birthday at aida's

Well just check her ,
http://aidajaejoong.blogspot.com/

anyway,i cant sleep
and i have to wake up at 6.30 for school
ughh,this sucks.

Homework----

So,i have return to Melaka.I felt awful.I dont know why,i felt totally misery here.Maybe i used to stay PJ with lots of memories,and it's totally different here.I missed Aida teribbly,I nearly cried.Tomorrow start the school,it sucked my boredom.Huuuh--.And i bet i dont even have a human to talk to tomorrow.My homework still didnt finish.There's karangan that i have to hand up wednesday,and there's still Math and Agama.I sneak time to read the one's update.

Yesterday,i went out with Aida and her sister.We watched Orphan.Though it's 18 pl,we just cheat our age.We act 4 years matured.Haha,that's the first time i do something that's breaking the law.
What a day.

I just post something that really2 puisi kind of thing.And it's in BM.Yeah.Just try something new.
I gotta ,you know.Schools are killing me.

Bahasa Melayu penuh.

Jam berdetik-detik menggegar gegendang teligaku,kakakku tidak berhenti bercakap tentang pengakhiran dengan so called kekasihnya dengan kawannya di telefon bimbitnya.Gitar coklatku tersegam indah di penjuru dinding dengan terselitnya pick berwarna merah jambu.

Aku hanya memikirkan hidupku.Sambil mendengar bunyi air cond yang mengeluarkan udara.Apa kerjaya yg aku ambil?Ayah aku cakap pemuzik takleh tanggung makan minum.Dunia ini tidak,kadang-kadang.Artis-artis yang hanyalah menggunakan wang untuk populariti,suara taklah sedap mana.Takda bakat instrumen pulak tuh.Dan secara segeranya boleh naik.Aku rasa takda makna.

Bila orang dengar ambition aku nk jadi penyanyi,dorang semua beranggapan yang aku ni gila populariti.Mereka salah.Aku cumalah obses dengan muzik dan alunan gitar yang sungguh merdu.Walaupun aku taklah terer sangat main.Apa nk expect?aku belajar sendiri,tidak seperti budak lain yg pergi kelas muzik dgn duit parents dorg.Parents aku asyik sibuk dengan bil2 dan hutang2 kad kredit yang perlu bayar,dan minyak kereta yang melambung naik.Cita cita aku dipinggirkan.Aku hanyalah boleh melihat Sekolah Yamaha Music berdekatan rumahku dengan harapan yang mati.

Aku seorang remaja.Aku sememangnya tahu.Tapi ,kadang 2 aku sering berasa tidak puas hati terhadap orang sekelilingku melayan aku.
Sekolah.
Jangan cakaplaa,aku sememangnya hampa.Aku rasa aku mcm tak nak hidup pulak.Hidup aku kosong.Aku bukanlah ingin bersifat negatif atau emo.Ini hidup aku,bukan mcm hidup kau yg warna warni.Aku hanya ada seorang kawan.Tu pun dia tak faham apa yg sedang aku lalui.mereka langsung tak faham,cara hidup diorg lain,bukan macam aku,hati aku cepat memberontak.Aku jarang senyum ataupun gelak macam sekolah lama aku .Aku rasa ni bukan diri aku yang sebenar.Aku seratus peratus berubah.

Aku selalu bermimpi untuk membawa diri,dengan hanya gitar dan diri aku ,membuka minda.Kebebasan.Sesuatu yang aku tidak boleh capai.Aku hanya terperangkap dengan hari hari yang bosan berulangan.

i'm fourteen for god sake!

So my birthday is pretty plain,first 12 mindnight i celebrate with Aida,i again sleep at her house.When it comes 12 sharp,aida saying out loud,"happy birthday !!",and then gave me a jacon biscuit box,and i was like...."thanks....".And when i opened it,it was Twilight Ecplise novel that cost like fourty.I countlessly saying thank you to her.And my birthday cake is the maggie mee that she cooked XD.Oh well.At least i enjoyed.And we watch titanic together,Aida was like shedding tear ,and i began to panic,i am the person who gets panic when somebody that i'm close with cry anyway.So that's it.I chat and chat with her all night and woke at 12 pm.

