunbeams seeming to whisper through the trees
As the two of us rotate as if in a waltz,
We express ourselves

This song,engtangling my ear over a week now,the dreamy feeling,the searching feeling embrace my mind.Ahh,nostalgic.

Mutual.

"No,please don't go away from my life,you're my drugs to cure this broken soul"

This phrase echoing in my mind,tightened my grip and closed my eyes.Somehow he's the reason i lived,I started to learn to step with my own feet in this real world.He makes me alive,existed,subsist,breath.

I open my eyelid and s sighed , after looking at the unreply message,waiting and waiting like a doll waiting in a toys shoppe,waiting for her owner to pick her up to their new home,.Is his heart ached because of my true feeling to him?Is my words distracted his mind and left him with a great dissapoint lingering around his soul?
I'm not rejecting him,or threw what he felt as if a bunch of expired cake into a dustbin full of rubbish.This kind of person,appeared in my life just once ,there will never a single human who have thoughts like a deep ocean like him,and a words that risen up my courageness,to live again and walk this chaotic life.

Crossing boundaries.

I really wanted to run from this family,this place.This world that my soul have placed in a ordinary looking girl body.Placed in this chaotic family,who argued about finance and bills,hardly even recognized my existence,my desire.I'm like living in a box,im trapped in the middle of sounds and fury.

Ahh,what am i chasing?All the unsure,the invincible arrow?That future canvas,i hoped to see it,with a curved smile on my face,seeing with my own eyes,my own happy ending.And through those sigh and lies within myself in a sacket ,a huge sacket that i carried too far,until my legs dropped on the dirty soil on a rowdy road.

I wish i can scream my hearts out just like when i used to feel the adrenaline when riding the rollercoaster like last week.My mind is pretty messed up right now.

doubt.

Lying on a carpet in front of the un-off tv,playing a random advertisement.I lay helplessly on a green carpet,with no one in the house in the wet ,cloudy evening.Her voice with guilt saying apology,calling me while i was still in a dreamless dream,my mind still suffocating back then.
I just replied with a glad but weak voice.Just erased your guilt,no our guilt, and just bury it.
And she said she was dreaming of my last breath in this world,and she woke up crying.
Do we have a sixth sense,or soul connection,Aida?haha XD

My dissapoinment increased like a lava going up to the highest level of volcano,after knowing i have to stuck in a 3 wholesome family holiday.And erased the long-planned comicfiesta where i can see cosplayers lingering around the hall,and a jpop song that run through my ear amplify.Ahh,that scene locked in my mind.But it all turns to dust,when i heard the rejection by the queen of family.

suffocating.

Throw all your blames on me,I accepted better than not knowing what you keep marinade in your heart.I'm like an annoying mosquitos that buzzing near your ears,you should slap me alive instantly.I dont have to even existed your life,maybe.I'm a bother to you.I just wanted to be with you,sincerely ,with my heart singing to it's pride to even sat beside you,and see your curved smile and your bright laughter.
Maybe i demand and depend on you too much that it troubles you.

If only i can tore this ignorance feeling in myself,and killed it alive with a sharp knife in my hand stabbing to it's last breath.I should go back to Melaka,with no one d to even speak with,spending my time in that dull spacious room,laying on the bed while staring on that dull ceiling,just like myself.


Shut.

Drive me to the pillow.

With my half-closed eyes,no electricity in my veins,and air-mind.I still wrote this somehow with my mind staring at the place where i drown my energy with the comfy pillow,whenever i put my head on it,and just bring my soul into the dream.

Where i was enjoying my food,my dinner with my family,enjoy the last bite of the Nando's chicken that melts my saliva away with their ingredient spices.Unknown number said hye to me,and when i realised who it is,i harshly said "bye" without a greeting on it.Am i harsh or too ignorance?or i'm just freaking not interested in boys with a typical mind that hunger for attention and compliments.I always glance them with a cold stares,with a despise feeling and whisper to myself "typical" in such way,or is it i ran away from this love/crush feeling because it's too heavy for me to hold,to heavy for me to carried this big crechet and somehow can faint every pieces of my heart.I'm clueless.


Ahh,i should do some exercises that can eventually will rush back my adrenaline,my sweat,the oxygen that makes my head feel energetic and powerful in some way,to bring back my rush-self,to make me alive again compare to this lifeless person that i lie my soul in it.

crush over a picture.

I smiled furiously ,to this young guy but had an old soul,closed-eyed singing with such passion with guitar on his knees.He's nothing special when you look at this broke musician,that performing local shows with just a jeans and a tshirt and a messy hair like he's just woke up from bed.Still,his voice that sounds like he got a sore throat,and a wondering lyrics that he gets maybe from strolling around a streets observing people's act,though sometimes he just crapping in his lyrics,and chuckled with his scottish accent and smoke his last cigarette,showing how much calm person he is.Why,why i eager to this kind of person again to straightly said "it's alright',with a calm voice,patting me to make me feel good after i cried sobbingly.

Get over it,Khairunnisa..geez.

Apology.

I just made someone cursing over my inbox message,i can see his anger.And i actually didnt realize it.I'm deeply sorry,i'm just a weak human that make mistakes hoping that this two words would change his anger and hateful towards me.As a friend,i admit my mistakes.
I'm sorry.

million faces.

I finally seen the world after a week being a hikikimori,with my lenses,a long sleeve hoody,a jeans,a sneaker,and my lucky charm necklace that has a K wood's carve.Step onto the simen ground,flared my nostrils to breathe the fresh morning air,and smiling over myself to the sunlight that shone over my hair.

heading toward's old friend's place that have lost contact almost 1 year.Ackwardness and silenceness surround myself as if this person is a stranger to me who i found in the middle of a streets,i must don't have a face because for a sudden shamelessly asked to go together.I hope she didnt mind my ignorance.

These faces i'm meeting that have registered in my crowded brain since i was primary school.I'm just a bit lost in this social gathering,with aida's absentness,she's like my lucky charm that strenghten my confidence.And of course those taking picture time is a must.I just look pale and colorless in my picture ,and if i smile hard these fluffy cheeks will risen up like a chubby-kid smiling furiously over a Bigmac.

We talk a lot and gossip haha.she still her old self not a bit change though i did think she change a bit but my thoughts have made a false conclusion.She tells other's life,that leading a luxurious and easy life,they didnt do anything really just borned into a rich mom's womb,and demand so much.I just silently envy having whatever they want with just a blink of an eye,still they argue with their parents though eventhough their parents poured so much love into them.Just imagine you were in my shoes,parents didnt actually care,sweating and crave for the thing i want,friendless in my life and having people's acceptance.There's more ahead.


