Sky .

Gazing the sky through the window of my little messy bedroom , wondering what's the future holds. I am like a petal , that flew by the wind , lost and bewildered on my own direction .

The sky is striking today . It's as if speaks a word of wisdom to me and as if trying to calm me from the dissapoinment of murdering my own dignity . At least the sky is here with me since nobody would even bother to be there for me .

Yes , I do .

Before I can even taste the sorrow , my tears already swelling up my eye . Maybe I'm kind of familliar with this sorrow I barely feel anything . The sun is blinding , I long for rain to drench my feeling even more .

I wish miracles can happen.

The rain is pouring all night ,I'm being sleepless again . My eyes just can't handle the fear anymore if I shut them out . Mama had cut all ties of hopes on me ,sternly did not insisted me taking the results just to save our faces and put her best "don't care " attitude . I thought I'm pleased with her reactions , but it indeed hurting my pride as a daughter .I felt like i'm just a spare parts in these family , like a broken doll that did not put on use anymore.

I confided myself I'm going to be okay with laughters and jumping all alone . At least that will make me feel ease , perhaps ....

A little fantasy won't harm.

We sighed as soon as we stepped the ground of reality . There are too many obstacles to face after this second , as soon as we take further steps away , away from that place.

While everyone been bearing with that fears , I'm still blind to feel anything. It's like they are talking in words I don't understand.

here comes the sun

So I meet the Sun today .It's shimerring light shone right through my face and turning my hair from black to a slight dark-brownish coloured , as it's speak for it's always there to guide people and give hopes. After a while waking up to see the moon,this passed few days.It's pale light had left me sighing ,knowing that a day passed and wasted from blinding my eyes out in the messy bed.

Last night I cried unknowingly . That dream came again ,the utmost fear that I will overcome in a few days .It's like ,i'm being spit by people ,my pride hurts , and i'm feeling miserable all the way to my throat just because of a piece of slip .

I know it's too late to do anything ,I wonder if i still have hopes?

Fear just run up in my vein whenever i heard results is next week. This happy harmonize tune just fills the air,hoping that it will ease my chickenshit fear.I shall refrain the tears that swallowing in the tips of cornea and regretness that swelling in my emotion's nerves. I have to confront this maturedly ,clamly .Yeah ,that's how it should be.

I've been running in the same circles.My sweats dropping , as I gasped the air and let it out rushly.

Those faces ,who seems so proud of what they have , those words are like a stain of dirt spit out right to my face.

If only I could peek in their mind, those white lies can be seen nakedly.

But it's okay , I still have the road to choose.

gifts .

I once met an artist by the street , he was beautiful likewise with his artworks ,with his hair that falled gracely on his shoulder ,and with his eyes that was so dry and dazed . I can't help but stared at him unconsciously for quite a minute.Since my stares was like a child that craves for a toy , of course he noticed me and reply my stares with a smile. I smiled back embarasingly knowing I stare too long and sharp.He showed some kind of handsign language that asked me if I'm interested with his artworks,and from that I knew he can't talk.

My heart faint , I never knew someone that beautiful and talented have some lackness , that almost every human possessed .

Oh ,a million faces just passed my way ,and they are all the same .

Oh,who knows just what the future holds?

I'm awkward? you should see me in my bedrooms.I am a real performer.

i hate awkwardness but it's part of me.

We are like air or statue which people can pass on without a glance.Or to make it short,we're like invincible.

Gulping all the awkwardness that we've face .My eyes wildered to their hands that possesed expensive cool gadgets.I tried not being social awkward,by putting a smile ,just in case people tended to glance at me.I do try to do what they called "socialising" with new people.But somehow,i can't control my eyes,because eyes can't smile.

I bragged with Dalilah , how the most awkward event or social meeting we've ever had. I don't know why ,when I hear Aida's voice , my emotions burned.Real friends can't buy with money.

Sounds of laughter, shades of earth are ringing through my opened ears.Inciting and inviting me .

I FEEL I'M NOT IMPORTANT . oh yeah ,world does not revolve around me .

money.