And my actual birthday day,was pretty plain and boring,No cake no present other than Aida's.My parents didnt actually know it was my birthday though.And when after break fast,i only tell them.And they're like "happy birthday icha," and continue talked about their financial problem.So,i decide to end up about my dream guitar.Huuh--

That's it,well,several of my friend did wish.Thank you and thank you and thank you.I really appreciate it,especially for them who post at their blog about my birtday.I sincerely appreciate it.

Well,mukhzani,i know i'm being a total pathetic,cuz i only whine and whine.But i didnt actually want this all to happen to me,seriously.So i was like,well our life's are different.But i post this in intention not to express my unagreable or anything.I just post everything about my life here.And i really appreciate you advice.Thanks so muuch.

what a stupid birthday i soon will have.

My birthday is coming ,like 3 days more and i'm totally didnt feel anything,cuz it might be boring.But Aida seems to planned something,but i really hope it will becoming interesting .I just dont want to hope from my family,they didnt even know the date i'm born,even my mother.Sometimes i'm just fucked up with that fact and actually that day i must to return to that hellish place one more time.I just hate living there.

My day in this 1 week holiday is a total boring,i wake up,i eat,i sleep,i'm interneting,i've been lectured all day by my mom because i sleep whole day,and i run into my fantasy again;reading manga/watching anime.

I dont have a thing to talk about my life,can i just craping with what i thought?

Ok here goes,I was like everyday i turn the mangafox and then i just run into my fantasy world again.Eventhough i hate reading shoujo or love story,i dont know why i read them anyway.I hate to see why those boys like so bishies and so perfect in my eye didnt existed in the real world,and i hate to see girls like me that is not attractive at all out of nowhere been loved from someone that is so perfect.Why shouldnt real world be like that?I,sometimes eager to someone treats me i'm special,eventhough i'm totally not.And i'm eager that someone totally make me feel that i'm really existed.

I once have imagine that one day,i close my eye and when i opened back,my reality turns what i dreamt.
But it'll never will happen , fairytales isnt existed anyway.



I once again,dreamt to be like her.

Ramadhan greeting.

School holiday began and so for the Ramadhan.I didnt redo my puasa for this whole 2 years,mama just dont want me to do it because she's sayingi've got no stamina.I think she's overprotective.Hmph,maybe i am that weak.But i have to pay fidiah and all that.What can i do?I just have to do it all this year.Maybe when next holiday came.

I started to messaging with the guy on minitoons,that guy that aida hook up.Eventhough,i did feel guilty because i somehow interfere ,but aida said she didnt mind at all,i hope she really mean it,or else my guilty conscious high up.I cant stop my mouth,i mistakenly said about aida crushing him to him.Again,aida didnt scold me at all,i'm just too grateful she can bear with me.And the guy didnt reply my message after that.Arggh,what did i do?i'm super dumb

Ramadhan have made me starve and test my patience.This must be how poor people felt,doesnt eat like the whole day.God really is clever.But though,i didnt start doing terawih yet.My lazyness took over
I'm in my house in Kelana Jaya,i thought i want to hang out with my friends,but it's not easy to contact them.
My parents are working,so i cant go anywhere and there's h1n1 everywhere.Huuuh.This is no fun--

I've been onlining facebook like everyday now.And i'm not afraid anymore to show my face.Yesterday,my mom said some this odd guy fakely admits that i asked his phone number,to my mom!I was like what the f--- are he talking about,i like totally antisocial in that ridiculous place and i didnt felt anything to their species.Gossh.

Back to my topic,my homework are countless.I've got folio to settle before this september.I'm totally clueless.Well,so long.I'm so sorry you have to read all this,it's boring isnt it--

Today and tomorrow.

