wondrous.

"Dan bila kau tiba aku hilang dari kewujudan/And when you appeared,i lost my existence"

The words lingered in mind,,lefting me wondering ,i do have this kind of feeling but to whom?
My days passed lifelessly.Wihout much livedly i undulge myself in my dreamless sleep,where i just lay like a corpse.I'm at the place i'm forced to live in,it's like a faint and lifeless feeling whenever i set my foot on this place,it's like i've been cursed or something.Not to mention,i have to lived 13 months more in this place.

I was at the back at my mom's car,she talked about college and finance with my brother.Like always,i'm not my parent's first priority.I was gazing to the village scene outside the window while listening to an acoustic music,with my heavy eyelids.Wondering something that crossed my imagination line.

I'm freakingly lifeless.

re-lived.

I'm reading again a psychological type of manga,with many tabs rowed in the browser of the internet-window,6.12 am.Oh where's the takbir raya?i havent hear it yet.
I stalked many people in nets,trying to look beautiful at once picture,hmm a typical teenage who just want to get noticed i thought.What do they get in return anyway,how boring.I don't have a clue why,i want to bury a feeling that is something not-common,unique or just extraordinary.

I watched 2012,with a shivering emotion,tighten my grip to handle my fearness,with a teary eyes.I'm afraid of the end,the sins that i commited so far,the separation from the love ones.The individuality to confront God,the judgment on our akidah,the souls that separated away from the body.It quivering me,even if i scream it echoes back somehow.

This person that appeared firstly on my notification on the worldwide social web,facebook.Woke me from blindness,i have realized a bit from feeling faithless over bunch of pretty and rich human that's totally opposite from me,realized me on how to be free from the sighing soul,on how to lived a life.

I hope there's still faith in me,to continue walk on this road,to find a way out from this maze,Insya-allah.

propaganda .

I just went to movie today with my eyes that didnt rest and my body that can carried a little energy.I went anyhow just to see the hottest vampire movie.I can already senses a fangirlism aura around me on the the ticket counter that runs out ticket quickly for that movie.We made it to buy somehow,but have to crammed our neck in the second row.The fangirlism aura increased when the hero appeared,they giggle and whooing silently with their peers.Heh.

Seriously,i don't favour it much ,i think Vampire Diaries and Trueblood is much better,more aggresive some way,this is too romantic ,i don't think it suites me.I mean,it's a vampire movie but there's no bite scene.I have been a vampire lover since i was standard 6 when these vampire-Edward thing didnt even existed.Bite scences is a must for a vampire story,even in a manga there's at least once,oh come on.I think the book was much better and somehow i love when the starting of that movie.The Shakespeare's quote.I always wanted Julian Casablancas to be a vampire,but he's kinda stoned,but why not?

breaking the boredom.

I hadnt laughed out loud for a while,talked with real human besides my family for a while.The people that wouldnt gets on my nerves,they are much likeably my old friend.
I had the rarest feeling since Jun,the fun,the loud laugh,the easiness.Eventhough it lasts for a while,i have to go to the unfamilliar place,sosial,people and society all this 4 months.Still,it was all momentary.I was touched,grateful that still there's a people who still appreciated me even i'm gone.Thank you human .
















The karouke's.Akma took this without my knowledge,i'm not ready,i was luaghing hard =.= and found that i was on her myspace,ouhh i look hyper and dumb and chubby.I guess i drink a lot of carbonated drink lately,that risen up my adrenaline.I was choosing Seventh Heaven song and it's in kanji =.=,damn.
Still,i hadnt laugh like this,seriously.Somehow,all my uneasiness had flushed away.Pic;Laila and Akma.

mercy.

Phrases after phrases,words after words.
His words in my inbox shred me to tears when i flashed back ,when i felt that i'm like invicible.When i called Aida on midnight,crying over on the phone,when i was isolated and alone while seeing other laughed their self out.I admit it,i hate to be alone back then,to be stared by others like i was just an alien and heard they talking back at me.It strucked my mind back,and left me to tears.

I just found out i got 45 for Math,it was empty like an empty present box,expecting to be like something but empty.Ahhh,who am i to be blamed?