I gasped when I checked the price tag ,still overwhelmed by the beauty of the clothe,imagined i was in those . I threw the last glance of the clothe before I put it back and leave the shop.And thus threw a sigh wishing I'm like those chicks who can always slide a credit card and leave the shop with a smiling satisfying face and with hand full of plastic bags.

I've got lots of invitation from friends to hang out ,while my purse is full with only ...coins.And when I appear ,i always seen with the same clothe .That is shown how poor bimbo i am.Still , I'm still illegal to work because of some underage issue.This problem can't always solve.

I once asked God,who i'm supposed to be.

No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky.

-Bob Dylan

Allison Harvard.I'd go lesbian for her.

Habits #2

I am a performer in my bedroom.

Where all the desk,the bed,the chair,the lamp is my loyal fan and crowd.They cheered for me when I sang the last line of song and when I strum the last chord.Where the polka-dots carpet is my own stage and my hairbrush is my own microphone.Banging my head like a rockstar and swirling around.

I have a deep passion, eventhough i dont have much talent and reach all that,but at least allow me to only dream.

Habits #1

When I was little, I explore my vacant faces in the reflection of the mirror,i wonder,will this face ever turns different one day,what if this mirror lied to me ? What if , this is not what I exactly what, and it's just the illusions that play me? I could not disown the fact that I do have that thought deployed in my mind.

I always spends some minutes staring at my faces as days grew,not to admire neither absurd by self beauty.I rather talks or whine or complain with that person.The good of it is,that person never denies your opinion,it hears you.It's unhealthy ,rather.

LOL.

My life is so inanimate.

I want the adrenaline or the rushness of my heart's pounding.How?

I am bored.

Sometimes ,when i indulged myself into manga,i've become somewhat irrelevant.

Spilting tears over the somewhat realistic ending.And swam in the emotion of the main character.

Hmm,it could be worth living if i had those kind of life.

Darn,i really should kill this unnecessary idiocy of emotion before it develops bigger in it's own little worthless unrealistic fairytail like world.

Even if I’ve been set adrift, I should swim
The incessant voices of people are like waves

I don't actually believe in coincidence,but i'll pray however,despite that i commited sins all over again.

Life is like a recorded tape right now.Clueless,thoughtless.Whenever people get busy planning on their future,i'm still horrified with uncertainty and lost sight of my priorities.

It's like riding on a bicycle with thoughtless destination ,and eventually asked ourselves "How far can i go without turning back?",and thus keep on cycle and cycle and cycle.

But even i dont have hopes,I still have dreams.

Dance,Dance,Dance.

"How's PMR?"

Everytime people asked me about that same ,repeated question.My nerve awaked even it had ended.Freedom?There's no freedom for me,i'm still shivered on what's next.This is only temporary,i don't understand why this words had mentioned by several mouths.

Days passed.The laughter surrounded me,breaking through every bit of particles in the air.It's really pleasant somehow.Too bad kids,it wouldnt stay like this forever.We will move on and go to our own direction and separate in a junction.

I'm spending the thoughtless days,sleeping and hearing music in my tiny bedroom.While dancing all alone in front of the mirror,pretending i'm a performer with lots of crowds.Or watching animes and jdramas ,and laugh my ass off in front of monitor,and heard my younger brother blabbing i'm a lunatic bitch behind .

My purse is dry,and i'm also dry with creative thoughts.So the idea to hang out is even impossible now.Ask parents some money?they paid with me with their lectures instead/sigh.

So maybe i just stay home and stare at the ceiling.

This fun and lively song turns so bitter.

My feeling is down, down,down to the core of the earth.The fact that i don't have that kind of attention or emphasis,solicitude, is bleaching my tears out.Now i can seize it,im no longer important.I can may be selfish holding this thoughts or perhaps immature in regards.I can't help it,

I didnt feel we are actually soul mate .I have to stick in my mind that ,time change us,you meet new people that perhaps was not fragile and boring like me.I must convince myself to act natural with you and kept hiding what i felt.Because that's the thing i used to do all this while.Listening and listening to you without having myself to be expressed, left me with your excuses when i tried to get along with you,and always found out im the only one who initiatived to keep in touch.