This person,confessing her life that bothering her,felt like she should end it.Seeing her eyes like i've just seen a clear glasses,i understand her,felt like i was in her shoe.Life is not a bed of roses,my dear.Sadness and trouble may locked our soul,feeling as if we're not leading this so called life.I wish to make the sad faces lits with colours and a bright emotion on it.Stay your faith,no matter how hard this journey is,no matter what obstacle are facing us like a big stone rolling just inches of us.Be strong.

unchased dream.

Cool ,hmm i love to do that someday.

Breathe.

Finally,all those thing that stuck in my mind burned to ashes.I learn something and treasured in myself,just vomit the words ,that disturbing thing that stuck in my mind,and let it out ,just let they know even if it's hurtful,you're being ackwardly honest,and that's a key to get out from confuseness,a key to get out from this damn cage.I can't believe i actually believe my own friend had enganged,and i can't believe my PMS betrayed me and think dump stuff.Your loosen my sanity,dear PMS btch.

I asked my mother,she deserves to know about my plan.With a stuck voices,I confessed my desire.She scolded angrily to me,with a wide eyes,and deniable voices.I expected this.
I can't have my own wings,i'm trapped with her invincible fences.Seeing people going all over the world,with a happy emotion in their.I'm just stuck.

Get over it,my ears or my eyes can't hold anymore for the Twilightfangirl who screams for Edward or Jacob like a machine or just a thriller character that chased by a psychopath killer.You should enjoy more the movie or the arts of the literature in it,girls.No offensive,i'm just saying.



Paolo Nutini,singer-songwriter.I can't get my eyes on him when his music video Last Request,and his voice,so mesmerizing.Now i am being fangirl now.

Give back my sanity.

I felt like drowning myself now,or just knocking my head on the floor,to end this confuseness,to end this massive in my head as if I was in a circle of those policemen that walk around the circle,asking for admitation by my guiltness.Everything odd,unexpected,unordinary possess my soul and mind.I need a key to get out from this cage,i need a clean,freedom air from a dark and trapped used air.I need a proof to end up my misery in this puzzle.

I'm so emo right now,with PMS i'm carrying around in this body.With a shocking fact,and a unconformation invitation.I can't rest my case,nor even closed my eye,if i close it i will dream what i am having now.The confuseness,and i woke up feeling stress and disoriented,can't accept that fact ,that i had to carry those like a heavy crachet that can never broke,nor seal.

Give back my sanity.

Sleeping beauty.

I tried to dream today,i somehow force myself to stop the energy flow in this body,this head drown in unconsciousness.My soul been take from my body temporary,like he said.I failed again somehow.No dream,no illusion,nothing.Ahh where that pretty boys that i had in my dream long,long ago.Where I sat in a green pavement,with the wind brushing my hair,and there he go,so vivid and real.I woke up feeling frustrated,my hope just die.I'm being lunatic again.


He who said the phrase,that any boys or man wouldnt say that to me.My first ever phrase,i was speechless .Eventhough I can sense it from the start.Hmm,i don't want to faint your heart because you're being too nice to me more like my brother or a friend.This heart doesnt beat too long,i guess no one to beat it back somehow.But just watch and see,how far this will go on,it just fate can tell the ending.So chill out :)
He is like an open book,who freely gave his knowleadge to me , his words stung me and opened my eyes for the first time."Life is simple" is what he said ,just follow the simple rules and we'll be at the heaven.


I keep lefting my prayers lately,and doing back my habit again.This devilish voices somehow whisper to me and posses me ,slowly rotten me like i'm an orange that's got rotten little by little by bacteria that spreading it's illness.
Dear God,please washes my ugly sides that somehow will conquer and contage me.

wondrous.

"Dan bila kau tiba aku hilang dari kewujudan/And when you appeared,i lost my existence"

The words lingered in mind,,lefting me wondering ,i do have this kind of feeling but to whom?
My days passed lifelessly.Wihout much livedly i undulge myself in my dreamless sleep,where i just lay like a corpse.I'm at the place i'm forced to live in,it's like a faint and lifeless feeling whenever i set my foot on this place,it's like i've been cursed or something.Not to mention,i have to lived 13 months more in this place.

I was at the back at my mom's car,she talked about college and finance with my brother.Like always,i'm not my parent's first priority.I was gazing to the village scene outside the window while listening to an acoustic music,with my heavy eyelids.Wondering something that crossed my imagination line.

I'm freakingly lifeless.

re-lived.

I'm reading again a psychological type of manga,with many tabs rowed in the browser of the internet-window,6.12 am.Oh where's the takbir raya?i havent hear it yet.
I stalked many people in nets,trying to look beautiful at once picture,hmm a typical teenage who just want to get noticed i thought.What do they get in return anyway,how boring.I don't have a clue why,i want to bury a feeling that is something not-common,unique or just extraordinary.

I watched 2012,with a shivering emotion,tighten my grip to handle my fearness,with a teary eyes.I'm afraid of the end,the sins that i commited so far,the separation from the love ones.The individuality to confront God,the judgment on our akidah,the souls that separated away from the body.It quivering me,even if i scream it echoes back somehow.

This person that appeared firstly on my notification on the worldwide social web,facebook.Woke me from blindness,i have realized a bit from feeling faithless over bunch of pretty and rich human that's totally opposite from me,realized me on how to be free from the sighing soul,on how to lived a life.

I hope there's still faith in me,to continue walk on this road,to find a way out from this maze,Insya-allah.

propaganda .

I just went to movie today with my eyes that didnt rest and my body that can carried a little energy.I went anyhow just to see the hottest vampire movie.I can already senses a fangirlism aura around me on the the ticket counter that runs out ticket quickly for that movie.We made it to buy somehow,but have to crammed our neck in the second row.The fangirlism aura increased when the hero appeared,they giggle and whooing silently with their peers.Heh.

Seriously,i don't favour it much ,i think Vampire Diaries and Trueblood is much better,more aggresive some way,this is too romantic ,i don't think it suites me.I mean,it's a vampire movie but there's no bite scene.I have been a vampire lover since i was standard 6 when these vampire-Edward thing didnt even existed.Bite scences is a must for a vampire story,even in a manga there's at least once,oh come on.I think the book was much better and somehow i love when the starting of that movie.The Shakespeare's quote.I always wanted Julian Casablancas to be a vampire,but he's kinda stoned,but why not?

breaking the boredom.