Phrases,

The storm growling in these massive area full with trees swirling and wild winds come from the sea right above my house.The weather turns grey and cold,and the night time turns ackwardly cold and as quiet as a grave,maybe there's many trees surrounding my houses,it's so different than the city.

I'm still sitting in front of the computer,hoping my computer didnt shut down because of the strikes.Playing Romance De Amour in a rainy days,i can't describe it with words how i felt,it's absorbing my sanity at the same time i felt i'm alive.Really i can feel the attachment,though i only can play the part 1.Suprised how the original creator of this piece remain mysteries,he/she must have an enermous talent that can absorbs anyone's soul by just listening to it.I guess this is called an art.

I'm suprised there's actually someone who thinks me with no such word can describe me.I don't know myself either which words could describe me.Well,for most surely i hate to be a center of attraction.Hmmmm.

Random.

Enthusiasted with someone that are much likeably way older than me,his knowledge and perspectives about life impressed me.I don't know which part of me interesting that someone age like him would even said to me.But this is indeed interesting,i've never seen some adults are trying wasting his time on a 14 year old girl that has nothing to do on her holiday school.
But i indeed admire him.For the first time i thought that i'm not the only one who think too much on life.Ughh,am i too young for my totally complex thinking?

Seeing others who just my age.I don't even understand myself.I always speaks to myself "Live your life",but how ,when,where,why or other consequences.To able to breathe freely while spreading my two arm in a high place,seeing the nature's beauty God's created,or some other thing that i can;t even had a chance to do in my entire life.Rather than just clinging myself into streotypes and to be noticed,I wont let my time waste like un-closed tap water pouring,aint I?

Move on,
I spend the cold night with Ili , my lost-long friend that i usually hung out to.She haven't change,the way she talked nor her usual self.We mostly talked about us and us,and people that change when the time flew unknowing us.Ah,i wish to meet her face the face that i recognized well.But we're only connected by our 21st century super convenient tools,the phone.

Wish for your bestest in your SPM tomorrow ,Stranger.Pray for God as He is the creator and the most intelligence and i'll be here if you need a human to talk.And don't ill-fated your faithness,please.

Carbonara pasta.

Holding a glass of hot milk tea,sipping my mouth into it to taste the warm of it.The weather is very gloom this days,even yesterday,and maybe tomorrow.What a cold weather that chilling my bones,i didnt even bathing yet because of the coldness.

I've been a Hikikomori these past 3 days,i barely go out or talk to people.I'm just locking myself away in my room and spending 80% on the computer.I didnt even go to school,just not felt like it.Ahh there's no one that i could talk to there anyway.

I missed talking and laughing with my friend,i rarely do that since i moved ,i even hardly curved a smile.Holiday are just going to start,why do i felt isolated?I must laughed my hearts out while the new semester starting and going to face the damn year of PMR.

miscellaneous

Chewing chewing and chewing.
Candies and chocolate laid in the desk with random stuff.I'm trying to fill my empty stomach with just of these.Dinner that my maid make is just unappetizing,i missed my mother's cooking.But she rarely cook because busy with her work.I didnt even see her face today.

Boredom killed me.I didnt go to school today,and i slept whole day and dreamt weird and scary stuff.Ended woke up sweating.
I indeed miss Aida,i dont know why,our distance seems so far away and we less talk and meet.I guess im being too dependable on her.

I lost my guitar pick again,i wonder how many did i lost it.I can't play guitar until i have back my guitar pick and my nails arent too long.
I have no idea what to do.I'm trying to avoiding someone right now in facebook.I'm not on the verge to have contact with him.Urghh scary.

planning.

It's 8 am in this small terrace house in the middle of a massive town.Ackwardly,there's no some kind of army jogging or the sound of wind around like when my other house used to.It expresses how much difference it seems.And i realized i miss the situation now,the situation where my late granny would wake me up for Subuh prayers.And one day,her voice just vanished like dust been whooshed by a wind.It stung my heart away remembering that.
May Allah bless her soul.

Move on to the bright side.I dont want to shred tears.

I've been thinking on what i should do this holiday,im not gonna pouring all those precious time that comes once a year should i?so yeah i will try asking my mom for class guitar,i know i can play already but i need to expand my skill.I havent even know how to play solo proper way,and i admit that i can't read tabs and notes.I only used chord and tutorial in youtube up until now.