Okay,sorry,i could not bother you anymore.you are busy,im so sorry.

yeaa,i'm a bad reputation

So my marks got on my old school,and tadaa , everyones there now how bad the marks flew down after i started to move here.So i have been chopped as the bad reputation because the greatest student of 3RK got D on Math on Trial which in SP ,the teachers wont make a big deal out of it at all.So the question is,why bring my name up eventhough I am done with that school and already became a history?I had hard time accepting reality knowing my marks,why added the spice?

Yeah,i don't know why my marks flew down like that,I used not to get even a C .But D?who am i joking with?maybe because i move and bla bla bla,the teachers are different.I am not already as good as old times.My focus are extremely distracted,and that i didnt even know why.I felt somewhat hopeless knowing it's only 40 days til PMR ,and i didnt even do anything yet.

And of course,if i didnt get what they want,they will see me with the eyes of "owh,she's not that good" look when the results come in my old school.

Past life still haunts me indeed.I'm somewhat paranoid with the people who expecting too much of me.

I felt unusual,seeing the different atmosphere when i look through the windows ,
I used to see the same old military camp ,and almost everyday seeing the army jogging in a group.It had turned very different here,almost buildings that i can see.

and people,hah!.Having a separation and meeting at the same time,makes me lunatic a bit.But,hmm i felt well great to come back to my real home.
but urhh culturalshock much?the boys are completely different,socialising without having worried about gender or bad speculation , even had no worries sharing my chair with them and sitting in a group full of boys.haha they make my days somehow.


The farewell party was pretty nostalgic,well i didnt expected it at all.I didnt even asked for it.
But who knows,people can be really nice and sincere.If only i could forget about the negative part of them and take the good side of people.
/sigh Life is funny.I thought my hopes lost,but hey,God is still here to help me.
So i make a little change of myself,being the way i am and not being hypocrite.I know it's wrong for
some people.And i know,the stares that they gave me.But heck,who f-cking cares anyway?I don't want to live in doubt just because of their thoughts.Give me time to repair the better self of me.

Trial is getting neaaaarr.To be honest,i'm not even ready with this hyped up PMR thingy.

when the lights go out.

I can't believe i'm leaving this place where i used to be somewhat an alien or outcast to this place.I didnt think also it will be so fast,just like a dream.And i will be back to square one,leading the life that i used to have.I felt so weird.Especially had to deal with 2 different types of peers.

But oh well.

uphills

If only i could be a hardworking girl,struggling like mad to strive straight A's.

I'm totally opposite , spending 3/4 of my life sleeping or onlining waiting for someone to actually talk to me.Maybe the image of me when i was 12 comes to life again when i will getting the results on December,maybe from then onwards i have no such hopes to succeed.

I have a bad condition with my friend , well i already knew her true nature.And no,it is so immature to argue over ridiculous things or small matters.She purposely made it complicated .I knew who i am , don't ever ever judge me.Fine i tell you.

Teachers expect too much from me yeah the "teacher's daughter" .They will surely seeing me with hopeless eyes when I would not getting straight A's when i get the results back in the future.

Trial is very very near,i couldnt wash away my worriedness ,which i dont even have the inisiative to ease at all.bleghhh.

/sigh.I felt like running as fast as i could,just to feel the sweats or the air.

Collapse

collapse,collapse.I don't know how to keep me awake in this tiresome school days.I collapse after i arrived home and found myself waking up at 3 am with i'm-not studying-anything- and -felt -scared- because -trial -is -near kind of feeling.Even my stomach did not filled with anything that makes it growl so badly.

Mama is busy with all the moving form,changing school form whatsortever and i felt she dont feel a single bit worried about my PMR like she used to worried when my upper siblings had.Frankly,i need her worriedness and forcefulness to keep me alarmed to study.I need the urge.

I fucking pissed of with some people actually,who makes their ego and selfishness their priorities.