I hadnt laughed out loud for a while,talked with real human besides my family for a while.The people that wouldnt gets on my nerves,they are much likeably my old friend.
I had the rarest feeling since Jun,the fun,the loud laugh,the easiness.Eventhough it lasts for a while,i have to go to the unfamilliar place,sosial,people and society all this 4 months.Still,it was all momentary.I was touched,grateful that still there's a people who still appreciated me even i'm gone.Thank you human .
















The karouke's.Akma took this without my knowledge,i'm not ready,i was luaghing hard =.= and found that i was on her myspace,ouhh i look hyper and dumb and chubby.I guess i drink a lot of carbonated drink lately,that risen up my adrenaline.I was choosing Seventh Heaven song and it's in kanji =.=,damn.
Still,i hadnt laugh like this,seriously.Somehow,all my uneasiness had flushed away.Pic;Laila and Akma.

mercy.

Phrases after phrases,words after words.
His words in my inbox shred me to tears when i flashed back ,when i felt that i'm like invicible.When i called Aida on midnight,crying over on the phone,when i was isolated and alone while seeing other laughed their self out.I admit it,i hate to be alone back then,to be stared by others like i was just an alien and heard they talking back at me.It strucked my mind back,and left me to tears.

I just found out i got 45 for Math,it was empty like an empty present box,expecting to be like something but empty.Ahhh,who am i to be blamed?

Phrases,

The storm growling in these massive area full with trees swirling and wild winds come from the sea right above my house.The weather turns grey and cold,and the night time turns ackwardly cold and as quiet as a grave,maybe there's many trees surrounding my houses,it's so different than the city.

I'm still sitting in front of the computer,hoping my computer didnt shut down because of the strikes.Playing Romance De Amour in a rainy days,i can't describe it with words how i felt,it's absorbing my sanity at the same time i felt i'm alive.Really i can feel the attachment,though i only can play the part 1.Suprised how the original creator of this piece remain mysteries,he/she must have an enermous talent that can absorbs anyone's soul by just listening to it.I guess this is called an art.

I'm suprised there's actually someone who thinks me with no such word can describe me.I don't know myself either which words could describe me.Well,for most surely i hate to be a center of attraction.Hmmmm.

Random.

Enthusiasted with someone that are much likeably way older than me,his knowledge and perspectives about life impressed me.I don't know which part of me interesting that someone age like him would even said to me.But this is indeed interesting,i've never seen some adults are trying wasting his time on a 14 year old girl that has nothing to do on her holiday school.
But i indeed admire him.For the first time i thought that i'm not the only one who think too much on life.Ughh,am i too young for my totally complex thinking?

Seeing others who just my age.I don't even understand myself.I always speaks to myself "Live your life",but how ,when,where,why or other consequences.To able to breathe freely while spreading my two arm in a high place,seeing the nature's beauty God's created,or some other thing that i can;t even had a chance to do in my entire life.Rather than just clinging myself into streotypes and to be noticed,I wont let my time waste like un-closed tap water pouring,aint I?

Move on,
I spend the cold night with Ili , my lost-long friend that i usually hung out to.She haven't change,the way she talked nor her usual self.We mostly talked about us and us,and people that change when the time flew unknowing us.Ah,i wish to meet her face the face that i recognized well.But we're only connected by our 21st century super convenient tools,the phone.

Wish for your bestest in your SPM tomorrow ,Stranger.Pray for God as He is the creator and the most intelligence and i'll be here if you need a human to talk.And don't ill-fated your faithness,please.

Carbonara pasta.

Holding a glass of hot milk tea,sipping my mouth into it to taste the warm of it.The weather is very gloom this days,even yesterday,and maybe tomorrow.What a cold weather that chilling my bones,i didnt even bathing yet because of the coldness.

I've been a Hikikomori these past 3 days,i barely go out or talk to people.I'm just locking myself away in my room and spending 80% on the computer.I didnt even go to school,just not felt like it.Ahh there's no one that i could talk to there anyway.

I missed talking and laughing with my friend,i rarely do that since i moved ,i even hardly curved a smile.Holiday are just going to start,why do i felt isolated?I must laughed my hearts out while the new semester starting and going to face the damn year of PMR.

miscellaneous

Chewing chewing and chewing.
Candies and chocolate laid in the desk with random stuff.I'm trying to fill my empty stomach with just of these.Dinner that my maid make is just unappetizing,i missed my mother's cooking.But she rarely cook because busy with her work.I didnt even see her face today.

Boredom killed me.I didnt go to school today,and i slept whole day and dreamt weird and scary stuff.Ended woke up sweating.
I indeed miss Aida,i dont know why,our distance seems so far away and we less talk and meet.I guess im being too dependable on her.

I lost my guitar pick again,i wonder how many did i lost it.I can't play guitar until i have back my guitar pick and my nails arent too long.
I have no idea what to do.I'm trying to avoiding someone right now in facebook.I'm not on the verge to have contact with him.Urghh scary.

planning.

It's 8 am in this small terrace house in the middle of a massive town.Ackwardly,there's no some kind of army jogging or the sound of wind around like when my other house used to.It expresses how much difference it seems.And i realized i miss the situation now,the situation where my late granny would wake me up for Subuh prayers.And one day,her voice just vanished like dust been whooshed by a wind.It stung my heart away remembering that.
May Allah bless her soul.

Move on to the bright side.I dont want to shred tears.

I've been thinking on what i should do this holiday,im not gonna pouring all those precious time that comes once a year should i?so yeah i will try asking my mom for class guitar,i know i can play already but i need to expand my skill.I havent even know how to play solo proper way,and i admit that i can't read tabs and notes.I only used chord and tutorial in youtube up until now.

And i will cover a song Happy Birthday To you you for Aida,im hope with full enthusiasm that she will like it.And im trying hard on the solo too,though im not actually good at it,my brother only good at it .I'm so envying him.
Aida have been to Melaka and im the opposite.Huuuh,ive been missing her presence like almost months.Thought of going out with my friends,but they all seems busy.

I want my long hair back.

I'm so freakingly dumb.

HAPPY 14 TH BIRTHDAY, AIDA!

Great guiltyness strikes me as i review blog of my most caring friend i ever had.Im stunned,and i keep blaming myself how ignorant i am.Her birthday is almost 2 days ago,and i didnt even wish her anything.Oh my god.I dont deserve to be her best friend,even i didnt wish her yet.I'm seriously sorry.I'm sorry if you hate me,exams realy play my nerves.And the distance between us is hundreds kilometre away that separate us;sigh.I'm so sorry.Can i get you something?Please tell me if you need one.I will put effort to get it even how much my stomach can tied so that i could save some money.
And again,thank you for this almost 5 years of friendship.This is the best give God have creates.

