Kau inginkan hubungan sesama lelaki dan perempuan seperti di kaca tv. Cliche dan membahagiakan padahal aku hanya inginkan tiket konsert yang berharga RM200 dan merchandise rare band British kegilaanku.Gadis bebas tiada disini, ia hanyalah ungkapan yang reverse kerana dia terperangkap dengan limitation hidup.

Allergi

Aku allergi dengan hormon aku sendiri. Aku allergi dengan diri aku yang mengejar sesuatu yang tidak pasti. Aku allergi dengan diri aku yang selalu tertarik dengan benda yang reverse.

“Kau berpijak di bumi yang nyata, Icha.Janganlah duduk di bulan sahaja,dahlah tempat tu berkelopak sana sini.Pergilah ke Marikh ke, Venus ke.” , kata seorang kawan imaginasi yang aku wujudkan sendiri di dalam kepala.

Aku benci dia. Tapi dia selalu akan datang dan menganggu aku membuat istana di awan atau membuat jaring malaikat di pulau kontinen minda.

“Aku sibuklah Fatimah! Aku sibuk membuat istana untuk aku dan teman lelaki aku yang tiada kewujudan tu, kau tahu apa? Kau selalu terperuk di belakang minda aku.Aku tak perlu logika kau.”,kataku dengan penuh rasa menyampah.

Kadang-kadang aku kena menyergah dia baru dia hilang macam awan hitam. Dengan muka masam bercuka dia pergi, tenungannya tajam macam pisau sampai kadangkala mencederakan aku.Parah jugak luka yang dia bagi tu. Aku kena makan Aspirin dan Morphin berkali kali untuk hilangkan sakit.

Aku wujudkan dia untuk kembalikan balik jalan, in case aku sesat.Tapi aku dah memang sesat,aku tak mahu dijumpai lagi.Ironinya , Fatimah memang optimistik, tapi dia akan selalu pakai tshirt Joy Division bila jumpa aku, band paling pesimistik yang pernah aku tahu.

Aku taknak kehilangan dia kerana aku yang wujudkan dia sendiri, tapi entah kenapa sejak perasaan remaja yang memberontak dah berleluasa, aku maki dia, aku pijak dia sampai lumat.

Lama kelamaan, dia hilang macam angin.Dan tiba-tiba aku terus dapat kanser, kanser jiwa.

Minum Coke Bersama Kau

Minum coke bersama kau lebih baik daripada melihat keajaiban dunia di Paris , atau melihat cahaya yang memekik di gigi jalan New York.

Minum coke bersama kau lebih baik daripada menikmati cahaya matahari yang mencengkam di Miami atau Sydney.

Minum coke bersama kau lebih baik daripada melihat lampu neon yang tersembur di Tokyo atau Akhihabara.

Minum coke bersama kau lebih baik daripada melihat keagungan arkitek di Amsterdam dan Rom.

Minum coke bersama kau lebih baik daripada melihat sejuta lampu yang menari di kota Kuala Lumpur.

Minum coke bersama kau lebih baik daripada bergelumang dengan materialiti di pusat membeli belah.

Minum coke bersama kau lebih baik daripada melemaskan diri di lautan ilmu di perpustakaan.

Minum coke bersama kau lebih baik daripada meloloskan diri dengan  tenaga adrenalin di konsert muzik.

Minum coke bersama kau seperti meminum coke yang terakhir di padang pasir yang panas.

Kerana jika meminum coke dengan kau, realiti seakan larut dan cair seperti gula dalam kopi.

C.

If only cancer was just a zodiac sign, I would get horoscopes every month in any magazines, knew how my love life would be, and predicted my lucky star and my financial situation would be. If only cancer was just a zodiac sign, I would not have to face my mother soggy from the chemo and pale from the radiotherapy. I would not stumble upon chapped and faded lips, dried voices, and soulless eyes. I would not wake up everyday wondering if my mother would be at my wedding if i ever getting married. I would not wake up everyday wondering if I ever see her high spirited faces. I would not wake up everyday shivering from the nightmares of losing her. If only cancer was just a zodiac sign.

Cage

This may sounds so average cliche exaggerated teeny wheeny self induce destruction of whines, typical velocity of emotions of a teenager going in a phase, a phase where you go through a hard rolling stone going directionless and emotion piling up with uncertainties problems rising to the surface, but I find this really hard and I have no one, and I only have songs, songs that put me back together.

Seventeen.

Young bloods raging like meteor. Desire is incapably loud. I'm an angsts.