How can i accept people who can't accept me?and i'm kind of shocked with some boys here that straightly disturbed the sensitive issues of women.I accept that naive opinion,it's true somehow.But he's not exposed in outside world yet,he didnt know anything.And why give the stereotypes label on me?Indespicably naive and shallow.But hmm,i only can express my thoughts of them here or inside my box of mind.But sometimes,people are just judgemental , i cant stop that somehow.

The tears felt cold,as i closed my eye,maybe my face felt hot after not having a cry for a while.

The song keep repeating the sorrow melodies for as long as i can remember.

The conversation ended ,while my emotions are squeezing my tears out.Maybe I needed this,

some of these makes me strong.

I wonder why,I did not shows my emotion much ,but it's different this time.Maybe he has a soft side,that even my stubborn heart can soften.

Maybe i should really know what my purpose in this world.To be a better person,endure every experiences and makes me stronger.

Sometimes i'm feeling like i'm the only one ,that existed.Well,sometimes i still felt lefted after so long we've met.I too,still confused of what i'm really am to you.Maybe i have to depend on my solitudeness.Maybe this is what the life is.When we parted in a junction,it's all ended.

My 'everyday' friends are just not worth it sometimes.Threatening like i'm a doll.Maybe the idea of bringing my diary to school is just a foolish or trying to put some faith to them ,pretty nonsense.

All they know is my smile,those smiles.

I'm patheticly ease myself with some shoujo manga ,silently hoping that i am the main character.sheesh.

I WANT HARMONICAAA !!!!!!!!

I found myself in bed sleeping like a lazy hog and numerous times lefting prayers lately.sigh.Keen to revise books everyday but failed,tiredness overcomes me.
My mood seems dimed.If only i could travel and throw all the material worlds and gain experiences out of it,instead just trapped in a boring routine.

I felt quite at peace when in the evening i will sit in the balcony where the wind breeze calmly from the sea ,just above from my house.Watching the big trees , and kept wondering.This is the only thing that calm me at this place,this place where i used to be lonely since i moved here.It's a shame i will move out soon,and i will forget all the peace and that's the only thing i love about here and faced the factory and highways.hmmm.

hawt.

I don't know why the hell adults were forcing us to succeed.I mean,you can't succeed when kena maki hamun seriously.They see things differently,expecting us to be the so called "cemerlang " student.But in fact,the reality is,they just want the fucking school rank,and get promote to higher job.I'm not that blind like other teenagers,who just don't really know the reality of the world,the adults.They locked themselves in their room to study their brains out , not for theirselves but for the forceful adults.And they end up not expose with the truth of reality.Open your mind,you only live once.

bwahaha

My homework isnt finish yet but i'm stuck up in front of computer.

I love Edward , no , not the Twilight tweeny-weenie ,the Scissorhand.

Sekian Terima Kasih.

canning.

I had this feeling like I was just slapped hardly when i looked at the mid-term result.

It was an immense gesture of regretness.

The rain in the morning i thought , can actually pristine some unwary things inside of me.

I'm moving to KL again .Though ,it's pretty rushing with all the trial exams and PMR.But unfairly,i'm pretty alive when hearing that.God actually heard my prayers :) .

I've got canning today for the first time ever in my life.My parents don't even lay a hand on me,it's fucking unjustice,no one can lay hands on me except my parents.How can you teach a lesson when you do it with violence,it's not gonna solve anything.

You fucking adults.

My angst have about to distinguished,at least there's a mere human who willing to lend their ear to listen to my cries or angst.Enough,is enough.Anger is not supposed to build it even riser.
I should at least spilt my furiousness into a piece of art or a piece of music.Let alone the harsh of reality.Let alone their words,burned it into ashes.Let alone the tears,let it dry by the thin of air.

Babi gila.