Oh,and good luck stranger for your SPM.Life must go on,and just let the boat of life sail you.I know you can do it!Ganbatte !

Over for good.

"10 minit lagi!"

I sang happily in my heart,gloria is mine and only mine.I can let my hair down until next year.
No more eyebags because of studying.Suprisingly,the exams is not that hard,except for Math,maybe i failed it.
I get 87 for English.I nearly cried when teacher ask me "what happen to your mark?",I thought i was going to get 5/40 or something,but she vividly joked.But still,i target 90 though.

I will move school next year with full of strangers again,it was a small school consist of many army's child.It's just freakin same,no difference.Ughh,if it's not because of my dad's occupation,I just live rigidly in Kj,and not even bother about how i face society like this.
Thank you for my suffering for this several month.But still,i'll be leaving my friends who just i knew,well they did help me even if it's little,i do appreciate them ,even how aint good them for me.

Time is running out.

Time is running out like,running out like my siblings chasing after a pack of hersheys chocolate,
I stare at my Geography reference book,that just lay on the massive table just right beside me.
With just a a Reinventing Your Exit acoustic and air-cond tune that i could hear right now.

Ahh,i can feel deep in my hearts core ,the feeling of freedom after the exam,with no literal problems that seems dampening me on my mind
But when i open my eyes back,im facing with books and scattered stationery here and there

I can't seems to study well,im the type of person who only study at school,but with that damn school im sitting i can;t focus,first the teacher,they dont exactly teach,and the students,they are so so hopeless.They seems to make noise of their damn minded.
And im only study like 40% and the judgement day is the day after tomorrow.

gonna make it short for now.

Exams start tomorrow,
to be honest,im not entirely ready.
erghhh.
my head whirling like a mosquito that trying to find the way exit in my crowded brain.
im so clueless.
i still have times to re-watch again Goong
get ready for the falling grades i have to bear.

procantination.

I've been given a day-off today,i supposed to study for my 5 days more final exams.
And i didnt,i just can't study,im feeling soo blank.
So i just intended to ease my tension and on the computer,
and when i realised,it was 7 pm.
I'm so gonna die.

Please fasten the time.

Please,
please,
oh clock,tick faster,move faster.
I can't wait to smell the freedom of holiday.
And the laughter i am with my friend at PJ ,
and how i can be myself again.

Please,please fasten the drop of time that remain slow to me.

It's like an unending maze,im searching and searching for the unexist,
You run and run vigorously but you go nowhere
You shouted for help,but it only echoes you back
Dropped of tears dripping like tap water,how many litre i shred,
How many sorrow that waves in myself?
I wish this feeling were never existed,that lingering on my soul
It taste like a deep deep pitch black ink,that you've forced to drink it,
Like a knife that could bleed you with just a touch,sunk deeply in your opened wound
It's like an eyes ,like an ocean ,so melancholic it faints your heart away.

I can't get rid of those feeling,these feeling of melancholic,i should stop this,i just hate myself for not being tough,im an emo retarded,i kno,just throw your blame on me,i'm a useless,im a useless child who don't deserve to be in your womb,i dont deserve to live at all.






I'm stupid.I'm just a nobody with an emo-shitlife and emo post.

Suddenly i see.

Piles and piles of exercise and reference book on my table,honestly i didnt know where the heck to start.I'm soo gonna insane,i just can't wait to be free from exam and i will not go to school straight after that,like heck i care.

I'm just gonna study what i can and i don't care anymore after that.I don't care the results and so on.I'm just doing what i can.
Indeed,the forceness of me to accept that kind of words to ease myself are so showed up,ain't i?
Yeah,i know,say whatever you want.

I indeed feeling a bit calm,after those long talk with her.I just have to be grateful ,at least there's one or two person that totally understand me.Yes,i have to open my eyes and just accept thing,and pray to god.
He's just all the mighty.

It's not you,it's not me.

I'm tired of this,i'm tired of feeling numb again and again.

I speak in my mind,closing my eyes ,tried to hold the tears from welling up.My friend just a desk before me,chattering and talking.Unknowingly realized me,i took a pen and a blank paper and vomited my emotion on it.I scratched it,scratched vigorously,and tore them to pieces helplessly.
I felt helpless.


All those stares and judges that the foolish people have ever existed squeezing me ,tore me into pieces.Is it not enough with my life that's torturing,why are you adding the flavour?!Please leave me alone.I'm just sick of you talking back at me,cursing me on my artbook.Don't you had enough torturing me with you're rubbish society.What a low-minded you ever have.Isnt it not enough that my mom force me to adapted this kind of place ,this kind of society.I didnt ever disturb you;re freaking life.Please leave me fucking alone.

God,if i known this ,i wish i've never been born at all.I always escaped from reality by sleeping,it makes me calm.But little did i know,it have been better if i never woke up ,just drown into those dreamy dream and after the lullaby sang.And had never woke to face those people,those tiring unsincere days.Never felt faithless and lost under the surface.

omgeeee ~

Found him in a bunch of manga in my messy shoujo bookshelf.What a tempting.

owh sweet sweet exams =.=

The greatest bom atom Hiroshima is hitting with tension wildly,confused,and disoriented.Final exams coming like 2 weeks more.I bearly didnt know anything,as the noise in the class that's driving the wrong attention instead of the teacher,the great sleepiness i hardly bear, and the feeling of reject for focusing really make my interest go dim.

I hardly recognize im actually wake nowadays,i slept a lot and found myself woke up at 4 am.But somehow,the tempting of the computer and the guitar educe me out.

My actual close friend at school,keep telling me how strange i am compare to the people in this place,this school.She said they are typical,caring their beauty and gossiping.I rather sat in my place,think deeply alone and imagining than join them with their non-upgrading minded,and so i thought.
And also,i didnt understand the stares that he gave me everytime we bump each other,he's just a typical playboy that seeks for lust that is all.

I miss Aida,her cheer laugh and smile that makes my day,the courage that always make me think rasionally.I wonder,in the next 10 years or so ,would we still in this current relationship?I'm not doubting her,but times change us all.

Huuhh-,if this entry column really alive,it must be tired of me whining over 150 post.Those entry i made,most of them are unhappy.I cant go out from that cage,that nest that trapped me down,yes reality sometimes can be tiring.Will there be any of the opposite one of it,someday,somehow?

hmm,what a punishment.

"No internet after midnight!".

She slamed the door hard letting me stoned and numb staring the checkered floor and sighed deeply.She choose the stern action over me.Jeez.

And so i've been cared with full discipline because of my no-sleep-onlining amnesia.I dont like to be control though.But wht else cn i do?

