Verily, with every hardship comes ease” (Qur'an, 94:6).

Foundation in Law, International Islamic University Malaysia.
Deep breath, this is the road I've taken and know that there will be no turning back. I was struggling with self blamed, envy of my other friends who gotten place in university, while I feel utter loser never knowing what I want to do with my life, a bit suicidal after what I went through after the love of a mother was lost and an attention from a father that never return. I thought I was all alone.
But Allah exists. And I need no one.

It's been 10 months, and I was wondering like a beggar for purpose. What was it that I want again? Which road again?
 Eighteen drought with this life saltiness, seeking for parents love,guidance that never exist, seeking for objectives . Perhaps if I dissapears no one actually notice.





 I miss you mum, it hurts

"So I kiss goodbye to every little ounce of pain, light a cigarette and wish the world away"
"So I hold two fingers up to yesterday, light a cigarette and smoke it all away"

muntahkan semua

Aku lalang, terumbang ambing malam dan siang. Duit macam air di padang pasir yang kering kontang. Suara yang terngiang ngiang, cinta putih keluarga yang curang, pudar kepercayaan dari seseorang dan lampu malap yang dulunya terang benderang.

I was a spoiled teenagers, everything from my educations to my tampons on my first day I got period my late mom was there and take cares of me, I never knew this stage of life will happens to me. Now I'm almost 18 and she leaves this world without me ever feels ready, and a dad that remarries leaving all behind, and a rejected university applications, and a daily money that is too little to survive.
I begin to ponder whats there in life?Why for a sudden everything is gone? What did I do wrong?
All those sleepless nights I've been asking, playing like an old record the back of my mind.
I never blame god however, I cry in front of Him and ask Him to lighten the burdens I felt if my life meant to be windy.It's just that how do I deal with sadness? How you can handle this uttermost depression like everythings fall apart? Is there still hope? Will my life gets better? Will I ever be happy? I'd rather be numb than to feel pain but I didnt feel numb because pain penetrates every goddamn inches.

sakit

"Sometimes I wish I stayed inside my mother, never to come out"

anesthetize

There's a point in life where everything just fucking happens.
'Home', a place you thought you knew so well, so complete, so safe ,so sedentary, individual warm feelings that you're home. You knew every cracks on the wall and uneven surfaces, fammiliar marbles of floor that crack, family photos and every faces with lukewarm fammiliarity.
Now it's just a fucking place where I put my shit and live in it with no meaning, no such purposes but to have shelter on your head and a bed to hibernate. Because if you say you have a family but you have no parents, you're a fucking delusional.

I'm just a star that made out from a cardboard hanging with plastic strings. I got nowhere to hang and I am lost in the wind.
I know and I try so hard to understand that we all had a design.If my life is design to be this way I just had to draw the way out of this frustration, well at least, to keep sanity or not to blow my head. Life is a shitholes shades of grey and I frequently ask why to a simple answer

Home

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your shit that idea of home is gone."

society

I would run into the wild anytime than stuck in a dumb daze.There are too much to lose with a sigh and crawl my way out through this wall of limitations and synical society. They agree to be greed and agree to disagree? Have a mercy on me because life is a mystery and I would disagree to anything you'll agree because that's just me. Thoughts begin to bleed if I don't have anything to read and music is weed. I always pledge to find reasons and it was crystal clear than the world in unclear.
I want to wander but I'm not a traveler and I don't have any money because everything becomes weary. I thought war in my head are going to poof but I have nothing to proof. Skin me alive with a knife, and there'll be new me underneath behind those skins and fins and I am keen to determine.
No need anger because I'm just a naive teenager, pull the trigger and I'll be better.

Doktrin palsu

Kalaulah aku boleh berteriak, kalaulah aku boleh muntahkan apa yang disimpan dalam anak tekak, tekan picu dengan lidah dan realiti akan bertelagah, bertekak.
Aku hanya boleh membisu. It's all I can do, by not blowing my head without making me insane.
Kalaulah aku boleh pusing masa, baiki silap apa yang ada dan kucup dahinya tanpa had masa,aku sanggup jual mata dan jadi buta.
Kau tak boleh putuskan perasaan derita dengan tulang kerana emosi adalah sesuatu yang sumbang.
Aku tak rasa aku perlu menjahanamkan diri aku kerana kau kau memang binasa,Elemen,unsur dan atom jahanam apa lagi yang ada?Lontarkan kepadaku aku dah kebas , dah imun, dengan selesanya.
Keluhan adalah harian.Dan apabila aku terjunam ke jahanam, kau akan memakai topeng dan kau adalah orang asing.
Kau adalah musang yang ada nama dalam kad harijadi tapi hakikat melukai
Definisi rumah hanyalah menapak simpati, askar yang mementingkan diri, roh yang dirindui. Kepercayaan yang menjadi duri kerana dilukai dengan daging sendiri adalah imunisasi.