I was packed up with furyness.This school sucks,mcmlaa mati if tak dapat 8a's.Shut up,zip it okay,
let me complain,let me just be in misery,don't tell me what it's right for me.I'm tired ,exhausted.Im tired of craving other's people life.I had no time for myself at all,even half an hour for myself in a day.Kau takpelaa,you're immune for this kind of life,almost natural to be controlled.
I just move to this fucking place,dahlaa deserted,forcing students like a robot from 7am to 6 evening.And kalau tak datang,jumpa pengetua.What the fuck?there's no benefit anyway forcing me to study,there;s nothing i can get into my brain.Sial gila.I think my name had gotten to principal because i went back home in the evening,i was too tired and feel like fainting.And yeah it affect my mom's reputation pulak kan.Fuck off,honestly fuck off.

5 months more.I dont know what to state.
Seeing this people,who controlled by law,rules like a living puppet.I despise it,my anguish just don't burned.I just stumble,observing their sweats.And compare to mine,just like a dry leaves.
Foremost,i just chasing time now,my faith seems dimed.

Oh well.

I don't know what to linger anymore,
maybe i just have to stumble.

I envy myself in the past,the reflection of a positive mind and a wide smile.I envy too with my typically minded post in the archive.I envy the pictures with my friend that seems laughing our lungs out enjoying the time.I envy that i had time luring myself with Jdrama and Anime,which i couldnt not a single second now. I envy that i had so much friend around me.
I want to be her back.

I hope the music will distinguishes the fire inside of me,will deaf my ear without any sounds of 2 parents arguing and the sounds of door slamming.She's totally threw all of her guidance for me in her care,just thought for help but instead she threw a cold voice.Am i invincible?

Rain,i dont know which words to describe my feeling whenever rain falls.Naturally,i love rain,i felt secured and warm.With a cup of hot milo in my hand,sitting both my legs crossed.Sipping some hot liquid with Priscilla Ahn's music replay all over again for hours.and thus I dreamed out loud while staring at my room ceiling.

I always felt helpless when blogging,i will set to my mind "i will storied the same thing over again,i will complain,i will be emo over again,let's just not do this".And thus i wrote random things,which i dont want to actually and not my current feeling.Some of my post are just plastic.

I never liked someone deeply ,or completely.The feeling just stop by and go ,lefting nothing on my heart.I was just starin' because sometimes i read people.haha,this person really makes my hand's down,he didnt even glance at me after i shot those long sharp stare.

Kill the randomness

I became more random and random,where is the so called indifferent and deep thoughts that i used to have?I demand to own it back.And im starting to like stoned/drunked and messy type of guy.

my randomness getting critical.

I met a guy who is an animefreak and a YUI-lover in guitar class.Well he is a music teacher but of course didnt teach me.He play the intro of Life when i packed my guitar back and talked to my music teacher about how to play skychord.and i almost fell when he smiled to me .

I imagined i am in his state,owns the stage with guitar on my lap,passionately singing with my eyes closed.I am in my own little world eventhough i stand on a crowd.Letting the melodies absorbs,and the lyrics play it's role that is being my language.And when the strumming of the guitar stops,my ears can only hear the crowd clapping.And I open my back my eyes,with a slight meaningful smile and thanked.

But no,i didnt reach all that.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops away upon the chimney tops.

"Khairunnisa!tengok depan"
my eyes widened after the echoes of the name buzz in my head and automaticly woke me up from my spacingout,the whole class was looking at me.Crap.
Once again,why has i become like this?even i sucked focusing in guitar class.Stop,please stop khairunnisa,yearning too much for freedom that never comes.My marks are decreasing exams per exams,my name had been on the teacher's appoinment.Yeaah im so haapppyy :D:D::D

i lvoe jason castro ,especially for those passionate eyes,i dont care if youre a husbad now,craaappp.why did you decided to married youre only 23 !arghhh

dropdeadgorgeous.

Why can i not have that kind of life?

Pfft the song is so addictive.

Harmonica with guitar?interesting.

Rain.Accompany me when im being overly flustered or stressed or maybe fucking unsatisfied.They somehow embrace me when im being like that.
Tomorrow.School back,Hell is back.I will go to school and meets no face that i most comfortable and feel warm most.There is none,the aura of true friends is completely empty.In a pace that i'm not familiar at all.In the conversation that i dont even recognize my ownself talking.That girl is not Icha that i used to remember.That Icha who used to be loud and crank that laugh wholeheartedly.That is Nisa who i even didnt recognize.Nisa that is somehow starting to dissapear from people's eye or mind.
I hate that school ,who choked me out with their exam-freak tradition.With their got-to-be-the-best thingy that's dampening me.What a bitch.

crystall ball.