Going to school with typical mood,and typical situation ,and typical people.My friend for a sudden storied about death and world ends,and it totally make my hair stand.Frankly,i dont want to die.
Even if i hate my reality,i dont want to feel the painful of the separating soul and body,and have to go through all alone.And the punishment for the sin that i have done.I cnt let go my enermous fear of it.



:] cool.

street performance

YUI-街頭演唱Feel My Soul @ Yahoo! Video

YUI-街頭演唱Free Bird @ Yahoo! Video

I'm wondering where could i perform on street around PJ/KL,i really want to try though.

hmmmm.

I dnt know why lately,people came to me and tell their problem.I dont mind instead im glad to be a listener.I guess that's why i'm interested to be a psychologist.
Nothing much story,went to Aida's place playing her old toys,Barbie.Haha.Went dinner ,i cant believe i ate a lot.

picpicpic.

sorry not mch light.well well,this is the handsome figure i owned.

we all die anyway.

"Therefore glory be to Him in Whose hand is the kingdom of all things, and to Him you shall be brought back."

-Surah Al-Yasin.

Life for rent.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Covering myself with a blanket,turn off my air-cond,set the fan to the lowest temperature.
Still,i shivered,hair on my body stand,my voices crack a bit.


With my pajama that have been presented by my late grandmother,i slept all day.
And so i thought that i hate fever yet i love it because i can take a day off from school and the best reason that have existed.


I've been opened a crevices,secret,shames that has existed in myself to several people.
How i can't let go from that enticement that i inhabit.
I should stop,i just know how sinful the act that luring human being to do it.

And sometimes i listen to the evil side instead of the angel's that as if arguing the both sides of my head.Whispering me again and again.

__________________________

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try

mingled.

Coghing,spin my head again and again.
For a sudden a headache and tonsel struck me,as if a candy stuck in my throat,my head spinning ;bizarre.
this is my fault either,staying up late until i was known that i hadnt get a sleep at all and ended up sleeping at geo's.
Finals's in three weeks.A hole chapter for form 1 and 2 for Geo and Sejarah to conquer;head falls knocking the keyboard.

---------------------------
Smell of pine wood,the body's shiny reflects of my pendaflour lamp ,6 string on the body.
Ahh,the greatness feeling receiving new boyfriend,new playmate;new Guitar.
I'm still getting used to it though the fret and string is kinda deep,i just found out that my old guitar is classical 8D.

i'll post the pic later,sorry aida !X)



Vampire Knight's.

upcoming --

I'm surely gonna attend for this.

Review from the past days.

I went out a lot recently and ended up not updating my blog.


I went out as usual best-friend-outing kind of stuff,there's a technical error made by fcking TGV,and Aida have to pay twice because she dnt want to refund because of some reason,you know the underage-not-trustful kind of stuff.

Last Thursday,
I can't believe myself either,i travelled from my house to Town Melaka that needs 1 hour to reach with only a taxi that happened to share with some bangla because it's cheap,i know some of you must say i'm too daring ,and an old rusty and shaking bus.But i've been lectured by my mom later on by how dangerous it could be with just me and my friend.

If only things could get easier if
All those common feelings would
Fade to nothing all the more by saying nothing

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
Lies and sighs, so many that I can't support them?

-Split

ragged.

I missed Math today because of some speeches about some sex education because i heard someone's from form 1 caught kissing in school,pffft school have to take action i guess.
And teacher showed us some pictures of baby thrown in the toilet with blood's all over.What a sinful parent,i hope there will be no space in heaven for them.
Masya-Allah!

Just another typical day,Nabilah didnt came and her openhouse extend to next week.My classmate asked me to go to Mahkota Parade this PMR holiday,i guess i will go because i want to watch Tsunami.

Till then.

Pessismistic.

Humming,tapping,playing with my hair just to entertain my bored 2 am self.
My mom's loud voice and my brother's chatter died away into the silent of night.

Sitting in the corner of the room with laptops,the tick of sound echoes my ears amplifier.
Currently melting myself in my own reality,i swim into an ocean of fantasies,drooling myself over unrealistic bishies with an earphone with Yuna's Backpacking Around Europe in a full volume,humming together with guitar on my knees.
Typical me.

Rolled myself with my comfortable red-bearprinted IKEA's blanket that i always dreamed at science class,and laughed myself alone with no reason.I always did that , i wonder why .

Normal typical school days,
Fatin and Nabilah seems nice to me eventhough they're not as fun as my old classmate.They're kinda matured and seems know what they do.And me,i'm opposite,i seems unaware by that because i dont know ,i can't be my true self?Maybe just maybe.
And tomorrow it's Nabila's openhouse,i helplessly can't say no,so like yeah i'll just go.

Aida's having trouble,if i'm able,i eager to help her.But what am i,i'm just a helpless human who can't do anything due to distance of venue.I just can say my apology.

Long good sleep.

Weekends.
I had a long good sleep and a whole night doing what i want.
I read the most cared,most trustful person's blog, given named by her mother when she's first came out from her mother's womb,Aida.I'm somewhat hurt seeing her unhappy and not being the usual happy go lucky with her animated laugh.And it disturbed me,so i phoned her,doing what i can.I hope she's doing well with her life.

My mom always complained living here,with a society that giving the first priorities for ranking in this soldiers housing area.My mom's personality much just like me.

So i have no interesting thing to vomit.I should stop here and doing my wanted by teacher's homework.

Blood related?

My mom just said i inherited from my late grandfather,who is kind of artistic person.He played an organ and plays several old malay drama.I never knew that.
Nothing much happen,i went out again today with my family.I called Aidil,i missed her damn much.I dont know why someone told me she's change,to me she's the same person i knew.

I dont understand woth myself lately.I confused and lonely.I always want to experience new and not something ordinary.And i hate myself who always daydreamed and get nothing out of it.

Ridiculous thought.

I stare at the guitar that stood still at the corner of the room,
How does it like to be tht object?
Being played and displayed,
Produces beautiful sound.

Dear mrs.black brown guitar,
I wish you can speak to me and being my trusted friend,
who can love me and always paying attention to me,
who tenders me.

Please speak to me.

An Art again.

Life's like a manga,

Have you ever wants to be in a manga or a story where you being as a main character?.Eventhough how much personality you have,even you're not special,you happened to be in a scene.
That's what i thought this whole time,imagining and imagining many things even it's worthless.