LSD

It was a flood that wrecked our home, and the sorrows are too loud it broke my bones. I'm just a sillouhette, chasing my own shadows like a phantom.The faces I long to see and a skin I long to touch, there are however a thick air that I'm breathing that fill her presents.

 Able just to stay in my inaudible voices, and a head that screams too loud ,the things I would never said, and a sighs that repeating all over again like the same damn songs in a mall that I used to work.
But there are unfammiliar lights that penetrates every holes of misery. A strange arrays of lsd structure lights,a hum of street lights?. Suddenly it all make senses and I , weirdly, don't make any senses.

It's ironic really, all this suckle up like a big orange juice. It's like a dude from 1 Direction that admits himself Kurt Cobain, and sang Smells Like Teen Spirit with a fake grungy voices.
It is fucking cliche ,this pain I thought I'm not gonna have but existed anyway like a hungry fat kid in Mcd that just got his big fat Big Mac.

Now tell me, and scream to my face, why can't my mind shut the fuck up?Because I can't sleep and I'm anxious. I could just be swallowed by the night so that I can pretend no more. So I'll keep my eyes open wide like I'm in a crime scenes

1001

"Is it even possible to drown in your own sadness? Like a person drown in a chicken soup?"

Flashback momen hospital, mata yang terkejut, nyawa yang meninggalkan badan, aku dah nampak semua tu dengan mata bogel aku sendiri. Dan memori tu selalu bermain di belakang minda aku macam CD vynil tahun 1960-an yang rosak membawa bunyi screeching yang memecah anak telinga.

Memang perit sampai aku tak boleh bayang macam mana aku boleh go through that moment.
I am not a fucking strong person, and I'm only strong when I had her. But realiti memang kelakar, kau rasa tu memang un-imaginable macam orang tamadun Greece tak boleh imagine mereka akan bina kapal terbang, but it happens so apa kau nak kata sekarang?When something un-imaginable happens in front of your own eyes, you'll just shut the fuck up and cry a fucking 7 seas Come on,sampai bila?
Sampai bila?

And a soldier who advertise his wiseness, and only shows hypocrisy. Dia buta, dia bercakap tapi tak berkata, dia melihat tapi tak nampak. Pertuturan hanyalah macam besi buruk bukan stainless steel dan beg plastic Giant yang kau buang bersama sisa sisa makanan.
Mungkin manusia memang akan ignore seorang yang hampir mati berdarah merah tepi jalan, asalkan nafsu menguasai  setiap atom dan molekul dalam hati jahanam dia,

 I'm asking myself, where the fuck do I belong?cold hard ground maybe?

Ekstensialisme

Celaka, celaka perasaan ni. Aku mati dibelenggu kesedihan, seakan akan ia membina gua disekeliling aku. Aku mahu cakar, merangkak memanjat  keluar dari dinding konkrit ini. Kenapa aku tiada sayap? Celaka, celaka.

Aku rindu aku rindu aku rindu tapi roh bukan pergi astral projek,jasad dihimbun dalam tanah. Aku tetap rindu aku rindu dan aku rindu.Aku hidup dengan baunya,suaranya. Sekarang tiada tiada tiada tiada.Aku rindu satu cekarawala dan aku menangis depan tuhan sebab aku rindu.Aku rindu.

Mimpi dalam mimpi, air masin yang kering, hati yang mati, suara yang dikenali, rindu yang infiniti, mati hidup kembali . Aku tak boleh merasa, aku buta,aku dengki, aku tidak mengerti, aku tuli.
Aku bersenggama dengan malam, aku kongsi kesengsaraan, aku tidak mengerti realiti, aku tidak tahu aku jahil, naif, bodoh. Dan aku akan penuhkan satu sungai dengan air mata masinku, dan bersalinkan rasa bersalah yang tiada kesudahan

Matahari akan membahang dan membakar anak anak aku dan sekali lagi mata aku celik dengan kegelapan. "Kau tidak boleh ambil terlalu banyak emosi dalam perigi emosi" Aku mahu buat apa jika emosi mendominasi. Hati aku tiada blood vessel yang kuat, dinding dia rapuh tak berpagar dan tak juga dikelilingi pagar automasi