I never tired hearing this song,it somehow makes me imagine im somewhat running and running in an open field where the evening sun rays linger on my skin.Keane's music makes my adrenaline run through my vein for a sudden eventhough depression to escape is much fitting every pores of the song.Definitely describe on my mind through every breathe i take.

I spends all my time,let the anime influencing every pieces of my brain,though for sometimes i felt i am rather abnormal.Laughing and crying and muttered angrily alone.Why do i felt odd on this part of me?I always do that,maybe i dont associated with my fantasy much because of my hectic life.And when i realise my fantasy back in my mind,i felt a sweet ackward lingers in me.

Im dissapointed with myself really,up until now,i didnt make out even a verse of my song;sigh.Maybe this is not the right time for me,my time is indeed limited.After ive settled this misery though.

I felt the abscenes of some important persons that somehow existed in my life lately.Arh,where are they?i need them;sigh.shizzz,i cnt tune my freakin 'guitar that sounds rather odd,eff

_____________
Who is the man I see
Where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deepUnder the iron sea

Oh, crystal ball, hear my song
I'm fading out,
everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong

typical post,i dnt have the mood to write a thoughtful post.

I woke up today feeling satisfied and calmed of my long sleep,and realized that rain is dropping shallowly on the window pane.I'm totally felt silent and alone in this holiday,maybe my friends all have forgotten me or doesnt concerned me as im just a friend who had moved and doesnt existed anymore in their eyes or deleting all data from their memories.heh,i don't know.

i felt like going out or laughing my hearts out and play with someone called friends.,but where are they?
It's okay,im just a nobody really.heh.

I guess im being a coward,running away from the road im facing by sleeping my whole days without doing anything like a doll who long died just to forgetting the road im facing
,accompanying by the tired tears flooded like rain water and confusion who surrounds me.Even my parents already tired of me of my presence and seems dont care about me much anymore.
i guess i have psychology issue,i need to cure myself,i need to end this.This miseryness contaged me.Or is it because exam that was held every damn 2 weeks,and all day and night i have to make myself busy with school ,extra classes and tuition at the same time. i felt like breaking down every pieces of it and burned it alive.My parents seems dont understand the exhaustion im facing,the urge of doing what i mostly dont want to.And how unfair it is that i have to confront it rather than other kid who can just enjoying their 15 years old life gigantically and used their parent's money to buy whatever clothe they like.I'm sleepless,im tired,im hungry.Im just sick of this fucking fucking life that made my knees trembled tiredly.

It's unfair,i dont want to face the road.I dont want,i dont want.I don't like being in this state,I dont want to be like this.i can't help it,i can't change myself,even how much you tired having me as your daughter.

Wan Ili Munirah :)

I smiled whenever i set my eyes on this picture.Her smile ,i thought ,makes me went through all the memories i had 3 years ago.The tension we washed away by laughing our lungs out.
She was like my sister,she was my other rational mind,who could just forbided me whenever i thought i wanted to do an irrational act.But her advice had their effect until now.
I couldnt believed she was actually lying to me that she's enganged with someone,i swear i cried for her,despite that im having major PMS that went me crazy =.=

Ili,aww i miss you :')

image credit;Elsa Asri.

My head swirled,energy drops as i set my head on the pillow,and totally totally out like a candle was lit off by the wind.My energy falls apart,my fearness grew stronger and stronger as i'm trying to approached tomorrow.I barely open the tv or even internet because of life schedule that played me like a puppet in a circus,controlling every bit of action by the tip of the finger.
Ah,the merciful God,im exhausted,my mind is exhausted.I want to rest my case but it's too far away from my sight.But i know you are always there for me,watching me with your full wisdomness.Give me light ,give me inner strength.