I went out with my family,eating Mcd's.I n-e-e-d,i mean i really NEED to sharpen my skill , eventhough i have conquered the basic i have to train my fingers to higher level.
I'm being optimistic last night until i didnt get too much sleep playing Romance De Amour pieces.And i get to play it but only halfway of the song,it's so damn hard my fingers almost bleeding,i really need a vampire-bishies to lick it.Gaaah~

My mom reported to me,she got complained from others teacher that i daydreamed too much,i have blank expression,i'm totally bluur.Since my mom working on the same school,i have to endure it.It's simple,i dont have friends that's why i acted like that,it cant be helped,doesnt it?Besides,my imagination level is so high.

Otakus and cosplayer are so much differents huh?I mean the cosplayer are more happening than a normal otaku.Eventhough their interest is the same.Well,thts wht i thought.

I have no mood to do poetic-like post.Please bear with me.

Piece of art.

great pirce of art,i could cry hearing this .Full emotion and so deep.




Song;Romance De Amour,classical guitarist;Xue Fei Yang.Grr,thts why i want long fingernails.

It's a typical wednesday night,school was normal, I daydream like I always do.
My classmate starts pointing me i'm a weird,i dnt know why though.I see nothing wrong except for I eager to have an imaginary friend,beacause human cant be trusty.And they starts calling me Kai or sometimes Nisa.It's ackward beacause i always called Icha by my friend.
Got some new transfer student from KL , i can felt wht he felt.He must felt "Wht the heck i'm doing in this ridiculous place?",I know so well,culturalshock problem.Everythings different from a busy city to a quiet village area.

And i'm currently suffering from a friendless condition,as i say i have those couple or triple of friends,but i doubt them because of some identity reasons.
Final coming this November,better prepare myself.




Grrr,they're so pretty eventhough all of them guy.Cross-dressing,i must say.

i'm being an emo retarded again,Haaih.

Based on the 28th of September,yesterday .

Khairunnisa!Khairunnisa!
She shoted my full IC name while knocking my room door hardly.
I covered myself in blanket ignoring the urgeness,my tears streamed on my cheek vigorously.My teen angst poisoned me,filling myself with anger and deppression.

"I don't want to go up there and pretend,I hope the sea will come and sweep me away from here"

The lyrics of the Blue Sand by Yuna keep filling my air,blank headlefting me shivered with numbness.Trying to be optimistic to fight all the sadness,ager,melancholy that haunts me every single second .

My own fantasy,my own socialization,my own reality has taken away by my parents.Lefting me without anyone to confess except for this epistle of emotion with only ink and a blank white paper.

I want to smash that mirror,
That unspoken lies,
The cage that locked me without no compasion
Those feelings i scattered
Those continuosly sigh,
Those eyes like a deep ocean
Those memories that become dusty dust
I want to tore them up into pieces and let the wind vanished them in thin air.

Ah,what am i searching for?
As the goodbye words separate in a junction
As this reality bleed me and left the wound wide open
Life taste like inks.


-6 am in the morning.

arghhhh.

I can't , I can't ,I can't ,I can't,I can'......sleep.Arghhh!

I mumbled,messying my hair again and again,knocking myself on the desk.It's almost 5 am,and i have to wake like 6.30.I'm in deep sht !
I can't stop stalk him,I just can't.I'm arguing with myself for now and and he's feature is stuck in my head.Shit,deep deep sht.

My final is coming soon,and i can't stop my daydreaming,i can't stop indulging myself in fantasies.I can't stop this feeling who wants to break free that run through my body,that run through my head.This feeling of want to break free of this shell pressed me with great adrenaline.

School fcking gaay.

Numb.

I stare at the outside of the window's car,leaving behind a place with many memories.I felt a heavy in my chest as if i'm carrying an enermous rock that force me to carry it with no good reasons.
A numb feeling.The laughter last just for a while,it died away now.Lefting me behind with my helpless lonely condition.

Weird stare,gossips about me,hatred eyes everywhere,annoying teacher,hypocrite human,untouchable homework that has to finish in a night.
It all smashed right through me like a thunder that strikes in a heavy rain.Once again,i have to leave the temporary happiness and back to my own reality.

photo

What have i done?!!!

"Shoot."

Staring at the monitor with wide eyes,cheeks,ears,lips burned.Mouth wide opened with shockness.Flushed with regrets and embarasement.For once,i felt that internet is over-convenient that it ate me.I didnt have to be so eager ,i dont have to be daring,i dont have to be so stupid chasing after a temporary bishies anime.I dont have to be so obsessed after a creation named Tamaki.

I rolled myself ona green carpet,TV on.Messy-ing my hair,didnt know how to reply this first ever guy in my whole life who kissed me on my hand and knelt me in front of public.Who doesnt feel my kind of feeling especially for a naive,relationship-less,never touched a guy's hand purposely like me.It's not his fault seriously he's just doing his subject,i'm just having trouble with my double shyness towards bishies.
Okay forget about an ant problem like this.

I already said my apologies,nad i hope he didnt mind too much,thank goodness,he's pretty nice.

Banzai~

white guitar.

Grrreenggg!Grreenggg!

The sound of renovation making next house hurt my ears,i woke up feeling regret because i left my prayers.Checked my Nokia green handphone,and realized that Aida just texted me asking me to go out.
I prepared myself,went to her house with full of her beloved black cats.Pressing the bell button,and she appeared with her fresh looks realizing me came and her voice that i recognized so well.I just missed her.

We went to Sunway,the nearest mall,see people.I met my schoolmate,Sharul;my friend's boyfriend.At first i recognized him and just glance at him.I didnt think that he also recognized me.I doubt if i have to greet him or not.He called me,but he's to far away.And I just walk away.I felt guilty for doing that.I'm sorry,i didnt mean to be arrogant or what,i just dont know to greet you because i thought you didnt recognize me.Aidil,if you read this please tell him i'm damn sorry.

I met my classmate as well.I do greet her,in intention want to know the updates about class.But she ignore me.I felt insulted.I think this is the karma i accept after doing that to Sharul.

I hook some guitar in Guitar Collection.And i found one ,it's figure so handsome X).White and shinee.The cost is RM 148.I only got hundred at that time.Full of damness.It looks a lot like this.





Talk about guitar,he is such an envy to me.Grrrr.

Happy raya.

It is 5 am in the morning,a night before raya.It was dead silence now,i can only hear a tapping of water at the bathroom.Just about 3 hours ago,i can hear clearly the sound of fireworks booming and my cousins chatter in front of tv in this old house that stand over 20 years in a improved area in this place,whereas i borned named Kubang Kerian,Kelantan.

I supposed to post this 2 hours ago,but because of my brother purposely took a peek at the monitor and started to read it out loud in front of my cousin,and they laughed.They must thought that i'm so over-modern to make a blog.Ughh.Typical them.