Tunggu lah, kau maki apa sahaja, kau ludah apa sahaja, kau muntahkan hujah apa saja. Aku akan tetap tunggu sampai aku menemui tanah yang sesuai untuk dipijak, udara yang sesuai dihirup.Sebab sekarang aku pudar dalam kewujudan

It's like some kind of psycho emotion contract you made whenever death appears, sadness is like how the universe exist, it never stops eventhough in the daylight it all seems natural,I actually lived and smile. But it's artificial because in the end, emptiness takes place.
Shopping is like credit card too, you lose to reality because sorrow keeps hunting me like predators.
I wish it was easy like everyone said. Everyone said the same goddamn thing. They just came by to my life like I'm a somekind of 7E spending their sympathies on me and left. They never feel the pain like knives and everytime I woke up I feel so lost.
Will I ever be happy?

I didn't move, I could not expect when someone die it would be as fast as lightning. White lips, pale face and the last kiss on her cheek was just unbearable.I miss her.
I am fucking stupid. I regret everything, while she's still alive I was busy being a fucking teenager, rebelling everything.And now I don't know anymore. I just want to disappear

Palat

Mata rabak dengan cecair masin, minda pekak dengan kepahitan kopi tanpa gula.
Kontinen paru paru berasap dengan hookah strawberry yang berbau manis, dan coklat yang cair dengan kekelatan tekak.
Realiti macam celaka, dan aku terfikir baik aku buat kek dari buat kawan.
 Mereka tak faham macam mana rasa duduk kat tengah tengah, buntu dan bangang. Mereka tak faham malam yang bengap dengan rollercoaster perasaan.Mereka tak faham malam tanpa bintang yang ditemani oleh mimpi buruk yang berkain kapan dan air mawar dan surah yaasin diikuti dengan tangisan adik beradik.Mereka tak faham tentang tumpuan yang pudar dan mata tanpa jiwa yang memandang balik.Mereka tak faham kanser.
Mungkin aku tengah sesat dalam lautan orang dan judgment mereka, mungkin juga aku dah biasa dengan rejection. Aku tak menjaring labah labah malaikat ataupun memiliki halo dengan sayap putih kenapa aku harus berkelakuan baik dan menjadi malaikat tulen datang dari kayangan. Aku pelik dan janggal dan aku menggemari pizza. Aku gadis yang tiada komitmen dan aku sedang menjalani fasa hidup yang rumit.Harap maaf carian anda tidak dijumpai , sila cuba lain kali.

Wake up before they turn the summer into dusts

Pisang

Aku perlukan duit, so aku harus kerja sejam 7 ringgit. Aku harus menjadi hamba , hamba-zaman-pasca-moden 2013.Aku harus menjadi hamba kepada bisnes antarabangsa yang bersifat kapitalis dan korporat korporat itu akan membayar aku kerana gaji aku hanyalah 0.05% dari gaji keseluruhan mereka. Kerana ini adalah hierarki, kita hidup dalam piramid hierarki, humanism? kau merepek nakharom apa? Obviously ini adalah anti-humanism. Aku bekerja penat lelah patah kaki, dan mereka hanya duduk di bangku malas sambil menghisap kekejaman menelan duit meminum prejudis.
Revolusi takkan berlaku kalau kau hanya tulis blog ala-ala hipster guna bahasa melayu konon nak kedengaran melayu-pasca-moden. Dan aku gadis pasca-moden yang suka merungut sambil menelan harmony pessimistik dari band Radiohead dan asyik komplain secara infiniti.
Aku tak boleh mengubah dunia, tapi benarkan aku bersuara?

mute

Do I have scizophrenia? I can't sleep thinking about the world

Wait, there is a light in the tunnel, let me go and see.

And then you were crushed to death with a ten ton truck behind the Home For The Blind and the reservoirs , smashed human bones and an ocean of bloods. It was gore

Afterhour

Rocks, feather and coke.

Desire meets self righteous, irresponsibilities meets expectations. Where this leads to? A cave or an ocean I wonder , or just the same mistakes and guilty faces.

Horizon of smokes dancing to every atoms in the air like waves, pleasures seek in every kg ms-1 of momentum. Confusions light headed and cancer. Rules and regulations and working hour, sore feets and unachieved desires. Frustrated and confused friends and rejections. Metallica songs and sleepless tiring nights. Hospitals and accusations.

la vie est malade.

you suck

aidez-moi je suis perdu

aku telah menjadi kebas dengan selesanya