Bag thrown away,i lay helplessly after another fake day,
I felt even more helpless when my mom said in the car back then,that my form teacher and my sivik teacher is actually telling my condition in class,and what makes it worse,they tell my mother that i didnt have any expression,same that numb expression eventhough the class laugh over something,i still wear that mask expression.And i just said to my mother fakely,"i'm okay",eventhough i'm completely not.

I wonder to myself,how long can i endure this kind of fakeness?Until this long 2 years?
I'm completely tired though it's just for 2 months.

And that person,i dont hate her,but everytime i see her,my heart ache.She got everything i want to be.
From every aspect,she got everything.But who am i?I'm just a girl who stuck in this ridiculous place.
And for the first time,i just said to myself i hate being a teacher's and an army's daughter.Though my parents i are not to be blame,but i just said it to myself silently.Huuh,it's just too unfair to myself.

One of my classmate who happens to brought my DVD to return back to me,got caught by the prefects,and I was furious.My Gokusen just lost.Great.

ohh,tiring.

Just got back from Sunway Pyramid with Aida

,and i'm in her house stealing her internet.I think
i will sleepover her house tonight.Mama and family
sleep on my relative new rebuild house.
Gaah--Wafi and Kaktin free willingly went to MTV
World Stage.I just plain envy them.
Got this guy that Aida hook,I force her to ask his email.
And she
did.We like the third time visit the store where he work.Well,his smile is awesome,when we enter the store ,with his cute smile and say "welcome".That of course will melt anyone with a taste of bishies.
And never mind,i just gave aida a chance,
she have a strong gut,i'm not.
So i just encourage her,
and i dont know why i felt nervous too when Aida asked him,
as if i'm the one who asked him,and i just afraid that he reject her,
but instead he just gave his email.Tadaa.
Well,i've got nothing to say anymore.

Guy with black top's.He's the obsession

rotten yogurt--

Argh,my mind is messed up.I'm in my old house.No idea how the transportation for tomorrow's hang out with Aida.Kaktin and Wafi been going to MTV World Stage,pffft that's not fair.And i wnted to take a lift with them,but they end up in the different hour.Mama had some other's matter to settle up.Pretty messed up.I dont care what happen anymore.

Connection's here pretty bad,old unpaid modem .Abah want to cut the connection anyway,cuz it's no use.No one's living here.I totally missed my 2j's friend,i wanted to meet them so badly,but i cant contact them,except Aidil.Eventhough i can call Aini,but when i call her i dont know what to talk and she always like "umm","yeah".I know you so well,Aini.I dont mind though,i will contact you somehow.

The boys.Well,they brighten my day with laughter,especially Meor ,Imran,Zakhwan,Aqmal and the gang.And the boys at my currently school,they just totally not into my humour thing,i cant laugh.The jokes is different.

I hope times flew fastly.I just can't stand there.I live in pretend,plastic.Everybody's sees me as smart with specs ,i'm just not like that at all.My heart is just dying with hatred.Only god knows what i felt beneath my fake expression.


So long,i aint gonna talk much,playing guitar just to kill the time.

I woke up today at 5 pm with my mom's lecture,i diddnt go to school again today,she insist i just go along with her words.Straightly went to thel bathroom and notice that a huge acne appear on my face,frustrated.
After showering went to the tv bla bla nuisance program that losing my interest.Went to my bedroom at turn on my mp3 while staring at the ceiling again.For like 4 days i didnt go out to anywhere,it feels so blank---
i couldnt help it.

Open my blog,and happy seeing Mukhzani commented,i missed my old friend who i dont know if they miss me.Since last year reunion,i didnt contact any of them except aida,we're always contacting even now.Well,people move on.Some of them are just change,i dont know them anymore,they're like strangers to me.It's weird,we used to be so close back then,it's weird on how from friends to strangers could happen.But i envy all of them though.They seem happy with new friends and new school and new boyfriends whatsortever.Maybe they totally forget me,i dont mind,i'm used to all that.Being thrown like i was just a tissue.I know i'm just a low profile person,i'm boring,i'm nobody.