Today,my parents have a big fight,it was started because of a non-logical reason.Adults cant make any senses sometimes.My father have a really bad mood,i can tell he cant stand my mom's order and speeches.And you dnt know,when he's a real bad mood,his attitude is rather strange.He leave my sister and my mom including me of course in a restaurant without transport.And we waited like half an hour until he came back.Not only that,he drive us to nowhere.At the same time,i desperately need to pee,and i was hell furious.I think my strangeness inherited from him.I can be worst than him,you know,like double worst.But he is still my dad.How much i annoyed by his act.

Case 2,i just cut my hair.And it didnt turned out what i expected.The haircutter is just too rush,fuck.I want my hair back.I look rather childish and fat.And i think my long hair is much artistic than it is now.Arghhh.I just love today.

Oh,i can hear very well the Takbir Raya near my village's mosque whereas beside my arwah grandmother grave's.Hmm,i'm wondering how my late grandmother go through her alam barzakh.This house really reminded me of her presence so much that i cried.Hmmm.

I need to sleep,or else i will be celebrating raya in bed.Happy raya for all the muslims.

Envy.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man thats gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces

I dont deserve this.

I phoned a human,a creature who the voice i can remember well,a scent i can remember well,a face i can remember well named Aida in a cracked voice.Letting my tears streamed on my cheek,vomited my packed emotions.

I told today's story to her.I've had enough with my classmate and teachers that pointing finger at me,that gave a weird stare at me,that whisper something to their peer while looking at me.I'm not blind,i can see very well in those eyes full of hatred to me,a fake expression on their face when they talked to me.


I'm trying to fight all the melancholy i went through everyday,every second.Just accepting God's test over me.I keep reminded myself in my crowded,full mind that i'm not the only one holding this kind of life,there's even more worst than this.

I do have friends just couple or triple,friends?i dnt know why i'm doubting that word towards them,.I keep minding my word,i keep secreting my true self just not to get hate anymore because i just have them to talked to in class.I'm not myself anymore,i'm not the loud and laughing-hard type of girl anymore.My life turned into obstacle.

Taylor Swift have the aura.

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

I love this song,i'm not much of Taylor Swift fan though,but i started to like her.She's different from any other artist.

Btw,sorry for always posting video,i dont really have story to tell anyway.

new vid again.

YUI-never say die



I really hope Sony didnt delete this.

ughh,he's just useless.

School's okay.Well,barely okay than have nothing to talked to.One of the girls in 7style,came to me and ask,can we friends?I said i dont mind.She tells all the unsatisfiedness about that ridiculous group.So she started to talk to me,and i said all my usatisfiedness about the class,and she agreed with me.I'm suprised,i thought all of them are kinda hypocrite.
But sometimes she and nabilah is overly overly good personality that sometimes i felt helpless.Huhh--

Well,i dont know about this but,some of the 7style started to respect me more.I dont care anymore wht they do or said,as long as it's not contain me in their subject.I'll just do my thing.

That guy,that i hated or liked .I dont even know. He's just some serious issue,perverted,gigolo btch.I just hate him.I heard from my classmate that he tried to touch a girl and in the end,he got suspended.Ridiculously stupid.But why do i keep that stupid feeling after all,i just have to continue hating him ,nee?
Today,he stared at me again weirdly as if he wanted to do something to me.I wouldnt ever and ever like him.SERIOUSLY,bitch.

later.

Yui-It's all too much English translation

The night is turning into a shade of cobalt
The chilly star studded sky is glimmering
There's no need for words of any sort

Rather than trying to uncover the truth concealed behind tears
I'm better off with baseless predictions
Sitting on the bench where the lights have already gone out
And gazing up
It was a shooting star with only idealities surfacing

Nee! Would someone enlighten me
If I were to live life as it is simply
I would gather all the miracles dispersed throughout the universe
And try overcoming them
All because these emotions which are pulsing throughout my body
Are dictating me
This wouldn't do
Am I right?

Being as decisive as cast dice
And not ever having regrets
I hope to move onward to the next destination
The rule book which was created uncertainly
Only timidity appeared later
I continue watching the backs of my rivals
That,
As naked as the moonlight
Was a shooting star which strayed from a pure heart

Nee! Would someone enlighten me
To live life as it is simply
Innocence does not suffice
You can't escape from conflicts too
Those lessons which I have learnt time after time
Are definitely dictating me
What should I do
It's a lie isn't it?

Simply daydreaming
Will not get me anywhere
It also can't make me more pleasant
I wonder why?

... It's all too much

Nee! Would someone enlighten me
In order to live life as it is simply
I want to change even the toughest obstacles facing me into something humorous
And then laugh it off
Because there is no way to resolve it
It is buried within everyday life

That is why I wish to believe
Miracles do exist don't they?
Am I right?

sociopath.

Amuse,annoyed,agry,stressed.
All inside me.

I was so amused by my classmate,they asked me to bring guitar whatever,And they totally acted they never seen one.I just hate them.
I even hate my teamgroup that handed all the group work to me.
I hate all the curious stare when they seen me,have i impregnant illegal child or wht?I never have a boyfriend in my entire life.
I hate these uncondition feeling over my past crush that i totally hate towards someone that is insanely not my type.
I hate my bunch of homework and folio that molested me with stress.
I hate my overly kind friend that always forbidden me to do wht i want in my life whenever i tell my stories.

I again feel like i want to dissapear in thin air .

YUI'S new image XD

OMG,YUI CUTTING HER HAIR !!!!!


Nooo!i thought that she will remain her long hair.* weeping*weeping*.Omg,she's so different.This make me want to cut my hair too.But i think i dont,because i love my hair so much.The first time i heard this,i was like okay typical song.But when i heard it twice i began to addicted to it,same for the lyrics.

Anyway,thanks for the stranger that not a stranger to me anymore though,for informing me about her update.Because i just cant watch her mv at all,because some stupid copyright.grrrr.

I will update my day tomorrow,because my mom forced me to sleep for some reason.

Arguing with the melancholic.

Damn,tomorrow's school.Up until now i cant adjust my sleep time.Insomniatic problems,please go away.

And again i have to face those days,arguing with the melancholic.I dnt wnt to show my typical mood that will upset my mother,she want me to be happy but i cant.I dont even have friends to talk to honestly in school.And i cant focused on my study,i dnt know why,especially science.I ended up sleeping from sleepless night.My typical behaviour,and soon or later i will be crying over my grades if i keep this on.