And i will cover a song Happy Birthday To you you for Aida,im hope with full enthusiasm that she will like it.And im trying hard on the solo too,though im not actually good at it,my brother only good at it .I'm so envying him.
Aida have been to Melaka and im the opposite.Huuuh,ive been missing her presence like almost months.Thought of going out with my friends,but they all seems busy.

I want my long hair back.

I'm so freakingly dumb.

HAPPY 14 TH BIRTHDAY, AIDA!

Great guiltyness strikes me as i review blog of my most caring friend i ever had.Im stunned,and i keep blaming myself how ignorant i am.Her birthday is almost 2 days ago,and i didnt even wish her anything.Oh my god.I dont deserve to be her best friend,even i didnt wish her yet.I'm seriously sorry.I'm sorry if you hate me,exams realy play my nerves.And the distance between us is hundreds kilometre away that separate us;sigh.I'm so sorry.Can i get you something?Please tell me if you need one.I will put effort to get it even how much my stomach can tied so that i could save some money.
And again,thank you for this almost 5 years of friendship.This is the best give God have creates.

Oh,and good luck stranger for your SPM.Life must go on,and just let the boat of life sail you.I know you can do it!Ganbatte !

Over for good.

"10 minit lagi!"

I sang happily in my heart,gloria is mine and only mine.I can let my hair down until next year.
No more eyebags because of studying.Suprisingly,the exams is not that hard,except for Math,maybe i failed it.
I get 87 for English.I nearly cried when teacher ask me "what happen to your mark?",I thought i was going to get 5/40 or something,but she vividly joked.But still,i target 90 though.

I will move school next year with full of strangers again,it was a small school consist of many army's child.It's just freakin same,no difference.Ughh,if it's not because of my dad's occupation,I just live rigidly in Kj,and not even bother about how i face society like this.
Thank you for my suffering for this several month.But still,i'll be leaving my friends who just i knew,well they did help me even if it's little,i do appreciate them ,even how aint good them for me.

Time is running out.

Time is running out like,running out like my siblings chasing after a pack of hersheys chocolate,
I stare at my Geography reference book,that just lay on the massive table just right beside me.
With just a a Reinventing Your Exit acoustic and air-cond tune that i could hear right now.

Ahh,i can feel deep in my hearts core ,the feeling of freedom after the exam,with no literal problems that seems dampening me on my mind
But when i open my eyes back,im facing with books and scattered stationery here and there

I can't seems to study well,im the type of person who only study at school,but with that damn school im sitting i can;t focus,first the teacher,they dont exactly teach,and the students,they are so so hopeless.They seems to make noise of their damn minded.
And im only study like 40% and the judgement day is the day after tomorrow.

gonna make it short for now.

Exams start tomorrow,
to be honest,im not entirely ready.
erghhh.
my head whirling like a mosquito that trying to find the way exit in my crowded brain.
im so clueless.
i still have times to re-watch again Goong
get ready for the falling grades i have to bear.

procantination.

I've been given a day-off today,i supposed to study for my 5 days more final exams.
And i didnt,i just can't study,im feeling soo blank.
So i just intended to ease my tension and on the computer,
and when i realised,it was 7 pm.
I'm so gonna die.

Please fasten the time.

Please,
please,
oh clock,tick faster,move faster.
I can't wait to smell the freedom of holiday.
And the laughter i am with my friend at PJ ,
and how i can be myself again.

Please,please fasten the drop of time that remain slow to me.

It's like an unending maze,im searching and searching for the unexist,
You run and run vigorously but you go nowhere
You shouted for help,but it only echoes you back
Dropped of tears dripping like tap water,how many litre i shred,
How many sorrow that waves in myself?
I wish this feeling were never existed,that lingering on my soul
It taste like a deep deep pitch black ink,that you've forced to drink it,
Like a knife that could bleed you with just a touch,sunk deeply in your opened wound
It's like an eyes ,like an ocean ,so melancholic it faints your heart away.

I can't get rid of those feeling,these feeling of melancholic,i should stop this,i just hate myself for not being tough,im an emo retarded,i kno,just throw your blame on me,i'm a useless,im a useless child who don't deserve to be in your womb,i dont deserve to live at all.






I'm stupid.I'm just a nobody with an emo-shitlife and emo post.