Please close your eyes
'Cause I don't want to face the road
Or impose, disguise
Memories I couldn't run through

I can see the red light glowing through the windscreen
And water where it rained harder
Now the clouds are stunning

I am lost, in an ocean.
Far away from home.

Carry me, across the sea.
To a place I've known.

And i don't like it here anymore.
No i don't like it here, anymore. Anymore.

Lock me in, close the door.
Oxygen, falls apart.
Spiders crawl, Mountains fall.
Every evening sirens call.

And i don't like it here anymore.
No i don't like it here, anymore. Anymore.

The sounds of winds sighing through every edges of the leaves,and a shimmering rain tapping on the rooftop calmed me.Typically,im with my guitar that somehow attached to my body,and singing in such a low tone,like almost a whisper.Eventhough behind these walls,there's a human arguing and fighting.

Hmm,i don't understand you seriously.I wanted for your companion,your voices,your strength.But what did i received?Just dust.

Ouch.My finger is soring red,as i practised too much for 4 hour straight.I can't get this right,this little tabs thingy,i wonder why my guitar teacher can just played it even he never heard of the song.efff.But then i succesfully can play 1/4 of La Romanesca.I get interested in classical.
Ah,this week im kind of free and not so many homework to do.Because sport day is tomorrow,and i dont participated at all.Yup,typical me.

I've got no creativity to write a poetic post and i dont have the mood,because rain dont usually came,im somewhat lonely it didnt.Till then.

Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark
Emerging from the gentle grip of night's unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone

You don't see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier
All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas
The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe

I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact
So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass
I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky
You will see your beauty every moment that you rise

tired tears,

I gripped my hand,as the tears fall dropping the keyboard that im currenty typing now.While hearing the song to it's fullest volume.I'm tired of this tears that dropped continously.I need for human voice or at least would asked me and whisper to me that i'll be okay.I'm weak as a harmless ant,that people would just stepped on it.I'm unnoticeable or just plain lonely like a thin air or a big tree but doesnt appear in people's sight,still like a breathless statue.

I'm tired to carry this vulnerable feeling,it would have been so much better if this stale emotion could just dissapear without a word.

I can't help showing this sides of me,im sorry.It burden me and smoldering me.The thoughts killing me.I flooded myself in tears ,trying to fight the loneliness and the life that swings up and down.My faith has already step on broken glass,im trying to rebuilt it again.Pretend to be strong.It was just a dissimulation .
This feeling chasing me every steps that i take,every state of mind i thought,every breath i inhaled.

Oh god,i don't know what to do anymore.

words to words.

I heard these people expressing with all thier sanity from a piece of paper,from a couple of a stanza.I watched in impressed to all of their words eventhough my family giggled for their overexpression.Pfft,but i kept my straight face ,focusing their words.I even saw the famous poet that is A Samad Said which totally remind me of his poem The Dead Crow.

When a simple looking girl dressed in a kebaya delivered her poem,my heart fainted and im feeling totally crushed.I wonder who she is that somehow could touched my heart.
And yeah,she almost cried,maybe her life experience at the same time replay back in her mind.

I fell in love with this women,her music and soul-heartedness.She's more like a Bob Dylan type,a girl version maybe .Beautiful:)

I paced my my little hand on the green gras that's lying on the soil earth,blocking the sun that shone on my face.Sitting timidly while hugging my two legs in the majority of the student bond.I'm lost in my own thought while gazing to my school shoes,until the teacher pulled out the name to run the 500 meter.

I'm actually afraid to my own future that still will mingled on me.Cowardness still wont washed away within me.

air.

I'm so tired with my life,i wanted to escape this damn reality.

freeeedoooommm---

"Give back my freedom,damn"

I muttered myself as i cupped my hand on my face,resisting the boredom that's meander in myself. The acoustic song plays numerously again and again with it's lullabyness.
There's a book arranged accordingly on my desk,waiting to be finished,but this owner here, is stuck in front of computer,can't get enough from this wide internet access,my diary.
I have a stupid exam next week to test ability bla bla bla,it's clearly shown isnt it?i almost fail on that subject ,i dont have enstein brain anyway,and it so damn early.
Oh and i'm here stuck in the corner of the world.