I keep and keep daydreaming,let myself indulge into those unfaithful fantasy.I keep reading shojou that's involves smut.Eventhough i hate it,it's not what reality should be though.There's no guy would love me as what i am and would sincerely lingered to my skin.Pathetic.The perfect words to describe me.

whoosh.

Sorry for not updating for this whole 3 days.

So again like always,i'm in my old house again.I just wasted my day that was actually spent for meeting friends or etc but i went to follow my sister and parents going Carefour and Mid Valley.I
regretted following my sister to her reunion,i thought we will watch some movies,but we didnt.She talked all the way,left me behind,bored and confused.It's not her fault anyway.

I didnt puasa today,period.But i was like one of them who puasa.Because the first thing i do when i woke up,i went to the fridge and there was nothing.I only ate biscuits and mineral water just to fill my stomach,i have to wait them open fast and that time only i can eat proper food.


Tomorrow i will go back and all.Somehow,i felt like trapped .Because all i can see is forest forest and forest.There's a few store,but only a few,i say.People there is soo unopen-minded at all,i'm not mocking them.But my teacher,my history teacher,too much philosophies.He says malay people nowaday immitate American too much;like wearing jeans and all.So what,are you expected us to wear baju kurung 24 hours.Shheesh.Even my mom and father wearing one.It's a universal pants,duhh.

I'm so sorry Aida,knowing that you're so bored at this free Saturday,i would have asked you to meet and spent time with me,but i didnt.

I've got many folios to settle before Raya came.And got this sivik presentation,we have to create our own country,own song,and all that.My teacher free willingly allowed students to brought any kind of music instrument.I dont know if i have to bring my guitar,because you know when i bring it,people there will throw many kinds of thoughts at me with my tudung image and all.And my ustaz said,music is haram in Islam,in many ways,including the instrument that involved using finger.I dont know where he get that from.But i think ,why not?It's not really sinful right?
So i decided not to bring it,they will act like they had never seen guitar before if i bring it.So we just sing the song with the no music like most people do.It's not our own anyway,i've got no inspiration to write about patriotic song.So i choose Here in My Home.

snapshot of memory, 28.8 .

Maggie Mee as my birthday cake XD,i look ugly,i know shut the hell up.



Shut up.I know i look horibbly ridiculous.I tried to do pout,but in the end i'm like mocking them who did it,pffft.

Bad bad day.

Nabilah didnt came today,so i didnt said a word in class.My misery increases.I guess that's my typical life.Dull.I've been scolded heavily by my parents about my lifeless conditionin the car earlier,i sweep my shreded tears secretly.They even said a word that stung my heart .I felt worse.How will i become happy?When all this time,they dragged me .For once,i felt like i want the ocean to sweep me away far ,far from here or just dissapeared,vanished in thin air.

I looked right,i looked left.Nobody noticed me,i'm like invicible in that class.In front of my desk row is a group of boys.They arent friendly and psycho much as my old classmate.I remember when in my old class,the boy sat in front of me imran and meor always asked correction tape like every 5 minutes.And Mimi who sat next to me who always patience with my sleepy mode.That scene almost make me cry in the middle of the class.I just stare outside the window with my blank watery eyes ,observing the cloud's colour while teacher teaching non stop in front of the class.

birthday at aida's

Well just check her ,
http://aidajaejoong.blogspot.com/

anyway,i cant sleep
and i have to wake up at 6.30 for school
ughh,this sucks.

Homework----

So,i have return to Melaka.I felt awful.I dont know why,i felt totally misery here.Maybe i used to stay PJ with lots of memories,and it's totally different here.I missed Aida teribbly,I nearly cried.Tomorrow start the school,it sucked my boredom.Huuuh--.And i bet i dont even have a human to talk to tomorrow.My homework still didnt finish.There's karangan that i have to hand up wednesday,and there's still Math and Agama.I sneak time to read the one's update.

Yesterday,i went out with Aida and her sister.We watched Orphan.Though it's 18 pl,we just cheat our age.We act 4 years matured.Haha,that's the first time i do something that's breaking the law.
What a day.

I just post something that really2 puisi kind of thing.And it's in BM.Yeah.Just try something new.
I gotta ,you know.Schools are killing me.

Bahasa Melayu penuh.

Jam berdetik-detik menggegar gegendang teligaku,kakakku tidak berhenti bercakap tentang pengakhiran dengan so called kekasihnya dengan kawannya di telefon bimbitnya.Gitar coklatku tersegam indah di penjuru dinding dengan terselitnya pick berwarna merah jambu.

Aku hanya memikirkan hidupku.Sambil mendengar bunyi air cond yang mengeluarkan udara.Apa kerjaya yg aku ambil?Ayah aku cakap pemuzik takleh tanggung makan minum.Dunia ini tidak,kadang-kadang.Artis-artis yang hanyalah menggunakan wang untuk populariti,suara taklah sedap mana.Takda bakat instrumen pulak tuh.Dan secara segeranya boleh naik.Aku rasa takda makna.

Bila orang dengar ambition aku nk jadi penyanyi,dorang semua beranggapan yang aku ni gila populariti.Mereka salah.Aku cumalah obses dengan muzik dan alunan gitar yang sungguh merdu.Walaupun aku taklah terer sangat main.Apa nk expect?aku belajar sendiri,tidak seperti budak lain yg pergi kelas muzik dgn duit parents dorg.Parents aku asyik sibuk dengan bil2 dan hutang2 kad kredit yang perlu bayar,dan minyak kereta yang melambung naik.Cita cita aku dipinggirkan.Aku hanyalah boleh melihat Sekolah Yamaha Music berdekatan rumahku dengan harapan yang mati.

Aku seorang remaja.Aku sememangnya tahu.Tapi ,kadang 2 aku sering berasa tidak puas hati terhadap orang sekelilingku melayan aku.
Sekolah.
Jangan cakaplaa,aku sememangnya hampa.Aku rasa aku mcm tak nak hidup pulak.Hidup aku kosong.Aku bukanlah ingin bersifat negatif atau emo.Ini hidup aku,bukan mcm hidup kau yg warna warni.Aku hanya ada seorang kawan.Tu pun dia tak faham apa yg sedang aku lalui.mereka langsung tak faham,cara hidup diorg lain,bukan macam aku,hati aku cepat memberontak.Aku jarang senyum ataupun gelak macam sekolah lama aku .Aku rasa ni bukan diri aku yang sebenar.Aku seratus peratus berubah.

Aku selalu bermimpi untuk membawa diri,dengan hanya gitar dan diri aku ,membuka minda.Kebebasan.Sesuatu yang aku tidak boleh capai.Aku hanya terperangkap dengan hari hari yang bosan berulangan.