Waiting for non existence excitement to come is like waiting for a money drops on your lap. My desire lately is too loud it's unbearable. I want to scream and shout on top of my lung , eargasm musics just dances through the universe. I want to feel sunshine on my skin , I want to meet new faces, go to places I never went. Unfammiliar places and unfammiliar faces. I want the world. I fucking hate limitations. It's like a big tentacles or a three eyes zombie. It's sticking in your life like a fucking glue. Sticky and difficult. It's unavoidable really, teen angst. I am an angst.

So high school  is over hah. What next

A good cry

When everything is unheard, I only had this blog and this blog alone.
It's not the same like telling to someone, because they never vision themselves in my position, or just shrug at it telling it would all be fine. I wish they were true all they way but I'm still in darkness or so what I thought.
Since the most important person in my life had the most important stuff to worry about in the back of their mind, I'm just insignificant nano-problem to them.
And that feeling just let out pain in your throat. I stumble upon darkness and I'm so lost determining my future, let alone thinking I just screwed up the biggest important exam in my whole life.
I'm a piece of fucking cake. I stumble upon myself in the mirror and cursed "You're a fucking crybaby cunt". I mean I'm seventeen , people had their direction planned out and support from the love one. I only had this blog.A goddamn blog.

A sad story.

" I read your blog" -said no one

Galaksi

Aku pernah tenung bulan atau bintang dan melupakan masa depan. Aku tak pernah ada masa depan, aku pernah ada ke?Aku jenguk sebentar ke alam galaksi untuk mengkaji ruang dan batas sebab realiti semakin sempit dan lemas.Dan malaikat menari nari atas otomobil menghiasi cakerawala.
"Kau tak perlu jadi gila atau hisap ganja untuk dapatkan imaginasi, Fatimah" kata Comel ,seekor kucing Persian kepada tuannya.Tiba tiba , realiti menjadi selari dan hierarki tidak pula wujud.
Hapuskan sahaja perang dingin dan blok dunia, politik adalah picisan ketawa.

Aku taktahu, aku bercelaru . aku buntu. Pecah sahaja jamnya biar ia berhenti berdetik. Benda tu buat aku tak boleh tidur malam kerana setiap detik adalah bagai segorombolan zombi yang mengejarku.Aku rimas, aku mahu buang semua jam dalam bilik aku.
Entahlah, minda aku bersenggama mungkin. Dengan ideologi yang pelik. Aku seorang yang pelik.Tapi aku normal, aku rasa. Kau rasa?

Quit these pretentious things, and just punch the clock

This saying may be infamous and unpopular since my condition really chokes out failure in every sense but..
I really want to travel the world.
Hah. There you go , go on laughing, ha-ha.

I don't like to think about things I'm uncertain of , like my future.I'm already tired to say I'm lost, because I already am and I'm used to it, it lives in my vines now and then. Sleepless and dreamless nights also will not help other than having conversation with myself in the dark , in my head. I just see uncertainties like my favourite pen, it sometimes around and sometimes not.So I just make-believe that I lives with it , and eventually will stay somewhere or somewhat.

Whether I will mingle in the pitch black or just plain brightness. Whoever knows?
I just want to discover new things and accept whatever adversities.

We run away, but we don't know why,

I'm so lost, I need to find God

Gadis mata kaleidoskop

Duduk di dalam taman Inggeris, tunggu matahari sampai

Adversity

"Do you want to be, you and me, adversity"

This song makes me hang on.

Fuck Science

G for Gagal

Omygod, I don't know what to do with my life.

Stage

What is life to these ants of people when it's just a god damn cycle, a hints of spiritual touch in your life can be a saviour eventhough in the end we'll just rot beneath this earth.

Even how sometimes I'm frustrated by how media manipulates us, and how politicians lives in greed.
Somehow, statuses in this society is an accesory to yourself.You cannot hope for revolutions to happen when you,yourself are sinking.

Arcade Fire

"Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust"

Chinese.

There's me sitting in the darkness, swallowed with my own silence as peer pressure hitting me hard like theres a wall in between crushing me down.
There are people who loves the sea, but fear the sands that might enter their shoes.Stumble upon the cruelty of ironicness, that is synonim for me.
I loathe exams, it's not ironic at all if I fail every of my election subjects. And there I go with a set of mind that my brain is not really scientific but the truth avails that I'm really unintelligent. I went all "I'm so tired chasing non-existence intelligent" with a snobbish hipster rhythmic and stumble upon giving up and didnt attend some papers.
And I will curse the adversity that's coming in the way or the consequences.As Newton's Third Law states every action has consequences, I had to face the adversity just hope I'm bulletproof enough.