I should stop being permissive,and started to open the page of Quran that I have left for a period of time,to stop the chaos in me.

I have figure out a bit of the chords in my own very first song,but i still not writing the verse and the intro yet.I never expected writing songs is kind of hard.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me
Jai guru deva om

Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe
Jai guru deva om

Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me
Like a million suns, it calls me on and on across the universe
Jai guru deva om

Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Jai guru deva om, Jai guru deva om
Jai guru deva om, Jai guru deva om
Jai guru dea va om

Jai guru deva om
Jai guru deva om

Sneaking my time ,that is bounded and finited.I should let my eyelid closed now,to let my system off .But the urge had forced me to write something that is about to explode any second,it's good to let it out than talking all dissatisfy things that had kept in myself than talking while crying with my own self before sleeping.
I'm so complex,i dont want to be emo,but i kept twisted things and argued with my own self conflicted,or the whisper of my innerself,i tried to push it with all the energy i've got.
There,i talked crap again.Damn -.-

________________________________________

I fake a lot,i dont know how many smiled i have force my lips to curved it,no it does not reach my eyes.That laugh doesnt mean a thing.
Why..?why can't i laugh whole-heartedly?It's not their fault,it's freaking me.
Get off me you little emo-self that's stuck inside me,
come out wherever you are,i want my strength back.

stealing.

The sound of guitar and drum breaks my ear as i walk through the pack of musicians,creating tone in the tiny jamming studio
It's cool however ,to let an hour for my own space,as my life is packed like a sardine in a can.
My music teacher talks about his life and the journey,i was inspired and yes,i want to make my own songin the near future.Up until now,i can't believe he's married.

http://www.myspace.com/zabelyong

Translucent

I walked through by the hall and glance with blank expression at myself reflected at the hall's window,as I heard the bird's chirp as I watched my slow pace ,moving following the tick of watch that stick still on my right hand.
"It's far better if i'm alive in online mode rather than staying offline"
The thought came across and almost pungent in my mind.I shook my head,knocked myself to face the reality that entwine and entice me.

Here I am,gripping my white guitar pick drowning myself on the bed with my school uniform and wishing to not seen by my mom with my not bathing-self-yet.

Hmmm,i know you can see through my emotions like a clear glass.I have told you with all my guts,words inside my head.I just dont want you fall into a deep hole of regret,because my love feeling is almost invincible,like a translucent air.I do love you in different aspect and kind,and wished to just stay like this position where i'm comfortable and hold a free-mind as i indulge on our conversation.

while my guitar gently weeps.

This is my moment,sitting in front of computer with still in my school uniform and holding my guitar,picking the romance de amour endlessly and sigh to my deepest throat.
My days went repeatedly,where every second in the class,i heard 8as from teacher's mouth and my parent brainwashed me with their enthusiastment comparing with my upper siblings.
I felt the time went imperceptibly,unintermitidly,ticking slowly and my obscureness roared within the people,trying to fit myself in the tiny space of them and never streak my true self.
It's shiftless just knowing me by the name starting with the odd K's.

I couldnt be helped,i cant help myself either.This enermous lies and sigh is just too much to carry.

chime.

Ahh,the fireworks booming ,warned me for the next life,where my mother would controlled every of my day with her corner of fingertip,like an owner that's controlling a puppet.Where my days would be set,scheduled.


I shut my eye in front of the monitor,tried to let the illusions appeared slowly in my head.

I can imagine,the first day of nobodyness,as i placed my head down to the floor when i entered the classes full of noise,without knowing the faces i know as i look at the surrounding,sat at the place where the teacher point at.Playing with my hand .Silence absorbing me and melancholic just surround myself.Oh,i can hear they talk about me "the new metropolitan girl" ,as they point their first finger to me.I just pulled an expresionless face even if my heart sobbing,crying silently that only in my body it echoes.
If only he would sat beside at that time,and tell me you're not alone.My heart will instantly go warm after being so cold that it pierce.