And i have to stuck in these boring life i have to go on.My school is totally hell for me.It's an all-must-wear-tudung school , i'm just shocked for the first time i went here,i dont know there have been such rule.Ahhh,and the girls in my class,i hate them.Seriously,they totally act and say different back and in front of me,hypocrite.And i have to face them tomorrow,and the day after tomorrow,the day after tomorrow's tomorrow's.Huuuhh----

GACC will be held at MMU,Melaka .I want to go,because i have wanted to go to anime convention for age!!But i think i missed it,it's on this Saturday when i will be return back to KL.Shoot.

So long,

knock,knock,knock

It's like I'll disappear as soon as I close my eyes
I feel like I've turned into someone that even I don't recognize
Sadly, I've become so small
I want to be rescued, but instead of sighing
I vomited up my loneliness, and just lay there, measuring it all up

Amidst this drop of time gone dry
My heart is drowning and writhing
These lies that make me dizzy
I took them and tore them up
And with that,
I became lost
In a world of thin darkness. [1]

For the sake of those whom I should trust
I chose to come here, a cage into which I've locked myself, and now
there's no escape.
Deep inside my parched throat
Lies the reason for this growing impermanence [2]
Scared of the approaching tomorrow
I cower and collapse
But it seeks me out and whispers to me
This voice of thin darkness. [1]

Amidst this drop of time gone dry
My heart is drowning and writhing
These lies that make me dizzy
I took them and tore them up
And with that, I became lost
In a world of thin darkness


translation from the song Bana-shell,i got it from this anime witch hunter robin.It's dark,but i love how the lyrics is made,eventhough it's pretty dark.

Arghh,i'm lifeless.

I didnt go school like 1 week now because of fever.I get better now,but i didnt eat much because i hardly swallow food and my tonsel are not recovering yet.Mama asked me to take a day off again.I felt guilty for some reason.

Just finishing up edited my skin blog,it all happen yesterday because my laptop that hang all of sudden and all that i saved was goone,even the old cbox that was commented by my old lost friend,mukhzani.Such a waste.And to think that it was so rare for he to comment me,i dont even know how he know this url.Oh,anyway,happy birthday to Mukhzani.Eventhough i know you aint gonna read this.I remember when my primary school,everytime his birthday came,he always serve us with KFC.What a memory.

So long,

This is my secret hobby.Hitting on yaoi's.I get excited seeing bishies hit on bishies.Well,maybe no for reality,but in anime or manga yes.I know it's a lil bit strange,but i love seeing them touching each other.Well i admit i'm one of those yaoi fan girl,well not much but i do hook up with some of these.

Like a needle in her throat.

Like a needle in my throat,i couldnt even swallow things,this tonsel really kill me and it never healed how much i eat medicine.

I rarely get a high fever,up until now.And for a sudden high fever attack me comes with a great tonsel.I'm getting even paler,less eat,less weight.I still off for school tomorrow,there's 2 person got h1n1 at my school anyway.

School's getting boring,i thought high school are fun with friends and crushes.It's far from my expectation after i got move.High school has becoming hell for me.And somehow,memories in my old school are haunting me .I cant even smile whole heartedly now,even i smile it never reach my eyes.Everything i do seems so fake.
eventhough i want to say what my heart feel like,i can just smile hypocritely and throw the thoughts deep down in my heart.Yeah,i fake a lot.

After i go home after school,i straightly go to my room and lay in the bed,staring at the ceiling and sigh continuously.And wondered to myself,am i worth to live?.I dont know how to answer that how much i asked to myself.

cold ground-

She sat at her black and white cold floor,the clock shown 7.30 on the wall.She's clueless on wht to do in this lonely saturday night.She types speedly while looking at the monitor with her long bangs that nearly enter her eyes,but it didnt bother her.Her mind messed up with undone works,but her body and mind still saying no to all that.Lazyness took all over.