I wonder if the Chinese in China civilization didnt even create exams and this exams game are just a tool to brag your plastic intelligent. Yes, all you fucking cunt.

O2+H2O

Escape, because I fucking can.
And then you let yourself decompose,rot and decay like a coward you are.
I guess nightmares are starting to get real after all, those methaphoric monsters and tentacles are actually failures I created.
 I am angry at her, the she who lives inside of me

“She's like smoke,you think you're seeing her clearly enough,but when you reach for her there's nothing there”

-Ryu Mukarakami

Aku sering lupa tentang kepentingan aku sendiri, mungkin aku tertinggal di bawah sofa aku duduk hari ni, ataupun terperuk rapi di belakang minda aku, dibiar berhabuk dan berkulat. Mungkin aku hanyalah seorang remaja yang dikelilingi oleh dinding konkrit , dan dinding konkrit itu adalah metafora bagi kelalaian dan fantasi aku yang sering berputar dan mencanai secara infiniti.

Aku bukannya tidak mahu tahu tentang kepentingan tetapi aku berada dalam keadaan yang tidak larut. Seperti acuan kimia yang tidak larut dalam acuan sodium atau mana mana properti dalam kotak periodik.

Sangat kabur kan?Aku tak tahu bagaimana nak terangkan dah.

"Listen, hold on , the light is shimmering"

Crumbles, falls. We're in filthy disguises. Open your eyes, flickered your eyebeams, it's not that hard to see. I'm being a salvation to this relationship, what are you?
Solitude, is not bad at all if you look at the bright side, somehow it defines all, speaks all.
People indeed show their true colours in the end, just like camouflage.And I am cactus.
They can just spit their blames towards me. I saw pain in a new way.

Hi. My life is like a movie now, except for the none 2-inch makeup or how good your hair is in every freaking 2 seconds.That my sadness is real and I really felt the ground, that hard concrete ground touching your skin coldly without any mercy. Sometimes, things that I wish didnt happened is smiling in front of you for it's existence waving gladly , and what did you do? you run naked and things got even worser. Or you could just stand there embracing it and be a parasite to your own souls.
Love? I could just spit on that word.Such an offensive feelings conjure illusively and destroys you.
I don't know what is life anymore, I could just be a tree.

I don't need shit like friendship drama I need to break free. I guess I need to stop feeling like I need some affection from someone , that the whole world revolves around you or how you pity yourself because situation did not come in your way. I need to stop tweeting too, assuming the whole world listens to you whenever you don't have someone to talk to, escaping reality by centering yourself in your own delusional movie character. I make myself believe that documenting my own thoughts could make people understand and consider to solve the fucking problems rather than pointing out my flaws and mistakes. Enough is enough

I have tendencies to write , write and write again. Letting out my aching needs to rant again.These are the nightmares I had

 I was chased by a  monster squid , its spite was made from hell and it licked everybody to death. I was hollowed out by fears to fit every cold nerves in my body. Everybody was held aloft , the earth was a running track.The bodies was stowed , far below. And the twilight creep and it all ends.

There are conflicts between friendship clashing into personal preferences and whatnot love puppies and trustworthy. I don't see why my commitments and efforts are rejected after all this years of me being a good friend accompanying her weeping over a love conflict or something. Your ego must cost a fortune that you cannot take a sincere sorry lol. I don't want to be a slave for your slavery of your own egos and self-righteous.

I have nothing to grasp lately , I don't even have hopes in my own future , my grades crumbled like papers I dont even have any motivation to do anything other than to be alive experiencing new thing. Confusions never stop.

Last year of school. Lets roll~

Oh ok.

fuck.

I have not blogged for century . Maybe my laziness level worsen day by day.

I have been hanging out in my house watching movie while I let my laziness eat me. I don't think I have any motivations eventhough clearly SPM is obviously this year.I tried to search ,search  anything that will lured me into some kind of excitements but I don't think any excitements would come in the form of moneyless and limitless or such. My tendecy to just grown up and leave high school is becoming sooo strong. But I don't think facing the big world without credits in spm or diploma or degree will be a bed of roses. Suddenly future scares the shit out of me.

Foster The People.

I  have the bestest night in my life.The energy is exhilarating and the music vibes just run in my blood that time it's literally like ecstasy.Spending money is obviously not a waste it's like a form of buying experiences.I'm gonna experiences lots of gigs and concerts after this while I still have young blood running through my veins.

Youth won't last for eternity.It's running like a loaded gun.Is it a shame to just be in a denial and suddenly realized that your skin wrinkled and your age increases like human population in this world.I should take risk more than being in denial all my life